All Entries Tagged With: "funny menu"
Former newspaper joins gov’ment in printing funny money
(Colona) They’ve fired up the web press over at the abandoned depot here churning out the fourth lot of US currency backed by nothing more than hopes and good wishes.
Adorned and enhanced by the alphabetical portraits of obscure US Presidents the bills look the same as official tender but without religious references or pyramids. John Adams, cousin Quincy, Chester A. Arthur and James Buchanan highlight the first four runs and they’re reportedly gearing up for the two Bushes, Jimmy Carter and Grover Cleveland tonight.
“We’ll see this through Washington and Wilson if need be,” promised an unidentified pressman. “Already we have numismatics banging on the door looking for tokens. Some say they are waiting for the Millard Fillmore or Martin Van Buren bill to be released. They say dollars embellished with the faces of these ambiguous souls will be worth more than their denominations in no time at all.”
This rogue production has been funded and piloted by the San Juan Horseshoe since May without federal sanction or endorsement of any kind. The currency, limited to 20s and 50s has been circulated in needy sectors where front-line workers live. Calling the money counterfeit local treasury officials pledged to “come down hard” on the printing operation.
The Horseshoe was published for 43 years as a newspaper and has now morphed into a slick website: sanjuanhorseshoe.com. The editors say they have grown tired of pledges from the Treasury Department that the irresponsible printing of currency would terminate just as soon as the economy returns to normal.
“How long has the US dollar been off the gold standard or even the silver standard?” asked one master printer. “All we’re trying to do is funnel the money into the right hands. We all saw where many of the PPP and SBA loans ended up.
“The problem is that they have the entire plant camouflaged to look like an old school house,” said one mint enthusiast. “We have narrowed it down to one of five existing structures. Now all we have to do is look for ink marks and listen to the soothing sounds of a sheet-fed press in action.”
The Great Communicator draws a mustache on a Rutherford B Hayes portrait while his loving wife, Nancy looks on approvingly
The illegal printing of unsecured currency takes place after dark and the new money is moved from place to place in small batches in private vehicles. Most remains in the state but the crisp new bills have been spotted as far away as Moline.
“They’re just doing the same thing as the feds,” said Lacey Gutenberg, an attorney for the precise engravers who plan to release coinage into the uncertain atmosphere as a protest against flimsy legal tender. “The feds print play money and so do my clients.”
Currently clandestine collaborators are searching for a complimentary Ronald Reagan portrait to use on an organic, commemorative $100 that is wholly edible and easily converted into a life preserver in the event of a crash.
-Tommy Middelfinger
Zombie Banking Enjoys Day in the Sun
Zombie banking appears to be at its pinnacle after disclosures that some 1.4 billion dollars has been sent to the dead as part of an Coronavirus economic stimulus.
Whether surviving recipients of the misguided checks will have to pay back the money was not clear although Treasury Department sources insisted that recently reported numbers are askew and that only around 2 billion was forwarded in appropriately.
“We sent out billions and they are making a stink about a few humanitarian windfalls that went to the dear and departed,” cried one accountant who said he was out smoking a cigar when the final figures were tabulated.
Other payouts have reached those who are still alive for now but are taking few precautions in the face of a pandemic. Federal spokespeople would not comment when asked if the whole charade was dependent on a continued death chant.
“Our worse case scenario is that a countryman receives a check then drops dead before he can cash it,” said a top-level treasury official.
Critics of the mass payout say the government has no right to print hoards of money and distribute it in such a haphazard manner.
And some say voting by mail would lead to disaster.
– Small Mouth Bess
Sneffels niega rumores comerciales
(East Dallas) Mount Sneffels negó hoy vehementemente los rumores comerciales que bombardean el país. La charla se ha elevado a altos niveles de decibelios desde el Día de los Caídos, lo que sugiere que el triunfador histórico desaparecerá en otoño.
Los escenarios vuelan como un cuervo incontinente en una cita a ciegas con un contenedor de basura. Lo más probable, dicen los de adentro, Sneffels será cambiado por una cresta de montañas más jóvenes de West Elks o Maroon Bells. Las especulaciones anteriores que conectan el pico de 14.150 pies con rangos menores, como LaSals (en Utah) o Sangre de Cristos, han sido hundidas incluso por bloggers comunes. Algunos apuestan a que la montaña terminará fuera del estado, mientras que otros dicen que una transacción internacional está en el horizonte. De cualquier manera, un vacío parece aparente.
Sneffels, según los agentes, ha caído en desgracia con los sanjuaninos que podrían estar buscando abrazar un contingente juvenil de roca. El año pasado, varios picos vecinos se quejaron de que la montaña, a menudo decorada, se derrumbó en una situación difícil e hizo poco o nada para acomodar la vida silvestre o alentar el deshielo. Los tacleos perdidos, las malas elecciones de tiro, acampar en el área de penalización y la incapacidad de quedarse sin pelotas han creado un clima de desconfianza, incluso resentimiento a niveles alpinos.
“La reconstrucción siempre ha sido un momento difícil para las cadenas montañosas”, dijo Zach Goldman, agente de la montaña. “A veces, los viejos amigos son barridos bajo la alfombra alpina y se produce una especie de progreso que hace difícil distinguir el bosque de los árboles. Todo comenzó con arbitraje y cláusulas de no comercio en los años 70 “.
Aunque Sneffels no está considerando retirarse, los socios cercanos dicen que la montaña podría aceptar un rol menor en el que no se presenta para los primeros ejercicios o para jugar todos los días una vez que la temporada ha comenzado.
El arreglo más probable es que Sneffels se sienta fuera del invierno y siga adelante en la primavera. El destino más probable: el Himalaya nepalés. Se han discutido los intercambios que involucran el pico Naya Kanga de los Tigres Langtang o posiblemente los gigantes del sujetalibros, los picos Chulu desde más allá en el Rango Annapurna. Kanga trae energía de ambos lados del campo, mientras que los niños Chulu ofrecen velocidad y poder de permanencia a más de 6000 metros.
“Sneffels vale más que otra serie de domos de inmigrantes”, dijo Guy Guy, ex entrenador de los Fossil Ridge Rangers, una masa elevada de ligas menores. “Muchas de estas montañas extranjeras son demasiado sensibles a los elementos. Son volcanes listos para explotar a la menor provocación ”, dijo.
“Una pequeña sacudida es lo que necesitamos en los San Juanes, contrarrestaron un pico de Uncompahgre de alto nivel, que ha dominado Sneffels durante siglos. “Estas montañas se están volviendo demasiado cómodas con la disposición actual. Tal vez es hora de que Sneffels se arrodille. La última vez que la vimos prosperar en el juego de poder fue hace 15,000 años. Sin velocidad de murciélago. ¡Cinco faltas y estás fuera! El viejo pretexto “que viene” a la montaña cuando viene “no funciona en estos tiempos Cenozoicos”.
Uncompahgre dice que la limpieza de una casa de gran altura está en orden.
“Soy el perro grande de la ciudad”, continuó. “Y tampoco me refiero solo a la elevación. Solo hay suficiente espacio en este rango para uno de nosotros “.
A medida que la saga se apaga para la temporada baja, queda la pregunta de cómo la litosfera podría realinearse con estas derivas o intercambios continentales que se avecinan. Sneffels ha seguido revolcándose en la negación, adoptando un comportamiento de mala cara, sin comentarios, mientras los analistas miden los puntos críticos sísmicos, buscando señales de la falla más pequeña en el exterior estoico de la montaña.
– Boca Pequeña Bess
LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE
(Colona) The United States Forest Service has issued a warning to all humans using the public lands: Leave new wildlife alone! Cubs, fawns, chicks and other infant mammals, not mobile enough to travel with their mother while she hunts for food, are often left behind in a safe place. If left undisturbed, the babies will be rejoined by parents and nurtured till dawn’s early light.
Interruptions on the part of nosy humans create big problems according to the Colorado Division of Wildlife.
“Predators do their dirty work to be sure,” said Jack Spratt of the DOW. “That’s part of nature. It’s when these do-gooders and technological throwbacks get involved that we have real problems.”
Spratt says people should follow common sense rules and leave the babies alone.
“How would human parents feel if resident deer and/or chipmunks on vacation monkeyed with their infants when they stepped out for a breath of fresh air or to hit the can?” he stressed. “They wouldn’t like it.”
The proper response is always to avoid interrupting the natural relationship between animal families. If someone discovers a potential orphan he should leave it be at least until the DOW has had time to contact the parent. In addition, it is highly illegal to adopt a fawn or cub. At present there are over 2000 inmates doing hard time in Colorado prisons for these infractions.
“This doesn’t mean people can’t squash flies and mosquitoes no matter what their age,” said Spratt. “They are considered pests and have little use except to enterprising spiders and hungry bats.”
Another bugaboo is dogs and cats. These natural predators see young wildlife as dinner. It’s up to the owner to monitor pet behavior and thus protect infant deer or rodents from these often sporting carnivores. Training or restraining canines and placing a bell on the collar of prowling, domestic panthers is not likely to achieve this balance.
“The ending to the story can be happy or sad depending on the human factor,” said publisher Kashmir Horseshoe, adding that in over 43 years, this was the first functional USFS press release received by his periodical.
In a related story, the feds denied reports that dropping 4500 new porta-johns in National Forests throughout the West would disturb the wildlife there. The pooper shacks are deemed necessary where people are charged camping fees or admission. Insisting that the potties are placed in areas already contaminated by human smells, the feds’ software insists that animals don’t venture into these environs anyway.
In a further release from combined federal agencies it is apparent that the potties are a definite go. These custodians of the forest are the same ones responsible for erecting over 14 million brown and white signs on public lands from Medellin Falls to Bisbee since Teddy Roosevelt’s day. Critics say the feds might have limited the number of signs to about 20 and thus preserving the natural ambience of the forest.
-H.L.Menoken
Meghan’s Crawfish Etouffee
“I don’t know what kings eat but I bet they eat this”
Fictitious writers get death threats at ‘Shoe
Police report no breakthrough on who or whom is sending multiple death threats to an assortment of nom de plumes at the San Juan Horseshoe publishing company in Mañana Vieja. The alleged felony menacing and substantiated barrage of negative mail has everyone on edge, especially the paper’s impressive roster of imaginary writers and contributors.
Despite written and recorded threats referencing violence “in close proximity to the well being of an assortment of nom de plumes*” (nom de guerre in the proper sense) the authorities can do nothing.
“We don’t have a body. We don’t have fingerprints or DNA. We don’t have a bio or a mug shot of the victim or even evidence of a motive,” said Sheriff George Fitzboodle.”Without corpus delicti, habeas corpus or maybe that quid pro quo we are helpless to act.”
Fitzboodle added that his team was monitoring the situation and had reached out to the imagined yet shaken journalists. He then called the San Juan Horseshoe “a living tribute to literary schizophrenia” before presenting the men’s room key to Horseshoe principles in attendance during the formal complaints.
“Right now we just have to wait and see how this develops,” the officer explained. “We can’t put them into any protection program because they don’t really exist, now do they?”
Several editors have been detained over the years for harboring imaginary friends. One says:
“Consider, for just a moment, the expense keeping living-breathing scribes in alcohol. It’s not gonna happen,” said one under editor. “On the other hand we must be able to protect our pen names, our ghost writers and our loyal opinion page warriors or what’s the point of selling real estate and funeral parlor ads at all?” he choked up.
Fitzboodle went on to conclude that the publisher couldn’t afford a real staff to engage in inter-office fashion shows and mope around all week waiting for fresh paychecks.
“So we’re firing everyone,” he smiled, “except our nom de plumes. “If I had a platoon of these fictitious writers I could retake the Panama Canal!”
In a related development police intercepted a play action kidnapping earlier today whereupon three awkward nom de plumes were allegedly pushed into a white utility van and sped off into the mountains. When the cops caught up to the two kidnapping suspects they were sitting there alone and breaking no laws.
This episode led to the police asking the obvious question: How could one be held for ransom if he/she isn’t really there? The investigating officer wrote a citation to the driver of the van for a low left front tire and then went for coffee.
These nom de plums have made their share of enemies over the years with many former co-workers coming out of the woodwork to jab at them and put them down as sanctimonious parasites.
“Many of them are odd, ego-testical grumps who spend contiguous Saturday nights behind a keyboard and a bottle,” said Old Man Pritchard, a former sports writer who lost his column to a pen name in 1987. “And that’s just the women.”
“These are not real people even if they think they are living, breathing specimens of fine regard,” he spat. “Most can’t spell worth a damn either and would have been long gone if they didn’t always bring donuts to work in the morning.”
MANY OF OUR READERS
have written in asking for clarity on several terms associated with the nom de plume. Yes, alias is one of the most popular substitutes, though incorrectly used most of the time. It implies that someone has a less than stunning past or that something shady is about to go on.
However: With an alias you can open a bank account in this name so long as a Tax ID or SS # associated with the account.
Another woman asked about the use of stage names that do little to hide identity, gender or race once the curtain falls.
“Thinly veiled threats, disguised as a difference of opinion or a plea for funds are off the table these days,” quipped Dr. George Eliot, a psych-social worker from Mark Twain – Lorenzo Da Ponte School for the Criminally Insignificant. The if you know what’s good for you card has been thrown from the deck. This kind of crude intimidation is seriously akin to beating up on Elmer Fudd, an avowed hate crime.
*a pseudonym or assumed name located somewhere between no-matter and nomadic in The Queen’s Dictionary of Remote Vegetable Names and Counter Mold
HERE IS OUR LIST
of famous authors and their pen names. Can you connect the right author with the right nom de plume? You will notice the number associated with each group is ten, which translates into a nine-person keystone line-up card with a designated hitter in the wings.
Authors: Cecil Day-Lewis, Brian O’Nolan, Chloe Ardelic Wofford, Harold Rubins, Irwin Shamforoff, Dean Koontz, Charles Lutwidge Dodgson, CS Lewis, William Sydney Porter, Mitt Romney
Nom de Plumes: Toni Morrison, Harold Robbins, Leigh Nichols, Lewis Carroll, NW Clerk, Pierre Delecto, O. Henry, Nicolas Blake, Flan O’Brien, Irwin Shaw
Bonus Question: What was Voltaire’s nickname in third grade?
For a related story…
Horseshoe Slaps Franchise Tags on top “pretend” writers
Melvin Toole, Uncle Pahgre, Fred Zeppelin, Susie Compost, Tommy Middlefinger, Pepper Salt, Small Mouth Bess, Rocky Flats and Gabby Haze agreed to No-Trade contracts today while sensitive terms such as POX News, the Elves Club, Region Zen, Mañana, Confront Range, Refried News and Pea Green Symphony Orchestra will continue to be stored deep beneath the vaults at Cheyenne Mountain until logic and empathy dominate gov’ment policy.
-Kashmir Horseshoe