All Entries Tagged With: "Gunnison"
Martian Web Site Detected
(Colona) Two internet surfers appear to have stumbled across the most magnificent discovery since Lief Erickson sailed into Newfoundland in 1340. Unlike the renown Viking they did it from a home computer.
Perhaps the most thrilling kicker is that they have had mounds of correspondence from their extraterrestrial counterparts, two young hackers from the Noonday Gulf on the Red Planet of Mars. Although at first the language barrier was formidable, after a little code work and sound wave application both sides began to communicate quite readily.
“What a shock to find a Martian website,” said one of the lads, whose names were not released until further investigation could be completed. “This certainly throws a bit of light on the question of other beings living in our solar system. What’s really funny is that our new friends still use dial-up to access their email.”
The Martians say their entire culture lives miles above and below the planet that has been determined to be quite inhospitable due to extreme temperatures and the presence of red dust all over everything. When contacted leading sources at NASA and the FAA agreed that the assumption is ridiculous and that any number of scenarios could explain the exchange.
“It’s about as silly as the Man in the Moon theory,” said one NASA official.
Meanwhile sources within the Caligula* Administration denied validity regarding the findings due to accepted Creationist theories and “because, to quote a high ranking aide, “we believe the world to be flat.”
Rogue scientists attempting to make contact with other beings in the Universe say the vocal patterns and data shared indicate that the sources are indeed extraterrestrial.
“We have yet to hear anything like this,” stressed one free-lance space ship chaser from New Mexico. “even in the movies. If true, the ramifications of this encounter will immediately change the world as we know it.”
Government officials who hope to determine if the communication is real or if it’s a hoax have taken the two boys into protective custody. Intergalactic enthusiasts interested in checking out the site can go to www.mars.org or wait to be contacted telepathically. Be advised that doing so may violate recent federal bans on communication with persons from outer space. If you plan to travel to Mars please refer to www.statedepartment.us/travel in foreign countries for an update on safety and political climate.
*As called in the New York Times
CLUB DE FORMAS DE ENTUSIASISTAS
(Gunnison) Los entusiastas de los autobuses locales han organizado el primer club de autobuses de la nación aquí, según un comunicado de prensa recibido esta mañana. El club, fundado para la promoción y preservación de la cultura relacionada con los autobuses, intentará educar al público mientras combate las dudas comunes sobre este tipo de viajes.
Además, el club se encargará de registrar la jerga de los autobuses y la crónica de la historia de los autobuses en la región de Western Slope. Presentaciones de diapositivas sobre la tecnología más reciente y sugerencias para hacer giros a la izquierda se presentarán cada viernes por la noche en las ruinas históricas del Hotel LaVeta en South Boulevard Street.
“Haremos excursiones a los campos locales y nos encontraremos con el autobús cuando llegue en su caminata diaria desde Pueblo y puntos más allá”, dijo Ralph Cramdenot de Almont. “¿Por qué el otro día tuvimos un autobús justo aquí en Gunnison que vino desde Kansas City. Pequeño mundo, ¿eh?”
Los miembros sienten que el público obtendrá nuevas perspectivas en el viaje en autobús a través de los esfuerzos descritos aquí.
“Con el Congreso arrastrándose en la aprobación de los proyectos de ley de la gasolina, pronto todos podríamos viajar en el autobús”, sonrió Cramdenot, “Estamos aquí para educar. No hay nada peor que un novato sosteniendo la línea buscando un cambio o haciendo preguntas estúpidas al conductor “.
– Paula Parvenue
Black Powder Days Slated for November
(Crested Butte) Licensed hunters can once again shoot deer or elk from the ski lifts during Black Powder Days, November 3 – 6. The annual celebration, controversial since its inception in 2013, is expected to draw more than 500 sharpshooters eyeballing some 200 special licenses to a late October draw.
Local hunters will be given priority when signup begins. Times are to be chosen at random and depend on snow depths and migratory patterns. Most veterans of the extreme sport agree that early morning and dusk are the most advantageous times to hunt and add that bonus reconnaissance lift ride offers a slew of benefits to the seasoned as well as the novice shooter.
The ski area, owned by Vail, says it can easily accommodate 1000 hunters but that limits are in place to keep the event small and homey. Sources on the I-70 Corridor confirmed plans to add “an assortment” of entertaining sidelines along with the traditional ski experience.
“We must be ready to pounce on any opportunities to expand our shrinking custom base,” said a Vail source. “We could never pull this off at Vail since we are in close proximity to the liberals on the Confront Range whereas Gunnison County is full of hicks who like this kind of thing. They even have a rodeo every summer.”
A spokesman for the Colorado Division of Wildlife denied any knowledge of Black Powder Days contending that Vail or any other ski concern does not receive privileges not extended to every citizen of the state.
“We don’t know anything about DOW bigwigs skiing for free either,” said the source.
– Filly Buster
Montrose Man Talks to Potatoes
(Spring Creek UPS) Melvin R. Toole hasn’t been the same since the Spanish American War. Having been wounded and separated by his regiment at San Juan Hill, he claims to have survived three months in the jungle on a crop of rogue Irish potatoes.
“I don’t know who planted the spuds but I’d sure like to thank them,” said Toole, who withstood the ordeal as a young man of 17. “He has visited Ireland and Peru (where potatoes were first established as a crop) in search of answers.
“People just stare at me,” he whined.
Today the veteran is satisfied carrying on extended conversations with local spuds.
“I can’t really call them dialogues,” said Toole. “but one never knows what’s around the next corner. I just want to find someone to thank and all eyes are on me.”
– Princess Irm Peawit
“News of a runaway sent them (The Patrol) into cheerful activity. They raided the plantations after their quarry, interrogating a host of quivering darkies. Freemen knew what was coming and hid their valuables and moaned when white men smashed their furniture and glass.”
– from The Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead”
MANY CHEFS UNCERTIFIED
(Crested Butte) Residents and visitors alike were shocked by news that many of the region’s chefs are not certified. The status, which could severely impair future culinary endeavors, is particularly acute in ski towns say experts.
This problem is often exacerbated by the need to staff seasonal kitchens. Although this position rarely affects food quality or creativity, it seriously limits the structural implications of the pecking order and could lead to a breakdown of the industry as a whole.
The cost of certification is $350 per year ($400 with Wyoming and Utah included). The complete course can be digested by email and the final testing concluded in two hours on any number of Saturday morning sessions offered by the licensing agency. Interested parties are instructed to send the money before the end of the year to insure uninterrupted production. There is a slight discount for groups of over 3.
Successful applicants will note the mandatory eight hours working on the line in a bad restaurant has been waved as of October, 2019. Instead each newly honored chef will prepare school lunches and exchange recipes with teachers after class.
“We’d like to see some of our younger chefs take advantage of the blanket amnesty and upgrade before deadlines imposed by cooking magazines and food purveyors,” said sources within the Colorado Health Department and the FBI.
“We realize that there will always be chefs out there that want to buck the system but we firmly believe that without perimeters and guidelines the whole profession could turn into one big anarchy pie.
“They are always looking for good cooks in jail,” said the enforcing parties.
– Wolfgang Putz
Grandmother grandfathered says coucil
“I hauled these marmots in here!”
Grandma Wishbonze will be allowed to keep her geraniums after a council ruling. (Police file photo)
A 96-year-old great grandmother has won a battle against city hall today after a lengthy struggle. The issue was her geraniums and the odor common to the floral specimens.
“My flowers ain’t hurtin’ anyone,” said Myrna Wishbonze, a former defendant turned victorious.
“The whole neighborhood still stinks of these cranesbills, said Owen W. Sieve, Executive director of the Happy Hills Homeowners Association. We could hardly smell our steaks cooking on the grill anymore. The woman has to be controlled.
Local authorities thought better and it was decided that the flowers remain since they were rooted here first and that the homeowners should pursue other agenda items “avoiding the petty and concentrating on community.”
Grandma Wishbonze “has been singled out for harassment by a group of tired old farts with nothing else to do but upset the donkey cart” said a memo from the mayor’s office. “Enough is enough. We must preserve the right to play outside the box. Down with cultural homogenization! Long live the eccentric!”
“Some people just seem to enjoy these petty little confrontations while half the planet is out looking for something to eat,” said Sasha Remakee, a former botanical activist who was elected to the local council on the Red Petal Ticket in November.
Remakee is best known for her investigative roll and butter routine that shined light on tofu gravy shortcuts, ersatz coffee and pancakes filled with hot air down at Red’s (Cafe) near Wimpton Nuclear Plant.
“It was that second-shift lunch special that got her elected in the first place,” sobbed Sieve.
Later she stunned followers by backpedaling on claims that she her mother had been a decorated, tone-deaf fighter pilot in World War I. (A claim she later reclaimed).
Then, according to a re-print of an article from Caucasian Nation, Remakee shocked a died-in-the-wool contingent of Mayflower devotees reminding them that many Blacks and Latinos can claim an American heritage that began painfully before the Pilgrims dropped anchor.
Meanwhile Grandma Wishbonze is tickled that she can keep her flowers. I have names for reach and every one of them,” she whispered, “although they don’t always respond to my syllabic pruning.”
A retired physical education teacher (Pea Green Academy), Wishbonze penned over 400 articles on Body Chemistry and Water Law from her Orchestral Home before the flooding in West Paradox in the early 80s. In addition she functioned as president of the Good Grammar Pioneers on Wong Mesa. In 2008 she was officially proclaimed grandmother of everyone in Shavano Valley and interested families living east of the The West Canal.
“Hell, I hauled these marmots in here.” she teased, “right after Uncle Dave hauled in the San Juans.” alluding to some great-relative or another.
– Dusty Pearl
