All Entries Tagged With: "miners"
Polka, Olive Oil Life Enhancing
(Gunnison) People who regularly dance the polka and consume olive oil will live longer says a study conducted at Western State Universe here. The conclusions come as no surprise and the future is clear: We need more polka bands and we need to plant and cultivate healthy high-altitude olive trees along with the more traditional crops of onions and marijuana.
Researchers agree that long life expectancy in polka-friendly segments of Eastern Europe confirms their findings. They add that people in the Mediterranean region, whose diet is all but synonymous with olive consumption often live beyond the age of 100. Low stress, diet and rodeo participation were also factored into the formula that, of course, was measured in mule deer time.
Gluttony Replacing Travel Among Americans
(Grand Junction) Eating to excess is slowly replacing the desire to travel according to statistics compiled by the US Department of Health and Aimless Wandering. In January more than 52% of those tested gained weight while only 23% had the huevos to get on an airplane.
“It’s just that it’s easier to buy a package of Twinkies or eat at fast food emporium than it is to go anywhere,” said Melvin Toolski of the federal agency.”
Toolski added that most people become disoriented when faced with packing for even a short trip while what he called Tar Baby Security at the nation’s airports has made air travel chronically unpleasant and all but impractical.
“And this is not some cheap standup joke about airline food either,” he quipped.
Private Prisons need warm bodies! We already link education and health to monetary profit. Why not incarceration too? Invest today and share in the wealth. Plea bargains a dime a dozen through the end of the month. Ne clients: Can’t pay your bail? Grab a blanket.
Happy 4-20 from Antioquia, Colombia
La galleta favorita de la leche
Breakfast in the Andes
Beans, rice, fried plantains , cilantro and aji pimienta. Morning fuel for Paisa kings
CHURCH IN HOT WATER WITH IRS OVER CASINO OPENING
(Wimpton) The Chapel of the Full-Tilt Reformed Blinding Light Unicorn Salvation and Ante-Coastal Fellowship may forfeit its tax exempt status due to the opening of a high stakes casino on its 30,000 acre survivalist fortress here.
According to investigating Treasury Department officials tax exempt and gambling don’t mix well.
“Who ever heard of a non-profit black jack table,” said one IRS agent. “It’s virtually impossible even with the watered down games that these jokers have been pushing on their congregation since the Puritans hit the pulpit.”
The fellowship, which operates out of the trunk of a Buick LeSabre registered to a Rev. Phillip Pharisee, plans to appeal whatever decision is handed down on the grounds of religious freedom.
Traditional gambling interests in Las Vegas and Atlantic City have already threatened to align themselves with the church in light of the potential increase in customers.
“If we could crack the Sunday go-to-meeting crowd we might survive the onslaught of riverboat, Indian and low stakes shanty casinos that have cropped up in every fishing village, reservation and former mining town across the country,” said one poker-faced spokesman from Nevada.
“Imagine the profits from the fish fry/bingo contingent alone,” he mused.
Lobbyists for the gambling industry have long sought the relaxation of laws prohibiting children and the mentally ill from wagering paychecks and pumping slot machines.
“Let’s face it,” said the source, “eternal life is a gamble and there’s no better time to start counting cards than the present.”
A decision on the matter is expected Friday. Already Pharisee has threatened to relocate his fortress and his Buick to Russia, “where at least they have religious freedom”, if the IRS forces the issue.
– Uncle Pahgre
Feds Admit To Misplacing Rhode Island
(Providence) Today federal officials shocked the nation by admitting that they had lost Rhode Island for a few anxious hours in early April during the Corona virus lockdown. Sensitive to accusations about blatant incompetence and the absence of real security at the highest levels, a spokesperson for the feds read from a prepared statement:
“It is true that Rhode Island was in limbo on the morning of April 8. We could not find her anywhere. Then, almost as easy as we lost her, we found her again, hanging out with Massachusetts and Connecticut at the beach at Cape Cod.”
Relieved, the gov’ment workers quickly hauled the state back to its original position among the 13 colonies.
“At all times we were certain that Rhode Island would be located. In reality we did not lose Rhode Island. We just couldn’t find her. This was not a breach of security. We are functioning at the highest level. We are in charge. This is not a matter of easily access atomic secrets or even the botched forest fires of arrogance,” continued the release.
Insiders hope that the temporary absence of Rhode Island from the federal roster did not sprout seditionist sentiments down South where Confederates in the belfry, stung over prohibited display of the Stars and Bars, continue to fight the War Between the Snakes.
In closing, one spokesman for someone’s gov’ment, allegedly located somewhere in a fortified bunker on the Eastern seaboard, defended the loss in that Rhode Island is, “after all” the smallest of the states.
“If there are fifty birds in the hen house it’s easy to see how the smallest could stray especially with the hungry Constitutional fox on the prowl. It was a mere oversight,” said the red-faced lackey.
– Pauline Pettifogger
Canine’s CD Rips Up Charts
(Eldridge, CO)) In a world where just about everyone has released a CD, a local dog named Sparky has achieved overnight success with his maiden flight entitled “Are You Predictable?” The CD has cruised to the top of the pop charts holding onto fourth place in sales in just two weeks.
Receiving critical acclaim right out of the gates, the musical offering features enlightened howling and barking interspersed with selected excursions coupled with growling and whining. In addition to the CD the package offers a DVD of a recent performance and several designer dog biscuits direct from Paris. The music has been equally as popular with people as with dogs.
Worthy of special notation are the background yips in the Elvis hit “Is Your Bone Gone Tonight” and the dish-rattling percussion in the Del Shannon classic “My Little Runaway”.
Other selections include the tail-wagging “Marking My Way Back Home” and the popular single “Scratch My Ears and I’ll Scratch Yours”.
This is the first time in recorded history that a dog has succeeded in releasing a collection of songs into the mainstream. What makes this piece so incredibly priceless is that there are no instruments employed (no thumbs) and all songs were recorded on location.
“There is no place for synthesizers in the mind of the purist,” said one fan.
– Small Mouth Bess
