All Entries Tagged With: "Lake City"

Smart Phones Not Helping Says Study

(Palo Abajo) The wide use of what the communications industry calls Smart Phones has not resulted in an increase in intelligence according to Mensa, the high IQ society that often monitors cerebral behavior patterns.

According to the most recent study the use of the Smart Phone has resulted in the marginal loss and de-evolution of applied logic, the quasi-disappearance of social exchange and sometimes lower test scores among the control groups engaged. These interface maladies are becoming more and more common and threaten to disrupt the onion cart in the very near future.

The institute did not elaborate further.

Missing Mule Deer Program Nixed

(Manana) A fledgling search effort aimed at locating and returning lost or runaway mule deer to their homes has been scrapped after only two seasons. The well-financed plan ended without fanfare after biological social workers failed to impact the status of so much as one of the forlorn.

In its defense, the recovery strategy was hampered by savior syndrome with a side of pettiness. Like many upstart directions the program seemed more about pecking order and hierarchy than desperate mule deer. After a few months insiders were asking whether anyone was taking the matter seriously at all.

Now most of the sensitive date is stored in sugar beet crates in an unmarked basement office of some grandiose cathedral to implied democracy.

Many good Samaritans, working overtime, say the problem lies within familiarity in that every mule deer looks the same.

“There are large and small, fat and lean, young and old but basically they all have that same stupid look on their face,” said Alana Jardin, an animal behaviorist on loan from Colombia. “We used to have deer problems too but in 1600 we relaxed our hunting restrictions and allowed the second generation of Conquistadors to “have at it”. Clearly after 400 years there are almost no deer and almost no deer to locate or recover,” she said.

“Flank ‘em,” says Antler Tom Gilhooley, who favors putting a mule deer in charge of the entire investigation. “Contending that all mule deer look the same is the most ignorant, bigoted, sexist, even polarizing statement I have ever heard. I intend to go home, tune up my Martin, and write a country song about it.”

-Tommy Middlefinger 

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Children’s Advocacy PAC Slams Leftist Media

(Dayton, OH) A little know child-advocacy committee has criticized a host of former allies in what they call the irresponsible liberal media. The alleged charges, according to persons familiar with the case, will likely morph into a civil lawsuit with potentially embarrassing results for all parties concerned.

The legal action claims “associating personality traits of innocent four-year-olds with former president Donald Trump is libelous to children and borders on child abuse”.

Initiated on the grounds that children were unfairly “linked to abnormal behavior on the part of an adult” (Trump) the suit has expanded to include the bugaboo card (abuse claims) and seeks to clearly identify victims and perpetrators.

“Every time we hear the liberal media lambaste Trump as a four-year-old it casts negative light on millions of pre-school Americans,” said Betsy Devisive, one of hundreds of former Education Secretaries tied to our schools. “It’s unacceptable. It makes these kids look bad and must stop.”

Defenders of the comparison say they never meant to compare anyone to anyone else.

“What a spin these bastards put on everything,” said Stan Pureheart (D-Costa Rica). “Instead of understanding the expectations of maturity levels and putting the ball in play these critics refuse to see the patterns of behavior here. We are saying that Trump is a baby not that all four-year-olds need a spanking!”

One independent voice from the back of the room said: “Democrats should be happy they have the GOP across the aisle allowing them to escape the scrutiny of inaction and naked class privilege that has haunted our political institutions since Yorktown. The Republicans should be relieved that their adversaries have no plan and no teeth to go with that absent plan. Both parties have more in common with each other than with the average working American.

Sadly, when asked, most heel-digger supporters of Trump did not recognize the reference to Yorktown in this piece nor could they expound on any analogies made to The Reichstag. Since none carried maps of the world no further instruction was possible. Many called the question itself fake news and ranted on about Hillary’s emails.

Meanwhile mob violence in the United States has achieved great strides in entertaining its detractors all over the globe while strengthening anti-democratic dictatorships as agreed to in the Putin Doctrine, loosely disguised as a take-out Chinese menu, and signed into law by the Senate on Thursday.

– Finn McCool

Lauren come lately

Most of Trump’s sycophants have been planning their slithering escape for months but our pistol-headed Congresswoman has just now jumped onto the deck of a sinking ship with no captain, no rudder, no helm.

Just orange hair and puffiness.

Has she no sense at all? Even thieves know when to stop stealing.

Even crooked politicians know when to pull the plug or at least play dead for a while.

Vile, floating flack ego, deflated,

Arise the paper Benito doll

skewered like the defenders of Jerusalem

when the Crusaders took the day.

“It’s only a coup d’etat if it comes from the Coup D’etat region of France. Anything else is just Sparkling Treason.” 

– comment on editorial pages in Washington Post

Lynx and Moose Welcome Gray Wolf to Colorado

(Denver) Lynx and moose, species recently reestablished in these mountains several years back, were on hand today to welcome the gray wolf back to the state.

“Our story has been a rousing success thanks to the co-existence of humans and wild creatures,” smiled Marcia Lynx. “There are now more of us in Colorado than there are marijuana dispensaries.”

“We moose can be cranky and a handful but all in all we feel the program that brought us down here is solid and natural in every detail,” said Al, a 1200-pound spokesman for local moose herds. “I wish the federal gov’ment would pay attention when they establish immigration policy for the country.”

Marcia Lynx above Lake City in early November

We asked Al if he was concerned about quality of life here since wolf packs are often the natural enemy of moose, often eating the weaker animals.

“Bring them on,” sneered Al. “We’ll kick some wolf ass.”

No one dared suggest that gray wolves have lived in remote parts of Western Colorado since even before John Denver or that Big Bad Wolf Syndrome was lurking in the dark timber and behind the willows.

“They’ve been here since my great grandparents homesteaded this place and now, even though we didn’t vote for it, we’ll be getting more of them,” said one Rangeley rancher who said that the animals are intelligent, keep to their packs and that livestock issues have been minimal.

Al the Moose, near Silverton in July

Other Western Slope residents were not so tolerant.

“If the liberals want more wolves they should try them out in Littleton or Boulder and see how that goes first,” said Mirabelle Pritchard of Ecstasy Orchards in Paonia. I intend to write my newly elected Congresswoman suggesting a bill that reintroduces wooly mammoths to Cherry Hills.”

Pritchard conceded that predators rarely attack apple and cherry trees saying she feels for her neighbors who run sheep or cattle.

Others took a wait and see approach

“Some of the folks were just thrilled at having wolves in the state again but they’ve been here the entire time,” said Al the Moose. “The idea had been to keep the wolf presence quiet or not rock the conestoga. Life can be disappointing enough as it is. Who are we to disillusion them.”

-Fred Zeppelin

“There are cracks in everything; that’s how the light gets in.” – Leonard Cohen