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Hormone Spill Closes Stream of Consciousness

(Montrose) A massive hormone spill caused in part by concentrated high school graduation exercises has closed the Stream of Consciousness at least until next week. Civil engineers currently working around the clock to unclog and free up the waterway say they are making progress but the shear impact is tough to control.

     “We get one current going the right way and before we know it there’s another emotional outburst or pubescent rip tides and we’re back where we started,” said one worker on the site.

     The Army Corps of Engineers has considered calling in air strikes or dynamiting shallow areas but at present only shovels and one dredging machine are hard at it.

     “I don’t see why all these hormones are so active now,” said the worker. “Maybe it’s spring fever.”

     The State of Colorado was quick to reassure fishermen that the spill did not endanger fish and that the matter would be cleared up long before the Fourth of July Weekend.

     “We may have some sensitive fish,” said one DOW spokesperson, “but everything should be back to normal soon. “I myself have never seen a trout with acne.”