All Entries Tagged With: "miners"
New Shipment of Dogs Expected
(Crested Butte) This month’s allotment of dogs is slated to arrive this afternoon from the National Humane Society in Washington DC. Although Colorado already leads the nation in canines per capita the demand for new breeds and age diversification remains high.
The animals will be air lifted into Colorado and dropped via parachute to prearranged locations all over the Western Slope. All potential pet owners have to do is pick up the dog of their choice. return paperwork, (attached to the prefab collar), to the gov’ment. Transfer taxes, filing fees, adoption papers, feeding schedules, reproduction considerations, lineage, obedience training, field manuals, college planning and anger management are the responsibility of the new master. All outstanding sums are due June 15.
“There is just no way that anyone should be without a dog,” said Elmo Barque, Executive Director of Doggie Drop, a non-profit group that seeks to place puppies in suitable homes. “Even the most irresponsible, spoiled mountain child should have a companion. We do really well with the drop onto the Western State campus in September. Everybody wants a cute puppy,” he explained, “for at least a week or two.”
Barque refused to comment when asked about a possible doggie pickup program slated to kick off in October.
“Dogs shouldn’t ride in the backs of pickups,” he shot. “It’s dangerous. Haven’t you ever watched that Major Hoolihan on TV?”
– Rocky Flats
Building permits, marriage licenses, Colorado residency documents, insurance cards, driving permits, Sociable Security cards, teeth pulled, gentle recycling, dog food on weekends. Mack the Hack
RV MISTAKEN FOR RHODE ISLAND
(Norwood) The mobile barricade, which has been clogging Norwood Hill since Thursday, has been identified as a 7,000-ft. long recreational vehicle and not the state of Rhode Island, as had been previously surmised. The slow moving RV was at first identified as a land mass, due to failed attempts by the local highway department to dislodge it from surrounding rock formations.
“The blockage is in no way the fault of the great state of Rhode Island,” said Norwood pharmacist, Joe Vigil, who observed the event from behind the RV while attempting to deliver a prescription to a ranch up Ed Joe Draw. “It’s just that the damn thing displayed a license plate from that state. Isn’t it amazing how rumors get started?”
At press time, the RV is still attempting to scale the hill, having passed the second guardrail by noon and reaching speeds exceeding two miles per hour. An estimated 625 cars and pickups delayed by this venture will be airlifted into downtown Norwood under the cover of darkness. The RV itself will be designated as a new wilderness area. Its driver and passengers will be ticketed for impeding the normal traffic flow, and then shot.
-Rocky Flats
Eating Crow Never Tastes Good
(Ouray) A controversial summer project which places a bounty on Ravens, crows and magpies is a hit with idle school children so far this summer but it has animal rights advocates fuming.
“We’re not alluding to force-fed opinions, admissions of wrongdoing, extracted apologies or relinquishing long-held beliefs,” said Earl Beake, a local rice farmer. “The term eating crow does carry with it other implications.
The plan, dubbed Bring Back the Songbirds, seems to be gaining momentum with over 200 crows no longer reported out of commission. Kids are paid $2 per crow and limited to sling-shots, pellet guns and rocks as their arsenal. Adults are restricted from participating in the action.
“The crow thing gives local kids a chance to earn spending money while ridding the town of unwanted pests,” said Beake, who hates the sound of the overbearing bully birds early in the morning. “It gets them out of the house and is far less violent than living in the suburbs.”
Critics here and elsewhere say the practice of downing the loud creatures is cruel and teaches kids the wrong approach to a problem. Supporters of the program say the crows have bullied other bird species, often driving them out of town. In addition, they add, the crows are ill-bred, perverted pests that strut around cawing and making indecent remarks.
As a gesture of sincerity Bring Back the Songbirds has invited all opponents of the bounty method to a sit-down diner at the Community Center on May 25 to discuss the matter. Anyone with input in this matter should attend a city council meeting and let their views be known. If you are having problems with a specific crow and/or do not like to attend meetings please contact your local police.
-Fred Zeppelin
The People’s Quart
(An indicting synopsis of legal goings-on under the friendly green awning of jurisprudence)
The following data is lifted directly from court documents in Town of Jingo, County of Manana, Colorado. The information is released with the approval of principals herein for the benefit of personal freedom and access jurisdiction.
Idarado Mining Company vs. People of Colorado
At this point the saga attorneys for Idarado/Newmont Mining and Milling are just about to present “conclusive and irreversible evidence” that Idarado is not guilty of spilling waste into Bear Creek and therefore not responsible for future cleanups or EPA foreclosures. Instead, they assert, that less than hygienic Hippies swimming in the creek during the 1977 Telluride Bluegrass Festival polluted the water. The lawyers are asking that the court confiscate Bluegrass receipts to identify and prosecute the offenders and stop pointing the finger at the mining industry. Attempts to contact the alleged perpetrators has been slow going since many, almost forty years later, are out selling real estate.
Idarado/Newmont has also blamed for the presence of PCBs, acetone and trichloroethane in local rivers, on local Ute bands, which were forcibly vacated from the premises in 1874. That accusation will be undressed on the federal quart docket in December. A change of venue to the planet Mars is expected.
San Juan Horseshoe vs. Barnacle Media
Can a respectable journalist leave his bar tab to a colleague after death? Publisher and Retired General Horseshoe has gone all the way down to the knuckles on this one. His will, drawn up as a conclusive precedence to what is inevitable, leaves a stunning bar arrangement at Kochevar’s Ballroom in Crested Butte (With all of the privileges and responsibilities of the working press) to Crested Butte News editor Mark Reaman, an occasional sipper. Horseshoe who is still quite warm, claims that the tab options constitute roughly 3 times the value of his estate and thus cancels any advertising fees due the News.
He has gone on record as saying he would like to the keep the matter out of probate court because “everyone could die of thirst while that institution establishes jurisdiction much less validity over the avowed, albeit spirituous pact.” Reaman was not in quart this morning preferring to journey to Denver to accept a Ski Writer’s Award for penmanship.
Po’ Folk vs. Vail
The more than 300 persons were arrested in Eagle County on Saturday during a Poor People’s March on Vail were arraigned this morning. After promising to subsist and go home the violators were released on two months probation and a fifty-dollar fine that all but 3 refused to pay. Lawyers representing what the tastefully coiffured media are calling The Vail 300 are calling for the immediate release of all prisoners from the Gerald Ford Work and Ski Facility at Beavercreek, where they currently labor making turns, washing towels and picking up trash.
Civil liberties attorneys, who have joined the melee, are seeking an injunction against Vail that would provide for housing and mass transport for the workers in question. Circuit Judge, Oliver Cromwell has pledged to satisfy all concerns by the weekend. The Vail 300 inmates are expected to be moved to the John Elway Minimum Security Trailer Park in Minturn by later today.
“All the answers that I started with turned into questions in the end.” -Alison Kraus
Team Hook Up Files Chapter 11, Promises Comeback
Principles may have left town last night says sheriff
Colona had quickly become the computer-dating hub of the Rockies…then the pandemic ended it all. Since local courting helper, Team Hook-Up relied on personal contact evaluation and not virtual romance business dried up when close up encounters became a no-no.
The industry had hurled itself on an unsuspecting public back in the fifties disguised as payola radio and seedy, traveling game shows. After a three-decade spree the dating scene had generated an estimated 4.2 billion dollars in revenue and real estate.
That money has since disappeared leaving consumers wondering whom, if anyone, to trust. The cash was liquidated over time while the real estate was buried out in someone’s yard or some such arrangement.
Nonetheless boards were coming off the windows on Hotchkiss Avenue the morning and Team Hook-Up associates were making their way to their hermetically sealed cubicles with fine mist disinfectant spray receptacles, foot fumigation floor mats and assorted weak alliteration. They were hoping for their paychecks.
“A brand new virtual dating site should be up by next weekend,” read an ad in The Wildcat Creek Fur Ball, a local weekly covering the wool market and the town’s business news, peppered with naughty gossip from up on Log Hill.
It reports that county investors were burned when the most recent operators left town with bailout cash and personal stats on over 3 million anxious romantics.
“Local participants can continue the “semi-interrupted service” via letter writing, crusising the second-hand stores and hanging out in front of Montrose Wal-Mart. “Church is still a damn good place to meet other singles.” counseled the paper.
-Fred Zeppelin
Additions to the Fear List (continued)
The updated roster of things to be afraid of compliments of
your federal government and trusted institutions.
611. Identity theft
612. Terrorists
613. High cholesterol
614. The Devil
615. Serious hot dog consumption
616. Corona19 Virus
617. Monster Hornets
618. Government buildings
619. Black men driving around in cars at night
620. Erectile dysfunction
621. Illegal aliens
622. Terrorists (domestic)
623. Terrorists with their dogs off the leash
624. Altered fruits and vegetables
265. Second-hand smoke
626. Broken glass
627. Visible panty lines
628. A Black or Woman Democrat in the White House
629. Shiites
670. Low blood sugar
671. Terrorists posing as elected officials
672. Domestic terrorists in open-carry mode
673 Galactic terrorists
674. High altitude tsunamis
675. New age ideas
676. Terrorists disguised as terriers
677. Habeas corpus
678. Those awful environmentalists
679. Bears
670 Politician that tell you how to pray
671 Preachers that tell you how to vote
672 Unexplained viruses
673 Simple-minded domestic terrorists
674 Packs of wolves in your kitchen
675 Liars in positions of power
676 Media manipulators
Continued on page 41
