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Blue Mesa Vodka – Your Hedge Against Tariffs

(Gunnison) Fearing tariffs on imported alcohol, leaders here plan to drain Blue Mesa Reservoir and fill it with Polish, Finnish and Swedish vodkas.

Prioritizing natural wildlife and preserving the ecosystem the honeycombed transfers will begin on Tuesday with the exhausting chore completed before the 4th, according to a newly released and unprecedented agenda.

Diversions of late runoff and the dragging of the lake for harmful debris are likely to circumvent prior concerns. Then and only then will the lake be “restocked” with the imported booze. Traffic may be impacted on weekdays with a detour through Wyoming on the docket.

The reservoir, Colorado’s largest, would be pumped dry of water and replenished with rye grain or potato based inebriant for all to enjoy.

The current population of fish, including some of the largest Mackinaws on the planet and a thriving flathead catfish colony, will be relocated to a more serene habitat before the liquor is piped in.

“Add a few tones of olives, a few barrels of vermouth and we can then claim bragging rights as to the world’s largest vodka martini,” tethered Deep Eddie Taaka, who owns more than 200 miles of beachfront property in and around Blue Mesa.

The vodka levels are expected to reach capacity and remain at that proportion through the winter. Vodka does not freeze solid like water and can be easily monitored and examined for impurities from the air.

Already many local bars and restaurants have come on board featuring the local hooch and initiating bottling procedures that are in sync to begin in the spring.

Runoff, rain, snow melt and road dirt will be kept at bay by miles of tiny screens that buckle tightly to trees, rocks, beaches, abandoned craft or any other physical barriers deemed loyal to the development and protection of the flowing spirits.

Drinkers of imported vodka appear relieved today with the news that Gunnison and Montrose counties will employ tourist tax dollars to mold this innovative stretch into a solid reality.

Just months ago the very idea of filling a high-altitude lake with vodka seemed absurd but now, after blueprints, taste tests and triple distilling the concept has gained acceptance even from the most stubborn contingents.

In a related piece of news a move to rename Blue Mesa Reservoir Trump Loch Estuary by some local MAGA supporters was unanimously voted down in the Colorado House yesterday, effectively smothering the proposal before it reached the light of day.

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