All Entries Tagged With: "food"
Carbon Footprints Suggest Homeless Had No Shoes in 5000 BC
(Sandlfoote, CO) Impressions of what appear to be post-Neanderthal feet have led scientists here to believe that early Homo Sapiens too were hard-pressed securing food, surviving freezing caves and avoiding predators to worry much about their .
“Actually we have yet to determine exactly who was homeless and who was simply en route or wandering around looking for dinner,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, Fellow at Cal Polygamy. “Maybe shoes had not been invented yet which would certainly throw off our DNA test cases. Animal skins that work well to cover the legs and torso are of little use on the feet since they are clumsy and offer little shelf life do to harsh planetary surfaces,” he explained. “And what about the proverbial gatherers?”
The footprint samples collected, stretching from Finland to Gibraltar, number in the thousands and scientists are scurrying to chronicle movements and label superstitions in an attempt to provide this meaningless information to progressive cobblers and generations to come.
Many eons later the only group to possess shoes appears to be churchmen of the day. The shoes were an integral part in their wading through the multitude of holidays that they subsequently stole from the pagans, tweaked a bit, and established as the Christian holidays we know today. Then came the Dark Ages with the loss of freedom and the embrace of the inherent goodness of man.
“They even stole ancient gods and goddesses and changed them into their formula saints and the like,” said Pennywhistle. This was expedient and often much cheaper than establishing new religious icons of their own.”
Whether these “early junior executives” of the Vatican Corporation had shoes is as yet inconclusive.”
-Alfalfa Romero
“When the tree falls the monkeys will scatter.“ – Chinese saying from House of Xiao, 1816. Metaphorically referring to institutions, families, governments, good and bad.
THE SLOPE DOPE
By Estelle Marmotbreath
“If bingo required any reading comprehension
I would be home on Tuesday nights too.”
“It’s my party and I’ll lie if I want to.” Lauren Boebert tracking indicates that cooler heads have prevailed within the sinking GOP bass boat here in the Rockies. A plot to remove her is already emerging: A serious looking blueprint rolled around three Havana cigars was found under a fermenting mulberry tree in western Garfield County detailing the planned coup. It does not give a date. Detractors say she sleeps with her pistol and they must take care to act only when she is awake.
****
Cranberry Saucers held in contempt in a well-documented turkey caper are expected to be indicted tomorrow unless it snows. They are accused of detaining over 400 turkeys in November and December in hopes of selling them on an already overstuffed black market. Other counts against the saucers include littering, overcooking and betrayal of a person of trust.
****
Local taxpayers are warned that chain tax preparation jobs are now often outsourced to India and the Philippines. If one brings his forms and receipts to what CPAs call “television tax preparers” there is a good chance the final return will have been prepared overseas. Although the forms are completed in English it is often difficult to ask questions and the payment up front policies are unnerving. Audits are a nightmare in that preparers in Asia are not likely to respond to IRS queries.
“Most of the time the IRS is in such a hurry to cash your check that it rarely examines returns anyway,” said a spokesman for One, Two Three Four – Buckle My Shoe Tax Agencies.
****
Need help paying your liquor bill during the pandemic? Call us. We can help.
“Marjorie Taylor Greene, who shouldn’t even be on the snack committee for the local peewee soccer league.” – Arizona Central
Brunot Agreement Rescinded
After almost 150 years of courting appeals and petitioning higher powers the Blue Sky People have won an unprecedented legal battle that effectively negates the Brunot Treaty and returns some 3.5 million acres of land to its rightful owners. The agreement, signed in 1873 under intimidation and blatantly false pretense, called for the removal of all Utes from the area of mines, which included all of the San Juans and adjacent valleys.
Even though the Treaty of 1868 guaranteed that the land “would be yours forever” the newer entente, hatched by racists such as Governor Frederick Pitkin, called for the expulsion of the seven Ute bands to reservations along the New Mexico and Utah borders.
At the time the Utes did not understand what the government had done. It had been their understanding during negotiations that they would give up land on which the mines were actually located, not all the land that contained mines. The situation was further clouded by a government decree recognizing Ouray, of the Uncompahgre Band, as chief of the Colorado Utes. This designation allegedly helped gloss over the smooth transfer of lands to white settlers and in its defense, probably prevented a bloodbath.
“If Ouray was chief of the Utes then my ass chews gum,” said one Ute sheepherder living near Ignacio. “He was never elected to anything. I was all a giant hoax to grab our land, which , according to our beliefs, cannot be owned in the first place.”
During the last few days of hearings the Supreme Quart apologized to the Blue Sky People for “unparalleled grievances, rampant violence and systematic racism”. Saying that the land in question was stolen they declared all treaties starting with the Calhoun Treaty of 1850 to be null and void.
“We can’t give these native people back their culture or way of life but we can damn sure give them back their land,” said a combined statement from the justices.
In keeping with the ruling the town of Ouray will be renamed Colorow and the city of Gunnison to Tomichi. Colorow was a rascal chief and Gunnison had been inappropriately named after early white explorer John Gunnison, a man of oppressive moral fiber, who subsequently killed by Pahvant Ute at Sevier Lake in the Utah Territory in 1853.
“Tomichi sounds better,” continued the herder.
“We expect it will take about 100 years for the land to return to its more natural state,” explained one Ute councilman from what was once called Cortez, and will now be named Weeminuche. Chivington, in Eastern Colorado, is slated to be razed on Tuesday, the residents sent to re-eduction camps in what was once the penal colony of Oklahoma. Oddly enough, that jurisdiction is proudly dubbed Native America on the state’s license plates, even though not one Native American has ever voluntarily relocated there.
The white folks currently residing on the effected acreage will have until Friday to vacate the premises or be forcibly moved to reservations in Utah.
– Uncle Pahgre
“I’m not trying to restructure society. I’m just trying to take care of the issues that wake people up in the middle of the night.” – Kamala Harris. Vice President of the United States
PROPOSAL WOULD RAISE SOCIAL SECURITY AGE
(Froggy Bottom) Key Senate Republicans have presented a bill that would raise the age for full Social Security benefits to 86 it was disclosed today. The authors of the potential legislation say that raising the age for recipients will create financial solvency within the program and assure that everyone gets his share
Called No Old Fart Left Behind, the plan calls for sweeping changes and a gradual raising of the minimum qualifying age for persons born after 1935.
“In an attempt to jump-start legislation we thought we’d start high,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). “By the time those liberals get done with it we’ll be writing checks to everyone who ever worked.”
In most cases the current age for benefits hovers between 62 and 67. Despite the fact that funds for the program were taken out of people’s checks for their entire working careers politicians feel it is their right to manipulate the funds and redirect payments based entirely on age.
Other fat white guys in the House called for volunteer personal accounts for young people and promised to hold down bennies for upper wage earners. Some pension pimps suggest that since there is little manufacturing left in this country there are really no workers, at least in the classic sense. Therefore they argue nobody deserves a retirement check and the money could be spent in other areas such as oil drilling and the military.
“We’ll still be burning fossil fuels in this country long after these folks are all fossils,” said Noise.
If the 86-year cut-off is adopted rural Americans, many who voted Republican in the 2020 elections are expected to be hardest hit by the increase.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
HORSESHOE TO AUCTION UNUSED TRUMP HEADS
Moved by the efforts of Donald Trump to sell Presidential pardons, we proudly present a public sale of Newly Generated But Never Used Headlines from the Trump Era. Collect them all! These artifacts that will surely be worth a fortune in the years to come, you can bet on that!
Trump Era Unused Headlines-Auction
Inspirational headlines we won’t be using now since the Golam* is kind of gone (*dragon ruler, not to be confused with Golam in Farsi which means My Dear)
Russian Moles and Some Republicans Continue to Defend Trump
Even rodents know when to quit
$26.99 with tank rental when you bunch Congressmen
Trump Waving at No One in Press Photos
Thousands of MAGA hats abandoned in WH basement
$300.00 with smudged handicap and “etch-a-sketch” scorecard
Trump pushed for Doctor Pepper in initial Covid power struggle
Why such low prices? – If we don’t move it we have to inventory it! Buy today!
$139.00 with deposit. No ice.
Trump’s Mysterious Phone call to Hessians downplayed by Supreme Quart
Other than the Deutsche Bank who else did Donald owe?
$66.99 incl. photo of Biblical Trump in front of Reichstag
Black man claims direct lineage to Trump, Crazy Horse and Billie Holiday
(Selma, AL) It’s strange enough to see a 106-year-old black man in a full war bonnet walking around downtown with his medicine bag, singing the blues, his orange hair sparkling in the sun…
$650.00 with unpublished photos and lyrics
Extreme Right Applauds Trump Fire Sale on Death Row
Private Prisons Feel Slighted According to DOJ
Only $70.00 in Bodoni bold
Trump denies stiffing DC moving company on Jan 20
Pence Paid Bill Cries Ex-Leader – VP Says No
$177.99 unsigned with Presidential seal intact
DID TRUMP PARDON HITLER ON WAY OUT THE DOOR?
We didn’t see the name Adolf on his pardons roster but…
$200 – Subhead at no additional charge.
All of our one-of-a-kind headlines arrive at your door framed in a special Top Secret envelope just like ones they use over at the State Department. Easy assembly with replacement adjectives and adverbs available. Some sizes run big – Check our typeface chart. Prices not compatible with other offers. Warning: Could cause eyestrain and gas. Sorry no returns. Buy today and receive 5 Death Row Lotto Tickets that could win you up to $2,000,000!
Yemanja and the Rain – Candomble Chants Awaken the Spirits
Perhaps the drought crept in from Laguna Negra, carried on the fangs of poisonous reptiles from the somewhere where rains persisted and hills were plush with green. Some say so. Already in December a forest fire charred the land and the trees were crisp with foreboding. A lone skinny pine waiting for the next spark, spared the first time around.
The grand affair of fire, rain and rebirth in cactus and acacias has been interrupted. No rain fell along the South Atlantic coast from November to February. Dust has replaced sea breeze. Only the sand is unchanged. This was 2010. In 2021 another even more devastating drought threatens daily life in the country of Uruguay.
Stars and silence were my companions. Living on my wooded land in a field tent offered many pleasures, one of which was not the luxury of cooking over an open fire. I didn’t dare. From November through April I ate a lot of cheese, nuts and apples. I went out for coffee. Beer helps on the more stressful days.
One night I had neighbors from Montevideo at a cabin down the way. They stopped to say hello and seemed impressed with my woodsman within. My tent was complete with airbed, blankets, pillows and sheets. Outside were chairs and a desk along with outhouse, the plans of which were concocted by a famous New York architect Peter Francois, now of Chuy.
Despite tradition there was no bidet anywhere on the property or even an aviary since it as far too dry to rely on carrier pigeons to conduct our daily commerce. Rope and garlic surrounded my leafy perimeter, compliments of a local who said they would keep snakes away. That may have worked since in six-month residency I never saw any one.
Even though the sky rain-coated itself in clouds and darkness there was little moisture in the air. I accepted an invitation to join my neighbors on their patio for a glass of wine. The bunched up woodlands running to the beach afforded a quiet rest from the heat of the day.
After lamenting at the lack of rain one of the young women looking more Gitana than Galician began talking to a Guarani goddess she called Yemanja. The others smiled peacefully familiar with the chanting.
“Oh Yemanja, hear your thirsty children. We are sad and alone. Surely your tears will drench the land and save us from the flames,” she sang out. One of the men told me Yemanja was a sea goddess. The others brought out candles, flowers, perfumes and fruit to decorate an altar for her blessings and approval.
“All your tears will make it rain.”
“Kind of like the Virgin thing, isn’t it,” smirked one of the kids to the frowns of the Gitana. “Isn’t everything in Latin America?” said another.
Candomble is an ancient African religion that passed through the slave markets of Montevideo in the 1600s. Many people still adhere to its colorful rituals, mixing it masterfully with Iberian Catholicism and pieces of the surviving Guarani culture.
The Gitana kept up the chanting, encouraging all to join her, which we did. We sat on the porch focused on the goddess and the rain. An occasional breeze gave us hope. A sense of the sea gave us salty energy. We sipped our wine and tried to concentrate as a group. Nothing but our chanting filled the night. Pleas to Yemanja fell to the dry ground unheard. Our petitions lost on a lonely coast in the middle of the night. Then…solo raindrop. Then another.
We looked at each other part in shock, part in celebration. In moments here would be enough water to dance above, below and between the drops. Then a little more rain and the sandy path home felt good under my bare feet. It had rained.
Two days later a major storm arrived from the east drenching the village and the region for 2 days. The land began to return to normal. All your tears will make it rain.
And I for one don’t care if you buy my story or not. I was there. I heard the chanting. I chanted. It rained all he way through the Pampas to Paysandu and from La Paloma to the Brazilian frontier.
February 2 is the Feast Day for Yemanja when thousands of worshippers descend on beaches from Montevideo to Bahia bearing candles, flowers, perfumes and fruit to petition the goddess of rain to intercede on behalf of a mistreated planet.
