All Entries Tagged With: "Elk Mountains"
Border Squabble on Pot Provokes Dry Response
A legal row over what may or may not constitute pot smuggling continues to plague border relations with four neighboring states says the Colorado State Accounting Office.
In a joint response to old antagonisms, bad knees and new jealousies state fiscal sources chided Kansas and Nebraska regarding claims that small amounts of Colorado marijuana has been seized within state borders. Pot is illegal in these and many other states that are clearly engulfed in a meth epidemic.
“We puff legally and it doesn’t appear to be hurting anyone,” said a spokesman for the well-healed revenue department in Denver. “Here in the Treasurer’s Office we tend to see things through a more monetary framework but there’s more going on here than tax collection.”
The spokesperson acknowledged that Colorado too has problems with hard drug use but that the situation has been tempered by taking marijuana off the illicit drug list.
“Our legal system seems to be working with minimal issues. Maybe these folks should get on board,” said the source.
“Squabble over our pot industry and we’ll cut off your water,” smiled Colorado State Treasurer pro tem, Pamela Puff. “Further legal action on the part of neighboring states may provoke a sanctions against Utah and Wyoming, she threatened.”
Experts agree that levying sanctions on an inter-state basis has no precedence in the Rockies and that it is probably not a binding or even legitimate approach to the current feuds.
“Tariffs and dry ditches will get the attention of these blue noses, long before these petty lawsuits grace the courtroom.” added Puff.
– Atila Diggins
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Russian Robots Laying Mag Chloride
Teams of Russian robots, dressed like county highway workers are coating local roads with magnesium chloride in a vain attempt to thwart US elections in November of 2020.
Will He Hack Elections in November? Photos secretly shot through a telex-burger lens show aliens like the one above dressed as highway workers along remote desert highways and shady lanes on the wrong side of the Tar Baby. Unsuspecting motorists are often swallowed up by the goo, sucked into the landscape and never heard from again.
Ballot box officials confirmed that the Bots are in country and busily building networks and cells aimed at derailing the shadows of democracy still left in the country.
“These are not your run-of-the-mill Russian robots,” said Clarabelle Ptarmigan, a grizzled uranium cork-and- grinder who lives along Highway 90 near the divide Road on the Uncompahgre Plateau.
“These are zombies. They have been lobotomized in Russian and sent here to disrupt our national infrastructure. They stare at passing motorists with a blank look, deprived of any real human contact,” she stressed. “They stare at trees. They stare at rocks for hours on end.”
Also called Make America Great Chloride, the chemical is used to keep dust levels down to the detriment of roadside trees and automotive vehicles that suffer almost immediate rust-like damage when caked with the it.
“The mag-chloride is only a diversion to keep us distracted while the vile business of computer hacking and social division goes on,” said Ptarmigan.
Will He Hack Elections in November?
Photos secretly shot through a telex-burger lens show aliens like the one above dressed as highway workers along remote desert highways and shady lanes on the wrong side of the Tar Baby. Unsuspecting motorists are often swallowed up by the goo, sucked into the landscape and never heard from again.
Trump passes Stalin on Turnover List
(Moscow) President Donald Trump, recently from the United States, has passed deceased Russian dictator Joseph Stalin as top dog on the all-time administrative hit list.
Joe with an unidentified prom date in the 40s.
The magic moment came yesterday afternoon with the resignation of a climate change expert and the dismissal of a minor bureaucrat in the EPA. Both former surrogates left without incident and are said to be doing fine.
Trump is now the unchallenged leader according that infamous proxy ledger, a dubious honor compiled annually by yappy political watchdogs from The Hague. The poll stops short of drawing other more painful comparisons from the civilian lives of the two despots.
Despite classic purges, famine, collective farms, firing squads and two world wars Stalin’s numbers, once believed to be statistically insurmountable, have been left in the dust of the Russian steppes.
Whereas it took Stalin 20 years to achieve such notoriety, the new king of turnovers, Donald Trump, himself a nitpicker on loyalty, has accomplished the feat in only two years.
And you thought Joe Stalin went through people.
Do Rios Golf Club – 18 Holes of Summer Heaven
Al, Brian and Dylan welcome you to Dos Rios Golf Club in Gunnison, a beautiful, challenging course on the river. Great people, great food and great weather. Call 970-641-1482 for a tee time.
Missing Link Eludes Police in Archetypal Fashion
“He’s always known too much but now he’s got money – We see a clear and present threat to the peace of the nation” – Ferne Dingle, Manana County Sheriff
After several daytime sightings followed by fruitless searches near the Ridgway Reservoir police are combing Log Hill and Buckhorn in hopes of cornering the elusive Missing Link before he makes it the Badlands of Utah and his legendary Fry Canyon stronghold.
News that the Missing Link’s Net Worth is Over 6.5 million has raised a few eyebrows this week and given authorities cause for concern since he was only recently destitute and reliance on friends for handouts was the rule of the day.
Endorsements, speaking engagements, sales of memorabilia and autographs as well as interest-bearing foundations, tax-free religion, tea dance premiums and kickbacks from several country and western artists have left the Link quite wealthy in human terms.
Tourists hiking near Griffith Gardens on Log Hill Mesa recently spotted what they called “a flimsy-looking, shadow-like male primate” 4 miles up from the clachan of Colona. Police and olive units arrived in moments hoping for surprise in their attempts to take the suspect into custody.
Authorities believe The Link has been loitering around Wildcat Creek in the vicinity of Colona where it is further believed he has a secret consort of the female persuasion. Whether the lover came along after he money or before was not clear at press time.
“If the link spills the beans even the mentally challenged among us will see things much more clearly and realize what’s been going on here.” said one former Colorado senator. “You think the judicial system is a farce now? Just wait.”
Later in the day when pressed the top investigator would not say exactly why they were tracking The Link or what the suspect had done to merit all the chaos.
“He ain’t an immigrant. He ain’t a terrorist. He ain’t even one of those progressives,” said one deputy. “I’ve been out on more than 20 of these Missing Link chases and I’ve yet to glimpse what they call hybrid prey.
When further pressed, both peace officers averted their eyes to the nearby horizon, monkeying with binoculars, adjusted their badges and ignored further journalistic excursions from baby journalists practicing their breast-stroke in these troubled waters.
– Pepper Salte