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(Gunnison) prominent gardening voice in the Gunnison Valley is recovering from a pointed altercation suffered outside of a local nursery yesterday. According to police, Melvin Toole will survive the injuries although he is having trouble holding water at present.

      The fight reportedly precipitated over the definition of  perennial and in no time had exploded into violence as threats were realized and knives were brandished.

     The assailant, a 93-year-old Gunnison grandmother identified as Mabel Singleton, allegedly rushed the unsuspecting Toole as he fondled a tomato plant, stabbing him repeatedly. Singleton, a retired botanist, once employed by the Pentagon, said she could not tolerate Toole’s condescending attitude toward  the philodendrons. She is being held at the Alamo/Pizza Mountain Mental Health Clinic for psychiatric observation. If convicted she could face pruning and lifetime banishment from gardening operations in the Tomichi Sector. 

     In a related piece, the same newspaper’s obituary editor, Rocky Flats, dropped dead just after deadline on Friday. Flats has only recently won the Mormon Lottery. His winnings will be split up between his ex-wife, Frieda, a Paraguayan traffic cop and his brother Red who once raised giant shrimp near Parlin.

– Estelle Marmotbreath

“Good Lord! I almost slept through cocktail hour.”

-Kashmir Horseshoe, on the pros and cons of the daily siesta in South America