All Entries Tagged With: "miners"
SPRING STEP HOROSCOPE
We sincerely hope that this candid, if not entirely scientific, astral appraisal will help you get what’s coming to you. Directions: For personal projection simply embrace verbiage under appropriate birth sign. If you cannot afford a sign one will be appointed by the quart. Retractions printed at $9.99 per pound. We do not discard used tires.
ARIES (March 21 – April 20)
Cattle prods could leave you suspicious of co-workers. Selling your soul in the market place does not guarantee residuals. Garbage truck crews rarely get rich on tips or commissions. Change expression occasionally. Silly games are their own reward. Insulate yourself from errors in judgment. The reason that you have been misled is that you are stupid. Big hearts and small brains just don’t mix well. Try gin and tonic. Twisted souls can’t walk a straight line unless it is the dotted kind. Refer to nutritional contents listed on side panel. Tonight: Sign language by the light of the moon.
TAURUS (April 21 -May 21)
Romance in and of itself is not the ultimate stumbling block. It’s your social budget that separates you from the herd. Flock off. It’s better to hang out with nice people with money than poor folks with a bad attitude. Act surreptitiously when under fire. Dictionaries and bibles make fine helmets. Dogmas need to be walked while creeds can stay home in a sunny window. If you begin to believe in yourself, Tinkerbelle fantasies cannot be far away. Choose friends and snow tires carefully. A bad penny is easier to discard than a wooden nickel. Your pocket jingle precedes you in fiscal circles. Tonight: Brood in the dark.
GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)
Embrace fringe relationships. That person in the mirror may not be your best friend. Keep emotions at an arm’s length and the point of retreat in the rear view. Use your energy in canning technology. Play the roll of a martyr only if you get your own dressing room. The Sun is still searching for a dynamic sector of your chart. Send up a flare. Shuffle the demands of peers and soon they will disintegrate. Dismissal from jury duty is no excuse for violence. Give someone your divided attention and all three of you will come out ahead. Tonight: Follow your own lead.
CANCER (June 22 – July 23)
Tendencies toward the reclusive limit Neighborhood Watch. When visiting relatives soften arrivals with clear dates of your departure. Keep your options open and your mouth closed. Tolerance is only the tip of the iceberg. Recent ideas are less than brilliant. When all else fails, order a pizza. Life is a roller coaster and you must set the bar or risk a tumble at the wrong time. Mental capacities are on the Imperial unit while romance is measured in Centigrade. Loitering near the garbage truck could net a one-way ride to the landfill. Tonight: Fireflies in the corn mash.
LEO (July 24 – August 23)
King or queen of the jungle is only a title. The real power lies within the realm of prime minister. A fish on a park bench is better than a flash in the pan. Drive-in movies are worth little at high noon. Celebrate an anniversary when you damn well feel like it. Diamonds are not in the shape of your heart. Catch and release will keep unwanted overtures on the chopping block. Passion will seek its own level even if it’s a lubricant of dreams. Your eyes may be bigger than your stomach. Tie up loose cannons. Why change oil if the engine still functions? Tonight: Limes make a persuasive case.
VIRGO (August 24 – September 23)
Don’t make a crutch of personal finances this month. Instead, a simple walking stick with a sharp end should do nicely. Maybe a dagger. Maybe a derringer. Wealthy people don’t worry about holes in their pockets. Occupy your mind with frequent flyer miles. Too much time in the cereal aisle can result in personality disorders by breakfast time. Talk is cheap while advice has never closed ranks in a buyer’s market. Focus on what you do well. Use a microscope. Tonight: Romance at twenty paces.
LIBRA (September 24 – October 23)
Wyoming is not a state of mind. Two-a-days did not take. Grab a bucket or audition for the part of tackling dummy. Isn’t your helmet on backwards? Ends will never meet but Scorpio linebackers can be quite compatible on special teams. Pay attention in the huddle. Don’t be overly defensive. Despite tedious preparation, over-running the play will make one look bad from the stands. Shoulder pads work best if you have the head to go with them. Take cheerleaders at face value. An offensive line is never in good taste. Tonight: An etiquette sandwich.
SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)
Put tendencies toward panic behind you. An emotional ride never gets good gas mileage and can be destructive to the interior as well. Check tire air pressure and go on. There is no sense being king of the hill if all the action is going on at sea level. An attractive airport security official may pat you down before evening falls. Get in touch with your cooperative side. Pluto, your ruling planet is at odds with Mercury, the planet of mind. Maybe you should invest in a meteor-proof vest. Tonight: Scapegoat cheese on the grill.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
Although you may be overflowing with confidence, be careful not to spill any on the sensitive wrappings of chronic insecurity. An inflated ego alone will not defeat Godzilla. You have to study the films. Deliver the goods and don’t stand around waiting for further compensation. While the injured feelings of others are not your concern, it is not necessary to twist the knife either. Cutting corners does not work when it comes to concrete or jello. Fragile roots could leave you out on a limb down the road. Tonight: Life in a nutshell.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 20)
Swallow all food carefully before you chew it. It would appear from your solar chart that you have little to flaunt. Be careful of too much fibrous fodder, as well as mustache hairs in the pudding. Big things lurk in your future unless you diet now. Pulling your own strings can be quite a workout on its own. Free weights aren’t free. Exercise videos often lack a viable plot. A hunch that you are no straight arrow will be right on target through the 19th. Lady Luck is still the champion arm wrestler. Tar is bad enough but when the feathers arrive, things may turn ugly. Tonight: Creamed corn falls on deaf ears.
AQUARIUS (January 21 – February 19)
Focus on the inconsequential. Bank on inner knowledge and current interest rates. People are comfortable ignoring you. Use this arrangement to your advantage. Sometimes invisible is better than invincible. Store all good intentions in a cool, dry place. Recycle opinions. 2020 could be a pivotal year for you but not if you spend it spinning out of control. Life may be a meaningless jumble of events but return tickets are at a premium. Flanking movements at the time clock will do little to insure job security. Tonight: The dog won’t eat caviar.
PISCES (February 20 – March 20)
Hold your breath while out of the water. The lure of fame may tip the scale. Everyone breaks waves sometimes. There is no future in being part of the chowder. Don’t trust worms, grasshoppers or Indian scouts with brass buttons. There is little discretion in muddy waters. Mind over matter is of no use when you’ve already swallowed the bait. Burn out is rare in frigid waters. Bottom feeders should never focus on high and dry affairs of the heart when dinner’s on the table. Keep a civil tongue in your head despite anatomical differences. Tonight: Take a refresher course in humility.
– Kashmir Horseshoe, Commandant Astral Cavalry of the Holy Order of Hibernians (1866), the Quiet Knights of the Talisman (1903), the Alchemist’s Pulpit (1949) and the Colonese Zone (1977-commission pending.)
“Despite the overabundance of dung heap news sources in this country Americans remain one of the most poorly informed populaces on the planet.” – H.L. Menoken
Contombe in Montevideo
Mural depicting Contombe music adds color to a downtown neighborhood in Montevideo, Uruguay
Stimulus package adjusting for trembling lip
When Democrats agreed to an eleventh-hour inclusion of Mitch McConnell on every virus relief check they had no idea what a quagmire was brewing. The total facsimile of the Senate Majority leader just didn’t look authentic and another holdup has ensued.
“We need the trembling lip and the look of one about to break into tears,” said a crossover Republican who called Donald Trump “a ranting nincompoop” during Beat the Press, a virtual reality news interview program conducted in a sterile and empty studio.
“It’s hard enough to function with social distancing and travel restrictions in place without demanding ridiculous additions when we’re ready to throw money at the monster,” said the senator who demanded animosity, fearing reprisals from the White House.
At present no one has the technology necessary to add these details to documents or expanded currency. McConnell’s insistence reeks of partisanship, according to sources on both sides of the aisle. They say he wants Americans to think he’s sending the money out of his own pocket.
“We can capture his face correctly, right down to that desperate, frightened, tearful expression so familiar to most Americans, but so far the trembling lip (classified as a trademark by Lloyd’s of London), is giving us trouble,” said one graphic artist still working at the Treasury Department. “That guise is tough to depict but the moving parts are almost hopeless.”
Critics say the amount of money spent on McConnell’s image could be better used to feed people affected by the virus. Most question why the wealthy politician would want a trembling lip when a firm facial edge would send a better message to a disoriented and confused population quite capable of ignorant and malicious behavior.
Meanwhile the Earth is Flat Coalition continues to defend money-grubbing, full frontal church services and plans to end quarantines.
“The Red States should be allowed to conduct business as usual relying on their gods to get them through this” said the former GOP source. “And if the situation becomes frantic we’ll simply have to build another wall. The race between global warming and Coronavirus is neck and neck down the stretch. Deniers of both will soon see reality quite clearly as their Commander in Chief takes a wizardly hot air balloon back to Kansas, or Mars, without even a reassuring goodbye.”
-Kashmir Horseshoe
Bear closures, extended hibernation told
(Ouray) The Colorado Black Bear Coalition has announced the cancellation of its 45th Spring Bruin Tunes and extended the official dates for acceptable hibernation. The developments are expected to severely affect mammals all over the Rockies.
For the flatlander, Bruin Tunes is a popular three-day feast that focuses on the scat art and crafts of dumpster diving, berry picking and home invasions. It often attracts up to 600 bear to the surrounding region prior to tourist season.
In monkeying with longstanding hibernation time parameters, the bruin planners have gone out on a limb, journeying to locales unfamiliar to the cave dwelling caniforms. They have in fact messed with instinct and tradition and now they can never go back, although most don’t know it.
Whether these departures from the norm will deflate response times during the impending fall garbage strike was not discussed according to persons with no knowledge of these events.
-Tommy Middlefinger
Dependence on foreign toilet paper nets dire proviso
(Washington) The White House this morning warned Americans of the inherent dangers lurking when trade imbalance and personal hygiene clash.
Toilet paper trees in Colombia
Sketching a dark future, President Trump told supporters that everything was terrific minus this one small caveat. He urged people to conserve stockpiled rolls and produce twice as much as last year. He praised the oil and linoleum industry and sang praises for those brave pioneers extracting the popular product by clear-cutting trees and drilling holes into the earth.
“And here’s to all of my compatriots sitting in public stalls, trapped in unfamiliar plumbing schematics, waiting in the rain for toilet paper,” he said, blasting the Chinese once again. “We are firmly in control here.”
A formal press release (on a roll of toilet paper) is expected by tomorrow. Critics are calling for a plunging on the domestic crisis and a complete flushing of initial response brokers and curious stock portfolios.
When asked by a reporter if he could reassure his constituency Trump responded by smiling, “Ask the Chinese”. This reference to China was the latest promo for a coming installment of The Oriental Scapegoat, a new virtual TV drama where contestants shoot out the eyes of tin Chinese bogeymen who are spinning around in a circle while Trump looks on. The pilot program has received rave reviews in television audiences from Naples to Naperville.
You say Corona, I say Colona
Who would you most like to be quarantined with for three weeks? What a question. How about for three months? That might be a bit taxing. How much toilet paper would one need to encourage a pleasant ambience?
The Federal Government has released new procedural implementations:
Wash your car 3 times a day that way your hands are clean.
Pray with Mike Pence for guidance
No gum chewing in public
Wear clean underwear at all times (you know why).
In the event of nuclear germ fallout get under your desk and cover your head.
Stay at least 800 yards away from strangers
Self-quinine for three weeks or so
Sell unlatching sox before the market crashes
Terminate all international travel since the airlines aren’t operating anyway.
Avoid touching yourself.
Apply snake oil when anxiety peaks
Don’t call us – We’ll call you
Read Quarantined With Your Ego. How to deal with your self-conceptions in a world facing apocalypse.
Update: Several leading opinion polls indicate that less than .01% of all Americans who has raved on about creeping socialism will turn down a stimulus check when it arrives in their mailbox. This includes churches that have lost millions in tithing with closures and social distancing.
*After earlier hopes were dashed, it appears that virus does not affect pine beetles.
In closing you are all invited to the Corona Beer Rebranding Party scheduled for July 4 at the Manana Grange. Suds and Social Distancing is the tantalizing theme and risqué costumes are encouraged. CEOs of the beverage company will reach out into the country’s pocketbook with their team. Many will have recent bonus checks stapled their foreheads.
Tainted currency source of virus in US
Bulletin: Deep State of Emergency
Citizens are urged to avoid unnecessary contact with paper bills of all denominations. Higher denomination currencies seem to carry germs more contagious than ones and fives. Get ride of them all. Credit and debit cards are not completely safe either. Treasury notes and gold are the most lethal.
Bag it up and drop it at Department of Fiscal Fermentation, Mirrors and Security, 33 Whinnerah Ave, Colona, CO 81403. You should receive a receipt for the transaction in 300 days or so.
Returnee Talks of Hereafter
(Banana Contento) A longtime shell shearer says he’s died and come back for another go round. The local man, whose name was not given, told stories of indirect lighting, great halls, boiling cauldrons of soup and cloud gatherings for tea at three (formal attire mandatory).
In addition he said the place was laid back and no one needed money. Beer was free and the first meal was beans and rice. People spent an hour a day engaged in chores such as pumping clouds and filling feather pillows, he said.
“We wanted to keep his identity secret until the story could be further investigated,’ said a local police spokesperson. “All we need is some pandemic over time travel or heaven’s gate and we’ll never again see a peaceful day.”
The returnee is being held at the Center for Diagnostic Space Dancing, according to an interview a local radio talk host Buster Rutledge of KRAT who was denied access to the facility Friday.
“The whole thing is a hoax. He’s some liberal,” claimed Rutledge, who recently won the Medal of Fodder for finally getting off drugs. “This guy has never been out of the county much less in the Great Beyond. This all reeks of another Democrat attempt to discredit the President.”
Readers may recall when a Colona man, Billy Blastoff returned from Great Beyond in 2018
“It’s a mirror of this world. An enchanted mirror, “ he had said. “Everything is the opposite — a perfectly reproduced reflection. The abyss rather ominous, no? No more madness – No more sense.
“I came back on my bonus ticket*,” he continued “to pick up my fish-eye lens and some sox for all my new friends. It can get chilly in the Evermore.
After a bonafide Wizard of Oz exit in the presence of thousands of disturbed citizens his hot air balloon floated up into the sky and away. He hasn’t been seen for weeks.
*A Bonus Ticket appears to be a premium granted to people who were good on earth but have no desire to return and stay here. They get one quick visit to attend to unfinished business.
-Estelle Marmotbreath
