All Entries Tagged With: "High rollers meet to decide on earthly investment"

Eternity Inc.

Here we are in the heavenly boardroom of boardrooms, perched on a corporate cloud insulated by inhumane cubicles in the prestigious neighborhood near the Pearly gates. Sitting back in vests and cigars are Michael, Peter, Gabriel, Moses, Paul and Himself, the Creator and CEO. They have just concluded a final phase of a secret merger that would destroy the dominance of Lucifer International in the highly competitive, universal soul industry. Lucifer and his thugs could finally be brought to their knees if the spreadsheet was accurate. The time had come to streamline the operation here at Eternity Inc. and raise the funds necessary to deliver the deathblow.

Peter: Let’s just sell the Holy Roman Empire franchise we bought from that crooked Dutch pirate back in 1806. It must have some market value.

Gabriel: The numbers on that particular stock don’t add up to much.

Moses: Then I suggest we sell the Red Sea property and list the condos in Egypt and Jericho.

Peter: Our Joshua subsidiary won’t care for that. They’ll perceive it as a desertion, subject to a hostile takeover.

Moses: Joshua and his people can be replaced, Sir.

Michael: If we sell the Holy Roman Empire stock, the Red Sea land, the California Angels, the New Orleans Saints and the party box at South Bend we could pull this off.

Creator: Interesting. Good work, boys. But I have to tell you that for decades I have been considering the possibility of dropping the entire project.

Michael: Do you mean the entire human experiment?

Creator: I built the joint once. I can do it again and maybe the second time around with fewer botches and less conflict. There are plenty of stars out there and plenty of anxious species. Now, tell us again, Gabriel, what exactly do our numbers say?

Gabriel: They are far from conclusive. Production has been way down since the last audit. Nothing seems to help us lower operating costs while Lucifer chips away, gaining more and more of the soul pie. Natural resources on earth are dwindling, nuclear energy has arrived and yet all attempts to introduce new technology have been resisted at every turn by these pathetic creatures. Professionally speaking I would clearly suggest at least a sellout.

Creator: And what are the projections on potential buyers?

Michael: If I may interject GF, we have made every attempt from collective bargaining to fringe holidays but the humans won’t get on the straight and narrow for nothing. After over 2000 years in the saddle we are now at the point of diminished returns. Investment ratios are out the window. Anarchy looms. Sadly, I must agree with Gabriel.

Creator: If we dump the earthly portfolio how much are we talking about here?

Peter: We have 2.3 billion invested counting future escrow, low interest loans, salaries, pensions and benefits. The whole deal can’t be worth more than 5 or 6 in this sluggish market. That means we stand to make roughly 2.5 billion and gain temporary operating capital of 2 billion.

Creator: And that’s enough to close the door on Lucifer?

Peter: By about $300,000, Sir, if non-monetary factors remain stable. We could probably borrow money from the Vatican. They still have gold from the Spanish mining incursions in Peru and Mexico in the 17th Century.

Creator: Maybe the American Pope can be persuaded to open the vault. Well, I’ve got a 10:30 tee time. I’d like you to conclude this matter this morning. Any final thoughts, Paul?

Paul: I feel our best margin is in the franchise market. I’d like to sit on it for a few decades…but the thought of crippling Lucifer? That is tempting beyond words.

Michael: Let’s not forget that we have an emotional attachment to earth. We all love weekends in Dublin or lunch with the Archbishop of Canterbury. What about the ski trips to Park City and football in the Bible belt? That said, if we sell we need tyo act quickly. No sense alerting brokers over at Lucifer.

Creator: Moses?

Moses:  I hate to be negative but I’ve been watching the place deteriorate since they built the Great Pyramids. Lucifer keeps gaining souls with the same old tired message we had 4000 years ago. If we keep it we have to revamp it. If we can’t afford to do that much then we have to let it go.

Creator: I trust your judgment boys and I’m behind the eight ball with the carpeting of Purgatory and painting those Elysian Fields. Money is tight.

Moses: Then let’s sell it to one Philistine or another. The decision has been made for us.

(Peter, Gabriel, Paul and Michael seem to concur.)

Paul: They had their chance down there on earth. Instead of relishing the paradise before them they worry about what comes after. They have missed the ferry over the River Styx.

Creator: I guess that about wraps things up. We dump it. There are plenty of lost souls that will thank us later…Now where did I leave my pitching wedge?

– Melvin Toole, Vicar, Oracle of the Blinding Light