All Entries Tagged With: "funny menu"
COLORADO UNMASKED
Baked News – America on the Boil
Our beloved president has quashed his previous politicization of medical masks saying all Americans should now wear masks in public and that the virus will get worse before it gets better. That’s quite a shift from the bean salesman. But while many of us wait in apprehension for further management of the crisis one local ophthalmologist seeks to clear the air.
“Nobody told you to wear a blindfold. Blinders are never a substitute for medical masks” says Dr. Constance Junctivitus. “Just open your eyes and the black and white evaporates and it all fades to gray. Distractions and the power grab are in fourth gear.”
Meanwhile a severe brain drain is on the horizon as the US falls further into a dark culture where corruption dictates and justice weeps. Academic pursuits are flimsy and plastic in most cases and demeaned in the intellectually challenged circles. According to palpable statistics many intellectuals, teachers and journalists, targeted as the enemy of the people, have reportedly entertained the possibility of leaving the country or even the planet.
“Good,” say an assortment of frightened, pseudo-spiritual, xenophobic, sound-byte recipients, who are transforming our nation into a safe landing for ignorance. They are happily waltzing down the autocratic path, turning any hope of peace and justice into a travesty with assault weapons, manufactured freedom and swastikas.
“The crisis is only exacerbated by the Coronavirus, continued Junctivitus. “While the worship of ignorance is the culprit it spreads fear, circulating hate as an airborne pollutant. A person doesn’t need bifocals to see what’s going on around us.”
-Kashmir Horseshoe
Free Pot May Supplement Sociable Security
(Old Maid Mine) Legislators meeting here in closed door sessions this month have drafted a plan that would offer free marijuana to retirees living in Ouray County. The complementary herb would be given to anyone currently entitled to Social Security benefits.
Over the past decade the number of those qualifying for economic guarantees has skyrocketed leaving coffers alarmingly low on funds and prompting officials to seek other means to placate the aging population. Although marijuana is technically illegal in many other locales, law makers here appear convinced that pettiness and blind-eye legality are the least of their concerns.
“We just pass a law or two that allows anyone over 65 or so immunity from prosecution, “said one legislator who demanded animosity. “Cultivating this cash crop will not only help make the golden years more enjoyable but will provide agricultural jobs for the landed peasantry and allow us expanded means of keeping our books in the black.”
According to the hastily formatted blueprint people who qualify for benefits at 62 will receive lower grade marijuana than those who opt to wait until they are 66 to collect the stipend. Those waiting longer will reap larger harvests of locally grown kind bud.
“We hope that this will encourage recipients to wait just a little bit longer to begin collecting. Who knows? The entire program could then be expanded to include all citizens where the herb could be taxed and the profits, after administrative costs of course, could be pumped back into the system thus rescuing our sacred institutions from bankruptcy.”
“One of our more progressive congressmen is set to sponsor a bill just as soon as the opinion polls have come in,” said one proponent of the action. “We expect the response in the House to be favorable and later much the same in the Senate when elected officials have ample time to consider the pros and cons of the measure.”
Most state officials, meanwhile, say privately that any bill to legalize marijuana will pass easily and balance the books over at the Sociable Security Administration.
“Fiscal priorities have always taken precedence over perceived morality,” said the legislator, “at least that’s how it’s been going in this country since 1782.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Reporter’s Briefing in Purgatory Alarms Ecclesiastics
Melvin O’Toole’s brief sojourn to Purgatory, (not to be confused with Paraguay) was not planned. Like a lot of other metaphysical marvels it kind of just kinda fell out of the sky, or at least he did.
The mysterious and proverbial holding tank, reputedly a place that accommodates souls not exactly eligible for heaven but not quite damned to hell, does not accept drop-ins and has no patience for the growing number of lost spirits seeking reconciliation before moving on to a more stable eternity.
“When Toole popped in we were engaged in a game of darts and we needed a target,” said a longtime gatekeeper in the misty fog that covers the impenetrable lakes and marshes doubling as access paths and roadways in or out of the intermediate state of existence.
“He was perfect in that he was round, moved slowly and didn’t seem to mind the darts bouncing off him,” said the gatekeeper. “He probably thought it was part of the purification process or the cleansing before he moved on.”
During the entire outing O’Toole kept his eyes open and his mouth shut. Somewhat hesitant to describe his experience upon return, he focused on visible impacts such as the countless car washes that pepper the spotless landscape.
“I was held in the reception area for over two hours while they decided what to two with me,” O’Toole said. “It looked like a corporate-induced buffet breakfast nook at a generic interstate motel where everyone grabs and chows down on USDA recommended chemicals for the day. No personality whatsoever. No one talks to each other.”
Since I was flying standby I did not even receive a welcome kit. The attendants laughed when I politely asked: “Where to next? I have a voucher from one of the airlines that lists my final destination as heaven”
In a related piece aliens from thirteen different celestial bodies and six galaxies have asked that earthlings stay where they are until they resolve glaring inadequacies that threaten to destroy their social experiments once and for all.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
Senator Backpedals on Tattoo Cure
(Washington) Senator Paula Parvenu is in full denial this morning after seemingly compromising herself over claims that tattoos could cure Coronavirus-19.
“I never said that, said Parenu. It’s fake news.”
Clinging to her renunciation even after her original statement was blasted all over the media just two days ago, the senator said the TV footage and taped recordings were the work of anarchists who hate America.”
“How could tattoos heal anything?” she smiled. “I don’t have a one and I am healthy.”
On Saturday the US Department of Health dismissed claims that tattoos might be effective in combating some viruses as idle chatter with no bearing on reality. Leading tattooists concur, adding that the younger age of the average tattoo enthusiast is definitely in their favor.
Many within Parvenu’s constituency are familiar with brain gas and intellect explosions common to her shaky tenure. They see the current bedlam as just another hoax like the GOP tax cuts and Donald Trump’s spiritual commitment.
-Fred Zeppelin
County Could See Solar Cows by 2025
(Ridgway) If genetic research stays on track local solar-operated cattle could grace local pastures by spring. Already progress has been swift in the area of bovine support systems and fuel additives aimed at changing the way the animals get their nourishment.
For centuries domestic cows have been fed on grasses and other roughage with predictable results on the methane gas end. There is also the rising cost of suitable fuel and the constant clean-up effort. With the application of solar principles the tedious chores of feeding and irrigation will end, the entire operation run by one person from his laptop.
“Some old-timers are resistant to these genetically altered improvements,” said Dr Alice Phallfa, of Sunnyside Slope Extension Service. “But they had better get out the way. Science marches on, even in the hay fields and barnyards of jerkwater America.”
Phallfa says the concept is solid and that cows can run on power generated by the sun for up to 15 hours per day. In addition they do not wander far from pasture batteries and elaborate systems of fence are no longer necessary.
“The quality of dairy products and beef does not suffer in the solar test breeds either,” she continued. “In fact many people prefer solar produced milk and cheeses. We hope to expand this breakthrough to include goats and sheep too.”
Phallfa refused to comment when asked about the controversial Morning After Mad Cow Pill which is already in circulation in places like Asia, Africa, Europe, South America, Mexico and Canada.
“We’d like to thank the San Juan Horseshoe for the extensive coverage of a subject that other periodicals are afraid to undress,” she skirted. “Without courageous journalists like this we’d be back in the stoned age.”
In a related update it appears that the Ridgway Farmer’s Market has beat the white slavery rap that has hounded that agricultural contingent for the past months.
“We do not and have never sold farmers at any of our produce affairs,” said a spokesperson. “We do not condone human bondage, unless of course it is within the privacy of the home and with adult consent, and have never suggested it as a viable alternative to free range eggs or organic lettuce.”
Off the record the spokesman admitted that white slavery might be lucrative, especially during the winter months but that the population no longer seems interested in buying farmers anymore what with the new City Market and all the wonderful fast food outlets only a short drive away in Montrose.
It was not clear if any of this indicates a general economic slowdown across the nation or if humans would survive another decade eating out of cans.
– Melvin O’Toole
Melvin O’Toole has published over 10,000 articles on hermetically altered foods. He won a Pulitzer Prize in 1995 for word length in his literary contribution Them Beets Are After Me, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.
