All Entries Tagged With: "horseshoe"

IN DEFENSE OF THE MOUNTAIN LION

by Rex Montaleone and Pauline Parvenu

Now, let’s see…magpies, malls, misappropriations, moon pies, mountain lions…ah…mountain lions…much maligned mountain lions…These proud cats of the Rockies have been the victim of bad press for centuries even carrying a stiff bounty on their heads until recent years. The adult cat, known as a puma, panther, cougar, catamount or El Leon in other parts of the Western Hemisphere may be either a gray color or a reddish or yellowish color called tawny. Its hairs are fawn-gray tipped with reddish-brown or grayish. He has no spots and in this way is different from his cousin the jaguar. The throat, the insides of the legs and the belly are white, and the tip of the tail is black. Some mountain lions are solid black but they are quite rare in the Southern Rockies.

Despite years of bad publicity there is no conclusive proof that the graceful mountain lion is a threat to livestock, unless of course he is hungry.

A full-grown animal may be over five feet long not counting the heavy tail that is usually two to three feet long. The heaviest lion on record weighs in at about 250 pounds. The body is slender and the legs are long. The head is round and rather small. As one can quite well imagine the mountain lion is a formidable foe on physical prowess alone. Combine his high intelligence and sly, methodical nature and any adversary, even a badger or wolverine, could have a major donnybrook on his hands.

Mountain lions have from one to five cubs at a time, which can be very taxing for the female. If a hiker comes across a female lion with cubs the best approach is to wave his arms and make noise. You will then appear larger and fiercer. If this doesn’t work you might try running like hell even though the lion will probably see that as a sign of fear and attack immediately. One good idea is to bring along an ample supply of raw meat in your backpack that could serve as a diversion in a tight spot. Mountain lions are generally timid when in the proximity of man and are less likely to attack than other cats such as the smaller lynx or bobcat.

Although mountain lions go to great lengths to avoid contact with man the population has grown steadily since the animal has been protected. Most Western states have a season on the lions but they are severely restricted. More cats are killed attempting to rustle livestock than are shot during bow and rifle season combined.

The cry of the mountain lion is wild and terrifying. It sounds like a woman screaming in pain. The animal also has a soft whistle call that can be quite unnerving to potential prey. Mountain lions hunt at night. Its chief prey are deer, followed by elk. On special occasions it kills a bighorn and if hungry enough will feed on small mammals, rodents, even skunks and porcupines. The cat generally keeps under cover while stalking its prey then suddenly leaps upon the animal breaking its neck and dragging it to the ground. Unfortunately most herd animals, including domestic ones, don’t have access to all this information or they certainly wouldn’t go out after dark.

Imagine living life as a sheep, in the strictly literal sense. You have just finished grazing on the side of a hill and are set for some shut-eye. The shepherd is already asleep and the moon is full. Off in the distance you hear a shrill cry. The rest of the herd is tense. In the shadows you can see the silhouette of the predator, creeping his way toward your flock. What is he after? Surely the shepherd will protect his sheep. Wait! He’s looking right at you! No, this just can’t be. You’re too young to die plus you’re scheduled for shearing on Monday! Look at those biceps. Oh no. It’s too late. He’s stepped up his pace. His claws are extended. He’s in the air. He’s got you…

How often do you think this bloody scenario occurs over the summer season when the woolies are up high and the mountain lion has expanded its hunting radius? Every night? Once a week? Once a month? Wrong! There are far more sheep killed on the highways than by the cats. Everyone, especially the crafty mountain lion knows that elk and venison are way better tasting than mutton. Lions who engage in this kind of roguishness are usually too old to catch anything else and are badly in need of a snack.

The mountain lion is an extremely social animal and lives in a den with its family, or pride until the young cubs are old enough to hunt for their own food. Actually observing a mountain lion in the wild can be a thrilling experience depending on your ranking on the food chain.

The human reaction to mountain lion forays is to mount a hunting party or posse and go out after the lion. This generally results in a lot of senseless wandering around the hills at night with whiskey and loaded rifles. Which lion is to blame for the crime? Can these trackers distinguish between a lion who was home in bed at the time of the infraction and the feline rascal who raided the herd? It’s not likely. Therefore it’s the old solution of an eye for an eye and the only accomplishment is often one less lion and no increased security for the sheep. One of our neighbors placed a series of spotlights around her corrals in an attempt to discourage further onslaughts but the mountain lion in attendance simply used the light to scope out the fattest prize and then dined by simulated candlelight.

Animal behaviorists stop short of suggesting that the mountain lions should police themselves regarding this grave matter. However, that is not a valid approach to the conflict. Many ranchers have employed llamas, dogs and high fences in an attempt to spare sheep a gruesome death but the cats are just too smart and too powerful. The core of the problem is simple enough: a herd of sheep is clearly defined as lunch buffet by mountain lions.

The cats sometimes kill calves and young horses. The largest variety of mountain lion has been given the scientific tag hippolestes, which translates as horse killer. This is a heartless misconception as more horses die each year of jockey abuse and rattlesnake bites than from lion attacks. Nobody calls the rattlesnake hippolestes. This, like most other things evolving from the human factor, is not fair.

As the mountain lion population increases so do these scrapes with the law. Efforts to pay the ranchers for losses have not worked. A plan to designate certain low grade sheep and cattle as official mountain lion cuisine has never gotten off the ground nor have the construction of mine fields since sheep are way dumber than most wild predators.

Mountain lions do a lot of good when left to their methods. Many have helped control the poodle population even on redwood decks of our Front Range sprawl. That takes some guts all right! Unlike bears, lions aren’t proficient dumpster divers, unlike coyotes they won’t keep a camper up all night and unlike deer they do not loiter on the highways at dusk and dawn.

Probably the most important contribution of the big cat is his inherent wildness. At a point where man is polluting his planet and manufacturing stress upon more stress, the presence of a beast like the mountain lion succeeds in giving us hope. Long after our species (and its livestock dependents) has burned itself out, the mountain lion will still be prowling these forests looking for a hot meal.

-Kevin Haley

CHILDPROOF CONDOMS APPROVED BY MAO CLINIC

Doctors at the prestigious Mao Clinic have given final OK on a new breed of childproof condoms, which are slated to hit the market by fall. The feds have granted preliminary approval despite the ranting of consumer groups that say the product is already often too difficult to negotiate as it is.

“We realize the inconveniences but we can’t have these devices falling into the wrong hands,” said one physician.

The condoms, wrapped in layers of materials thought to be beyond the engineering grasp of a three-year-old, will not be a security issue with children but adults often find they cannot open the product at that special moment.

“It’s like trying to march a herd of elk through the eye of a needle,” or something Biblical like that,” said Rock Cracker, who invented the carefree liner that boasts of quality and ultra-security.

“We have to protect our children from sins of the flesh,” said Senator Oral Noise (Dupe-TX) who has taken credit for insuring the products’ acceptance by the male population actively engaged. “Our kids come first,” he said reaching for a righteous slogan to pin on the donkey.

The term “child-proof” may be adding to the confusion herein since lawmakers have not yet decide on complete approval of the condoms.

“Are these things childproof in the arena of pregnancies or are we talking about childproof in that they cannot be accessed by toddlers?” asked Cracker. “Until we rebrand we will continue to have chaos in a realm that has been a continuing source of amusement and complication since we came down from the trees.”

Experts suggest that parents provide children with other toys like balloons so as to redirect their attention. If that fails they recommend locking condoms (or children?) up in a rifle case, a safety deposit box or disguising them as dreaded turnips or icky Brussels sprout and storing them in the refrigerator.

Wong Hamstring Haunts Coaching Staff

The jury is still out in the hamstring case of High Flyer’s ace Wilber Wong who pulled the tendon while bicycling across the Azores in search of the perfect rosin vineyard last summer.

“Actually he may have snapped a wishbone,” said personal trainer Corky Kellerheistermann. “We’re taking precautionary action just the same.”

Sources unfamiliar with these proceedings say he won’t be back in pads and skylights until Thanksgiving.

Meanwhile Wolfgang “Porky” Leviathan’s hamstring came back negative according to team physicians who say Leviathan will overnight at the Mao Clinic before undergoing stuffing surgery on Wednesday. Doctors there assured us that his sacroiliac would be as good as giblet gravy in a week or two.

“I’m not afraid to die,” said the three-time champion and bad boy goalie Leviathan. “I just hope my insurance covers the medical bills.”

-Suzie Compost

KNOT HOLE NEWS

PHOTOS BANNED IN WILDERNESS AREAS

(Lake City) The use of cameras or other mechanical machinery aimed at recording images will no longer be permitted in Wilderness Areas as of January according to a press release from the feds. Persons engaging in this illegal activity after the said date will be fined and prohibited from visiting these environs in the future.

“In regions where other machines are banned we have now caught up to ourselves,” said the memo. “Soon blenders, chain saws and generators will be taboo as well. Our goal is to rid the forests of people by next summer and cut down all the trees. Then we’ll be done with all this controversy once and for all.”

Shutterbugs from all across the West plan to block entrances to wilderness regions in an attempt to generate support for their hobby. They equate the ban to the helter-skelter of China’s Cultural Revolution that shadowed our own chaotic hippie era. The Geiger counter marches on.

“But the kind of alpha particle chaos detected by Hans William Geiger and his nuclear physicist  buddies in Germany in the 1920s is not what is relevant here,” said Doc “Trail” Kneewalker,  “We are talking about mindless restrictions and blockage of what most would agree is positive social behavior.”

However, Kneewalker agrees with experimental bans on selfies and what he calls the ignorant practice of snapping close-ups of predators. He equates stupidity to downed branches of ponderosa and aspen, desperate but inevitable.

“Taking a picture is not harmful in any way to the forests and/or their inhabitants,” said Nellie Nikon, heiress to the Studebaker fortune. “There’s no pollution, little noise and no impact on the earth. We just like to take pictures of mammals, birds and trees and flowers. We’re not bad people!”

The federal government, all wrapped up in another bells-and-mirrors presidential election has not had time to review the restrictive agenda. Multiple use advocates have already threatened a filibuster. Persons wishing to attend the proceedings should simply follow the brown forest service signs found all over the woods.

Department of Interior to start big fires

(Ouray) In a turnabout from an original plan to mechanically thin and burn about 10,000 acres near here, the USFS has decided simply to burn down 100% of the forests.

Operation No Trees-No Fires is already in place and a series of uncontrolled burns will start in mid-November.

Saying that the agency has finally found a way to silence all of the critics of our forest fire policies, a spokesman for the wardens of the woods called the plan foolproof.

Originally the USFS had charted specific problem areas for destruction with prime harvests going to lumber companies for a nominal fee. Then, after reconsidering the complaints of many citizens the agency decided to light a match.

“We expect the blaze to last 40 days and 40 nights leaving a heap of ashes that should mix well with the rocky soil,” said the source. “Then, after about five years we can begin growing cash crops like hemp where trees once stood.”

Radicals within the ranks say the initial plan called for the fires to be set during hunting season so as to send a message to the firearm lobby.

Biosphere III Filling Up

(Crested Butte) The massive glass dome built last month to accommodate  herd refugees is filling up fast with an abundance of applicants showing up in person, their meager belongings strapped to their backs. Deer and elk, even bear and lion, are all willing to live peacefully together at least until the end of hunting season.

According to the ground rules endangered species have first crack at the digs followed by political refugees from the Rocky Mountains. Later, if room permits people will be included on the roster.

“It’s a sort of Noah and the Ark deal here,” said Estelle Marmotbreath, from behind the scenes. “We probably need two of everything just in case the world ends over the next couple of months.”

This biosphere is the third of its kind. The first two were employed as test cases involving an incredible assortment of living items from centipedes to barrel cactus. The shells were then donated to the modular housing industry.

Plants and mammals wishing to hide out here should call their elected officials or the President at home.

-Fred Zeppelin

Colorado could be out of weather by 2028

(Mack) The state of Colorado may find itself without measurable weather in less than 10 years say television climatologists and high altitude meteorologists here in the shadows of the Beehive State.

The impending disaster, ignored by most workaday residents and the thinly insulated affluent, could be on us sooner if past indications interface well with mounds of weather data reaching back before your first tooth. Although no one really understands what it might be like without any weather. Scientists can manipulate data but there is no hinge here, no connection since nothing like this has ever been recorded.

Imagine a day without sun, rain, wind or cold. What would that be like? Would darkness and light be affected? Would plants grow? Would animals continue to exist? Would the earth’s population by cut in half?

Would monster storms and climate refugees cease to exist?

“We must act now if we hope to prevent a disaster,” said Mark Oak, a weatherman who watches the whole mess from his mountain retreat in Nepal. “It may already be too late but I am not one to sit around on my hands when my world is collapsing around me.”

Meteorologists across the country blame humans for these global atrocities.

“You can blame methane gas, consumerism, ignorance, tribalism, self-worship, and go on and on, tying up the package with a black ribbon if you like, but it won’t save us,” said Oak. The only thing to do now to preserve our way of life and protect our precious genes is to hitch a ride to Mars.”

Concerned and responsible residents are urged to collect and forcibly can and conserve  unattended weather in apprehension of the day when we will be without. Some home self-generating adjustment will help but the damage has been done. It’s just one way the earth is asking us to “please leave”.

-Tommy Middlefinger

Overheard in Union Hall, West Cork, Republic of Ireland, May, 2019

Diner: “I’ll have the two pork chops, the rashers, two Clonakilty sausages, and black pudding.

Waiter: Would you like some meat with that?

Peaky past and future forecast

One Hundred Years Ago: 1919

Marigold Compost wins a posthumous Whirlitzer for her cookbook Basil Recipes From the Abyss published just months before her son, Earl Compost, wandered off into the woods near Yellow Jacket in early 1920. Erotic Quechua-Hibernian pictographs found near the Tomb of the Eternal Inca. Veronica Haley born in Bay Ridge. Know Nothings presidential convention in Las Vegas cancelled after the majority of the delegates went to Reno by mistake. Prohibition heralds in the Gangster Era in counties wet and dry. Skeletal Whigs go under the hair dryer for the last time. White House liar’s bench erected on West Lawn. Former President William Howard Taft (weighing in at 350 pounds) pressures current President Woodrow Wilson to suspend habeas corpulence in honor of former President Grover Cleveland who weighed in at 300. Only 10 years after granting suffrage to women Wyoming accused of Mail Order Bride scandal. “The Briar Patch” opens to ravenous reviews on Broadway. Other popular plays include “A Fruitcake Named Desire”& “The Barber From Tashkent”

One Hundred Years Distant: 2119

Vodka nose first diagnosed in Greenland. Superstition, feudal states, and serfdom on the rise due to bad public health and education in the provinces. “Islands for the Poor” – a refuge for the misbegotten closed due to alleged money laundering on the beaches. Sleeper cells engage in bloodless revolution near Lower Insomnia. Bear Republic formally recognized by Cub Scouts. Many bruins flee restrictive fur laws. Subsidized honey blamed for market roller coaster. Colorado Marijuana Industry Finalizes Purchase of Wells Fargo, other banks. Last remnant of Syrian civilians relocated to Alabama. Agnostic missionaries feared lost in Uruguay.