All Entries Tagged With: "miners"

Many US statues pulling up stakes

(Richmond, VA) A vast cross-section of sculptures, effigies, figurines, bronzes and even some busts are off to greener pastures for fear of being toppled, disfigured or defaced in the suddenly trendy, anti-racist frolic here in the US.

Most of those at risk are headed to Easter Island where they have been granted temporary refugee status. Some other statues are reportedly steaming toward Kampuchea, Venice and the Colossus of Rhodes.

International icons such as Peter the Great, the Little Mermaid and a glut of Buddhas say they are sit-in it out hoping the massacre will not paddle across oceans into their domains.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“Let’s not confuse Jim Crow with Robert E Lee. Them Yankees don’t give a lick for you Bessie.” – The Statue of Liberty to former house slave, Bessie Wonder, New Orleans 1866 from the film “Bone With the Wind”

Reunion:

Attention! All of those who were banned, barred or 86th from Red’s Gravy Heaven for unsociable or destructive behavior between the years of 1979 and 2019 cordially invited to a reunion. RSVP, LSMFT. No Irish. Manana’s only Vegan Bar and Grill. Come meet the new owners.

Get your seating now

Reserve seats today for the 2021 Donald Trump Going Away Party in January. Crowds are expected to be 35 times the size of the inaugural Draw in 2017. Masks of all types required.

El condado podría ver vacas solares para 2025

(Ridgway) Si la investigación genética se mantiene en buen camino, el ganado operado por energía solar local podría adornar los pastos locales en la primavera. Ya se ha avanzado rápidamente en el área de los sistemas de apoyo bovino y los aditivos de combustible destinados a cambiar la forma en que los animales se alimentan.

Durante siglos, las vacas domésticas han sido alimentadas con pastos y otros forrajes con resultados predecibles en el extremo del gas metano. También existe el costo creciente de combustible adecuado y el esfuerzo constante de limpieza. Con la aplicación de los principios solares, las tareas tediosas de alimentación e irrigación terminarán, toda la operación corre a cargo de una persona desde su computadora portátil.

“Algunos veteranos son resistentes a estas mejoras genéticamente alteradas”, dijo la Dra. Alice Phallfa, del Servicio de Extensión de Pendientes Sunnyside. “Pero será mejor que se salgan del camino. La ciencia avanza, incluso en los campos de heno y corrales de los Estados Unidos”.

Phallfa dice que el concepto es sólido y que las vacas pueden funcionar con la energía generada por el sol hasta 15 horas por día. Además, no se alejan mucho de las baterías de pasto y ya no son necesarios sistemas elaborados de cerca.

“La calidad de los productos lácteos y la carne de res tampoco sufre en las razas de prueba solar”, continuó. “De hecho, muchas personas prefieren la leche y los quesos producidos con energía solar. Esperamos expandir este avance para incluir también a las cabras y las ovejas”.

Phallfa se negó a comentar cuando se le preguntó sobre la controvertida píldora de la mañana después de la vaca loca que ya está en circulación en lugares como Asia, África, Europa, América del Sur, México y Canadá.

“Nos gustaría agradecer a la herradura de San Juan por la extensa cobertura de un tema que otros periódicos tienen miedo de desnudarse”, dijo. “Sin periodistas valientes como este estaríamos de vuelta en la era de la drogadicción”.

En una actualización relacionada, parece que Ridgway Farmer’s Market ha vencido el rap de la esclavitud blanca que ha perseguido a ese contingente agrícola en los últimos meses.

“No vendemos ni hemos vendido agricultores en ninguno de nuestros negocios de productos”, dijo un portavoz. “No toleramos la esclavitud humana, a menos que, por supuesto, esté dentro de la privacidad del hogar y con el consentimiento de un adulto, y nunca la hayamos sugerido como una alternativa viable a los huevos de corral o la lechuga orgánica”.

Extraoficialmente, el portavoz admitió que la esclavitud blanca podría ser lucrativa, especialmente durante los meses de invierno, pero que la población ya no parece interesada en comprar granjeros con el nuevo City Market y todos los maravillosos establecimientos de comida rápida que se encuentran a poca distancia en Montrose. .

No estaba claro si algo de esto indica una desaceleración económica general en todo el país o si los humanos sobrevivirían otra década comiendo de latas.

– Melvin O’Toole

Melvin O’Toole ha publicado más de 10,000 artículos sobre alimentos alterados herméticamente. Ganó un premio Pulitzer en 1995 por la longitud de palabra en su contribución literaria Them Beets Are After Me, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.

Colona Schoolhouse Haunted?

County authorities confirmed that DNA collected in and around the Colona School strongly indicate the presence of “spirits from way long ago”. According to circuit rider parapsychologists, the institute of learning was built smack on top of a Neanderthal graveyard. The recent historic facade lifting, with its inherent banging, may have awakened the dead according to Dr. Charlotte Ziti, MSW, ZBT, LSMFT. “One cannot discount DNA,” said Ziti, who questioned local lore claiming that the town of Colona had been under a spell since the removal of the Utes after the Meeker Massacre. Now, as a result of these miraculous findings, all future candidates for public office must show a minimum of a middle school diploma and submit to genetic testing to ascertain what they might hope to accomplish during their potential tenure. Emergency workers on the scene report gathering over 400 wheelbarrows full of DNA on the first morning. “There’s a lot of it around and some of it is clearly not of the homo sapiens variety,” said one engineer on the project.

Snoring Machine Perfected

(Ouray) A gasoline-powered, alternate current device is ready for the assembly line according to inventor Melvin Toole, of Red Mountain Town. The contraption, created from rusty, discarded mining tin, brass pipe, circular fans and dangling tin foil, sports tiny speakers and a heat detection gadget that sets it off when intruders, human or otherwise, approach.

“It sounds exactly like snoring,” said Toole, “with woofers and tweeters pushing compressed oxygen into the pipe caverns and the fans taking it from there.”

Toole plans to market the product to people who want to keep bears and other predators away whether out in the woods or at home. The machine requires simple installation. It can be mounted on one’s structure or easily staked into the ground adjacent to a tent.

“Right now our main focus is the audio,” said Toole. “It has to sound authentic or the bears or they won’t be detoured in their marauding. It has to sound like another animal is on the premises. My apparatus is easily the best precaution for the dollar. It beats expensive security systems and is more streamlined than armed sentinels.”

Toole told The Horseshoe that the machine would cost approximately $400.

“That,” he said is cheap compared to the destructive capacities of local bruins. “After the fact, when it’s usually too late to prevent damage or violence people are always surprised at what one of these beloved monsters can do to a kitchen or patio.”

     “One resident up here has his entire deck destroyed by a large sow in search of food. Another woke up to find his car completely totaled after an angry bear was denied entry into a freezer and threw a tantrum,” he explained.

“People who are confronted with nosy bear while sleeping in a tent could face even more serious consequences,” he said. “We just want to make the night safer for people.”

“I’m a great putter. I just can’t seem to get the ball to go into the little hole.”

-Danny the Druid