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Hot Dog Eating Champ to head FDA

Milton Reliche, a 12-time world hot dog eating champion has been tapped by the Trump Administration to run the FDA. He replaces Eliot Mustard, MAGA stalwart Ed Onion and Muriel Pickle-Reliche, yes, the same Muriel who is married to Milton Reliche, and the chairwoman of a North Korean/Quasi-Siberian lingerie empire.

Many loyalists were in attendance, most notably the Duke of Cucumber and the Head of Romaine, vegetarians since birth.

“What exactly is the FDA?” Asked one of the honorable senators. “Are they with us or agin’ us?”

Reliche, who has reportedly taken a loyalty oath in 2016, will receive Secret Service protection after securing second place in the World Weiner Cup competition held last night in Florida. His finish has been contested with supporters claiming the results were fixed and the hot dog machines were tainted.

If approved by rubber stamp agencies rearing up at the state and federal level, Reliche will begin his catering duties in the Oval Office next week. He is expected to serve as interim economic advisor (tariff czar) to the current administration, filling in when the president dismisses anyone who is “not nice”. 

-Pepper Salte