All Entries Tagged With: "mountain humor"
Paisas, the Mountain People of the Colombian Cafetera
RUBBING SHOULDERS WITH AN ANDEAN CULTURE
The Departments of Antioquia, Caldas, Quindío and Risaralda identify as Paisa. These mountains are home to the hearty coffee-growers (and sometimes gold miners) who have called this spectacular place their home for centuries. Proud, smart, funny and generous, these friendly folks might check you out for a moment before smiling an approval.
In this respect they resemble the mountain people from the Rockies.
Always time for tinto
They take pride in colorful chivas. They don straw fedoras and ruanas, dote on their Andalusian horses and are certain their rum is the best on the planet. Everywhere the Paisas congregate tinto is the fare and ample time is set aside to sip Caldas or Medellin Rum. Years ago the two rums were distinct to two regions but now they are available in most of country. Residents claimed their particular rum was far and above the best, yet they coveted the other rum, you know, the one they couldn’t get down at their corner cafe.
“No prisa. No Prisa. No rush. Don’t hurry life,” they say in a variety of ways that culminate as a distinct language of its own. One day I was overcharged for a beer in the high altitude city of Manizales. My response was a resounding Ave Maria! at the escalated price. The kid behind the bar was surprised that I had such a dramatic command of the local lingo and a little embarrassed that he had tried to squeeze another $30,000 COP out of this gringo. He dropped the price to the usual one dollar, his hand still stuck in the cookie jar. I left the full fiscal modification as a tip.
Speaking Castilian is fun but talking Paisa is even better, if a bit challenging at times. Here is some of the more prevalent slang one might hear on the street:
chevere – nice, beautiful
charro – funny
la farra – the big party
pato – a stupid guy, a putz
guaro – short for aguardiente, an anise-flavored liquor literally translated as firewater
amanar – to be comfortable
bacano – an outstanding or pleasant situation
chimba – cool, nice
pola – beer
parce – dude
sizas – yes
Que mas? Literally What more? Translated as What’s up?
Uttered the morning after a night of drinking: No vuelvo a tomar! (I’ll never go back to drinking) to which the answer is usually Ja oilo (a kind of “I can’t believe it or “Hello? Wake up to reality”) from the Basques, a far-flung population well represented in Paisaland.
You’ll make more friends yakking in Paisa than in asking questions about Pablo Escobar, cocaine or civil wars. Have some respect for feelings here. Try not to be a pato and remember your own national dirty laundry is out there swinging in the breeze as well.
Now that we can talk…let’s eat!
Bandeja de Paisa. Desert anyone?
By far the most popular dish here is Bandeja de Paisa, an extravagant yet customary dish (see photo) for campesinos and moradores urbanos (country folk or city dwellers). It consists of carne molida (ground beef), avocados, morcilla (black pudding), chicharron (fried pork belly), chorizo, platano maduro (ripe plantains), beans and rice, and a vigilant arepa, all toped off with un huevo frito (a fried egg) and hogao (a delicious Colombian Criollo sauce). Buen provecho!
Keep it up and you’ll look like one of Colombian artist, Botero’s sculpted fatsos in no time at all.
A diverse musical experience graces the coffee region with salsa, merengue and cumbia on the dance card.
It’s difficult to say whether anyone is in the dancing mood after such a feast but it’s all waiting in the wings in the Land of 1000 Rhythms. Salsa, merengue and cumbia lead the pack. Favorite local pop musicians include Juanes and Lucas Arnau from Medellin, Andres Cabus from the coastal city of Barranquilla and Dolcey Gutierrez, a concertina virtuoso also from the Caribbean coast. The loco Gutierrez video “Pasame la lengua por los huevos” should not be missed.
Although these latter two entertainers are not really Paisas please don’t tell anyone here. Gutierrez explains it all in his rendition of “Ron por todo el mundo” which really doesn’t need further translation.
-Kevin Haley
A Martian in El Jardin
The noise in this Colombian town was pulverizing during the holidays so I thought I’d invest in a pair of earplugs. I made my way through the disassociated throngs near the plaza and entered a pharmacy, the counter manned by several overworked women. My Spanish isn’t too bad, I thought, and asked if they sold tampones de los oidos.
“Tampones?” the first women asked. “Tampones for who?”
“For me I said as if it wasn’t clear enough. Tampones por mis oidos. (Tampones for my ears).
The other started laughing.
“You mean tapones, not tampones,” she said holding up both.
“Oh, no” I flinched. “I was wanting tapones,” I said looking around to see who was eavesdropping on the conversation.
I bought the tapones and mad a quick exit thankful that I knew the proper name for toilet paper.
Everyone says hello back
The majority of the residents here have never been out of Colombia and to many the concept of global geography is limited to the bright green world of coffee farms and the wondrous mountains of the Cafetera.
That said it is not surprising that a foreigner gets a few stares on the street. The antidote: A boisterous Buenos Dias! or colloquial Que mas? That changes playing field. The response is a friendly, though surprised, greeting, usually sincere.
It is clear that somehow they think 1.) gringos can’t speak Castillano 2.) visitors are here because it’ a cheap place to live 3.) foreign males spend 24 hours a day looking for women. Misconceptions as the arepa (corn tortilla concotion) turns.
Often, when they are more relaxed they will ask “De donde” (Where are you from). My answer to a robotic exchange is “Hollywood.” with no trace of a smile. Then I accessorize my claim by adding No es claro? (Isn’t it clear?). Then, depending on the person I confess my fib, and give them the real poop. Most give me a gentle slap on the arm and laugh.
Almost always, after I meet someone they remember my name (easy since there are few gringos living here) and a warm relationship begins. Just try eating at the same restaurant three days in a row. All of a sudden you are treated almost like family.
El Calle de Borachos (Drunk Street)
Sunday is a good day to stay home. That’s the coffee workers’ day off and many spend it slamming beers and aguardiente in the raucous parade of bars wedged on 9th Street or on the plaza. If you were a fly on the wall you’d need tiny, little tapones (see above). If the booze won’t kill you the loud music will.
Although the drunks are peaceful enough they are often over-friendly and a pain in the ass, especially if I am in the company of a woman. Is this a demented flirtation? Maybe these men are the official poster children for the recruitment of nuns. After observing their common ritual many women might just prefer the cloistered life. If a find myself in that inebriated barrio I just whisper a prayer to Saint Pancreas, the patron of fried food, and keep moving.
Trash Days Take the Cake
On Tuesday and Saturday the trash truck blows its horns at about 6 am. That’s the day to put out your organics. Friday is regular trash pickup while Wednesday is recycles day. I don’t know what the local hygienic engineers do on the other days. Maybe they hang out on Drunk Street but more than likely they tend their gardens, drive tourists around in moto-ratones (tuks-tuks or more precisely motor mice) or work their small coffee farms tumbling down the side of the mountains. Lazy bastards.
I simply take notes on the meticulous agenda so as not to be keeping trash on my balcony well after its time.
It’s all well done with an additional corps of street cleaners keeping the town very clean. They also get a hand from the regular afternoon rain that washes away the remnants of the Paso Finos, the horses with the natural four-beat gait that proudly grace the lanes of the village.
The rubbish and refuse are then taken to the landfill and buried. It is not, as many up north believe, magically transformed into cocaine to be sold in Miami. That is our problem, not theirs, in this cowboy-as-Colorado community of 1700 souls. The trash service is provided free of charge unlike some Latin American towns where residents, often of limited means, are forced to choose between paying for trash pickup and buying a six-pack of cold beer.
– Dolores Alegria
Long Nights Astrograph
(General Horseshoe, incorruptible alchemist, star gazer, cosmic peasant and slave to the solar system takes no prisoners in the following appraisal of your very existence. We are not at all sorry if anyone is offended, upended, rebuked, ambushed or otherwise uprooted by these brave evaluations.)
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Watch out for Libras, Pisceans, Aquariums and other Capricorns and never trust the rest of them. Stop beating your head against the wall. Try using a small club or lead pipe instead to reach empty space between your ears. Cut to the quick when dealing with matters of the heart and soul. Pay attention to your body. Cardiac arrest has been found to relieve stress in laboratory rats. While conditions look encouraging for Capricorns this month, your lack of initiative will make you the sad exception. Don’t take any crap off loved ones. Helping friends can become a tedious commitment. Tonight: Cows in the barn.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)
Attempts to expand your knowledge are certain to net success, considering the jumping off point. Your restless ruler, Mercury, is slowly moving in reverse and headed for that new Dodge pickup across the parking lot. Although there is no insurance in life, you’d better get some quick. Opening doors for strangers only encourages them to come in. Venus or Mars will be devoted at least until the cash runs out. Money spent on the utterly trivial allows welcome relief from bothersome debt priorities. Don’t get ruffled. Tonight: Develop a foolproof opinion on gay marriage, illegal aliens, democratically inspired political torture and the expansion of nuclear weaponry.
PISCES (February 20 -March 20)
Devoting one’s time to material gratification means you should have more than the next person. Don’t get fresh with kick boxers. Spawning was last month. This month is snagging season. Wouldn’t you like to spend the winter with the other frozen foods? It’s impossible to go with the flow on the end of a hook. Garner advantages. Those fins look damned industrial. Examine your inner charm: You are always clean you rarely drool. Avoid predictable feeding habits. Your cold-blooded lifestyle may insulate you from more than you had once imagined. It’s all genetic. Tonight: Skip the chips.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
When dealing in financial matters keep a stiff upper hip or you could get caught with your pants down. The potential for a long, happy life awaits you but only if you make it through this afternoon. Spend equal time contemplating your inevitable destiny and your increasing density. Take advantage of insomnia. Sensual jogging is great for some but be careful not to pull a muscle in your libido. Using words you don’t understand is all right if you’re only talking to yourself anyway. Improvise despite inclinations to bull forward. Damn the torpedoes especially the one headed for your starboard side. Tonight: Roughing the kicker is only a five yard penalty in Canada.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Early indications are that golden opportunities have passed you by. What good is drastic self-improvement if nobody is watching? Look before you leap but never through rose-colored glasses. Buying people off could be better than putting them on for size. An old lover will hit you with his or her cane by mid-morning. Today is a great day to have your picture taken with a bowl of kibble. Repel nightly fears of household appliance breakdown. Be sure to drain all rum, vodka and gin bottles this month as these are summer concoctions and really should not be consumed in colder weather. Tonight: Congregational strolls with a handgun.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
It’s far too late to gain over-achiever status for 2019. Embrace adverbs under the mistletoe but keep your dangling participles out of the plumb pudding. Flapping tongues lead to curious rashes through the 15th. Sleeping in your car will not validate dreams of travel. Try letting the air out of your ego. It’s tough to maintain eye contact while plucking one’s eyebrows. Look both ways before crossing your vortex. Keep a bullish eye on the market for sales on ground beef. Learn the difference between on the street and in the street. Tonight: Too many political prisoners spoil the stew.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Pigeons may mistake you for a statue. Dogs may mistake you for a fire hydrant. Stay away from garbage cans when those noisy trucks are in that neighborhood. Break bread but not promises. Fixing things that are not broken is a much easier approach to the demands of general maintenance. Chicken lips make great stocking stuffers but long legs are far better. Your intrinsic stoned age instincts are in full swing this week. Hunt and gather till you puke. Go ahead and lie to yourself. Everyone else is doing it. Tonight: Examine the roots of Icelandic rap music.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Assignments that are difficult in the beginning should be left till the end. Maybe they will just go away. One-on-one relationships could spell double trouble unless someone else does the math. Venus (planet of love and seduction) will enter your 8th house of secrets and intimacy on Tuesday. Spend Monday mucking out your bathroom or the visit will be short-lived. Neptune and Pluto will ask you to co-sign a loan for an aircraft carrier. Read all pine frint carefully. Fill your dance card for the winter before the band breaks a string. Tonight: A suave, sophisticated fish wants to get his fins on you.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
At press time we have received little indication as to your plight for the month. This could be very good news or a disastrous turn of events depending on your altitude. The only option is to turn up the bass, and the salmon too? Let us know what happens. You’ve got to learn to think on a different plane but get to the airport early to assure a window seat. Homeland security officials are still looking for their butts in a windstorm. Watch out that they don’t grab yours. Resolve consumer inefficiencies. Change is important…Look there’s a dime on the ground! Tonight: Panhandle at the mall.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 23)
Lighting a fire under someone is only an expression. Republican neighbors will invite you to dinner. What could they possibly be having? Ambition is better left to the motivated. Time-sharing your emotions will prove to be a very poor investment. Keep things penned up until spring. Evaluate all unwanted bowl movements early in the day then go back to bed. How can you see yourself as a super hero when you don’t even own a decent cape? Be tolerant of the frustrations that you bring out in others. Running around the end could leave you with terrible field position later in life. Tonight: A surprise punt on third down will fool only the slower cheerleaders.
SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)
Your keen imagination creates worthless fairy tale delusions in the face of bad Japanese horror films. Snow White vs. Godzilla? Don’t expect much tail wagging in a dog-eat-dog world. Let’s go surfin’ now, everybody’s learnin’ how. Come on a safari with me. That bad singing voice and little tequila will come back to sting you. Use caution when working with unfamiliar tools such as your brain. Try a little sex appeal or at least brush your teeth. Household decisions should always be made right there in your house. Time spent under a flat rock can be beneficial. Tonight: Call your sister in Cleveland.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
The stress of Christmas and New Year’s are finally over and now the pressure is on for Ground Hog’s Day. When will it all stop? You know very well that it will stop and that frightens you too. Get used to “not going anywhere”. Embrace it. Travel plans could be interrupted by coal trains. Integrate with the front gate, lawn furniture or pieces of the fence. If you stay indoors you won’t need sunscreen. You are more adept than a pack rat but more inept than a church mouse. In the game of life stay with the picture cards. Tonight: Is guilt trips hyphenated?
Amazon Acquires Christmas
(Montrose) Faceless on-line merchandising giant, Amazon, has reportedly purchased Christmas. .The acquisition, for an undisclosed sum, sent shock waves through major stock exchanges already paralyzed by news that the Afghani Poppy Cartel had been admitted to the Wall Street’s exclusive market.
What this often-hostile buyout could mean for the age-old tradition of Christmas was not clear at the time of the report. Already most retail giants and the credit card companies have sought to placate the new owners with sales and other promotions aimed at selling more junk to the consumer.
What the communications concern will do with Christmas for the rest of the year was not discussed.
“We just hope they don’t ship it out of the country do to lower overhead and a workforce that will toil for less than the traditional employees at the North Pole,” said one consumer advocate.
In reference to the Afghani quotes many brokers here say they under the assumption that it was poppycock, not poppy stock that was being considered. All agree that margins for the agricultural commodity have risen sharply since peace gestures with the Taliban. Poppies are cultivated all over Afghanistan with each pretty flower containing high quantities of opium that is then processed into heroin.
“When the demand is that intense in U.S. and European markets, it will soon be reflected in ridiculous profits for some war lord or the other,” said a source on the floor here. “We just hope he’s an ally in the war against terror.”
– Princess Irm Peawit
SANTA TO TEACH SEX-ED
(Ridgway) Santa Claus has been hired to teach sex education here starting in January according to educators here. In compliance with guidelines set down by the Trump Administration the curriculum will be based on half-truths, superstition, misinformation and outright lies permeated by faith-based interests and aimed at keeping this segment of the population in the dark about such hushed topics as birth control and good health.
Santa was chosen both because his very existence is based on a myths and because he is free most of the year.
“All those elves must mean something,” said one teacher, “Our message here is abstinence. He’s got the credentials but can he whitewash the “blackboard” in accordance with the administration’s educational yardstick.”
Although there is no solid evidence that Santa was in any way involved with the procreation of the over 400 elves that live with him, he is seen as a father figure by many which may further qualify him for the teaching position.
– Pepper Salte
Elf Profiling Nets Viagra Bust
(Christmas Island)) Police here have arrested a dozen elves charging them with smuggling. The contraband, three kilos of viagra, was discovered during a routine stop. The elves say they were victims of profiling. The cops say their brake lights were out.
Distrust of strangers has always been part of the local culture here, especially on December 26 when the island is deluged with Christmas refugees like exhausted elves and cynical reindeer.
We don’t know what will happen to the elves, and frankly could give a damn. It was the headline that had potential.
If Santa intends to maintain his position of grandeur during the holidays, he must control his entourage. Every year citizens are subjected to foul language, brawling and petty theft. Last December we even observed three elves taking a leak off the roof of our newsroom.
Now, as many of you are aware, there is a big debate about elves in prison. Liberals whine saying the proportions indicate disparity of economic opportunity and outright racism. Crap.
The last thing we need to go with the Christmas hype is a bunch of crude little men, often inebriated, roaming the rooftops. Santa, dude, control your wee helpers. We are well armed and tired of their arrogance.
-Tommy Middlefinger
Holiday Schnapps…
Santa Pledges to Modify Guilt Trips in 2020
In closing up shop for yet another Yuletide, the jolly old elf reflected on Christmases gone by and those yet to come. Overwhelmed with emotion he bid a tearful goodbye to several retiring reindeer and elves and promised to make Christmas 2020 the best ever!
“One category that needs help is the persistent guilt related to the naughty or nice restrictions that have been firmly in place since the turn of the last century.
“These Victorian principles of trust and honor have no place in out modern world of baggy boxers, aging baby boomers, Boneland Security and video game massacres,” said Santa. “If we are going to keep pace with this whirlwind world we must adjust our parameters and see that our traditions continue to reflect a meaningful experience for all. Within this framework we must never revert or retreat from our stated goal – which is happy children all over the world!”
In closing Santa reiterated his views adding that he will simply leave the guilt trips up to the churches, television and government, three failing institutions that create fear within the population.
“These entities are performing quite crisply and do not need any help from our sector at this time,” he said. “Negative is contagious. Most people are guilty enough and afraid of a bundle of superficial bugaboos. Anyone laying guilt trips on my elves or reindeer will be cut off from the gifts parade, if you get my drift.”
– Tommy Middlefinger