All Entries Tagged With: "Elk Mountains"

Hombre disparado desde las tierras del cañón en el hospital

(Wimpton-on-Uncompahgre) Un hombre de 27 años, disparado desde un cañón el jueves durante el espectáculo anual de armas y fuegos artificiales de Chicken Hawk, descansa cómodamente en el hospital de San Roscoe. Se espera que sea engañado y liberado después del fin de semana.

Según los informes, el forraje no identificado de carne y huesos se ofreció para ser propulsado de esta manera de polvo negro. Supuestamente estaba tratando de eludir a los seis hermanos de su novia que recientemente se habían comprometido a golpearlo sin sentido debido a interludios románticos sin compromiso y “promesas de cumplir”.

Aunque el ejercicio de artillería se realizó sin problemas, la bala de cañón humana aterrizó más o menos en los asientos del estadio en la arena de rodeo. Los técnicos de emergencias médicas lo rescataron y lo llevaron a St. Roscoe. Ahora es una celebridad en el ala psiquiátrica.

“Al principio lo consideramos un goner”, dijo un técnico médico en la escena. “Entonces pensamos que tenía que llevarlo a la Clínica Mao, pero está sentado desayunando esta mañana, sacudido pero vivo”.

Actualmente está experimentando una leve pérdida auditiva, pero los médicos nos aseguran que la afección mejorará o podría empeorar según lo dicte el tratamiento.

El episodio marca la primera vez desde la batalla de Glorieta Pass que un ser humano ha sido lanzado por una pistola o mortero. Respaldarlos a menudo era una necesidad, en lugar de tanques o poder aéreo, para avanzar tropas vacilantes de manera ordenada.

“Cuando las tropas reunidas vieron lo que le sucedió a un simulador, todos pasaron por encima y cargaron la posición del enemigo sin más demora”, dijo una fuente del espectáculo de armas. “Los ejércitos dispararon exploradores y soldados de observación hacia adelante fuera de los cañones hasta la perfección del paracaídas de poliéster y la invención del helicópter.

Las autoridades aún no han revelado el nombre de la víctima hasta que se puedan identificar a los miembros de la familia, mientras que las personas responsables de encender el fusible han sido detenidas, aunque los abogados insisten en que la evidencia es humeante en el mejor de los casos.

“Nadie obligó a este lunático a entrar en el cañón”, dijeron, “que intenten probar intenciones o acciones criminales. Han ocurrido muchas cosas más extrañas durante el calor de la batalla.

Los funcionarios del hospital confirmaron que usar un casco probablemente le salvó la vida al hombre. Ya se está trabajando en un libro.

Earth is sole planet says VP

(Cheyenne de Vaquero) Vice President Mike Pence told a group of intergalactic oil drillers here that earth was indeed the only planet in the solar system and that their efforts at oil extraction in outer space were good for America.

Saying, “One of our Secretaries of State told me,” Pence went on to discount earlier findings that the solar system was crammed with heavenly bodies.

“Show me one place in the Bible where they talk about Mars or Martians invading the earth,” said Pence to a chorus of laughter. He quickly turned serious then added that with the Martian threat gone the administration could now focus wholeheartedly on the War on Terror. Silence.

The Hoosier, an Indian word hoosa for corn, denied allegations that his comments reflected a conflict of interest due to his presence on the government dole masked as civil service. Frowns.

“Back when I was at the helm of Indiana we were subjected to the same kind of harassment by narrow-minded people who think the earth was created to be preserved. What nonsense. I don’t remember reading about any environmentalists crossing the Red Sea or fighting with the Philistines.”

Again the Vice President got a throng of guffaws, mixed with tearful laughter.

When asked about Martian landings by unmanned spaceships and an assortment of high tech photos that have been collected over the past five years Pence said that he could not answer in that the activity in question was a matter of national security.

“I’ll say this: He smiled. “If I was a passenger on a United Airlines Flight to Disney World I’d be far and away more comfortable with Donald Trump in the cockpit than I would with these Democratic pretenders to the throne at the wheel.”

– Sergio Jingle

Mosquito Luncheon Planned for Grand Mesa

(Ward Lake) An annual mosquito luncheon, sponsored by the Colorado Mosquito Legions, will be held Saturday, October 12 from 10 am to 3 pm on Grand Mesa. Mosquitos from all over the state are expected to be in attendance. Following a brief welcome picnic a host of parasitic field games will be held in the afternoon with a showing of the film Count Dracula in the evening under the stars.

“It was a successful summer and we’re here to let our hair down and reflect,” said Myrna Bloode, a longtime standout in the parasite arena.

According to one organizer the luncheon will most likely stretch into the dinner hour with lots of buzzing and munching going on. Out-of-state mosquitos needing directions or transportation should call the CML by July 21. Interested humans are encouraged to attend and need not bring anything but themselves.

– Blanco du Sangre

SPAM METEOR HEADED YOUR WAY SATURDAY

What is being described as an aggressive, orbiting wedge of gelatin-like meat the size of Philadelphia is headed for earth. After gobbling up Jupiter and spitting out Neptune the greasy mass has not been stopped, or even slowed, despite the combined efforts of military factions and the deployment of every weapon known to man.

Shedding its natural skin or heliosheath the blob-like Spam meteor has picked up speed and debris (space litter) while crossing over the heliosphere. It was hoped the reverse would occur but gravitational pull was galvanized and tropical storms in our solar system never materialized.

Observation points on dwarf planets have been evacuated and researchers have been ordered to tighten their Kuiper belts until the emergency passes. In the case of a direct hit survivors are directed to stay out of the sun and search for potable water.

-Warren of Wexley

Relief for seniors

Are you 100 years old or more and have never had so much as a parking ticket? The Gov’ment may pay to paint your house. Little-known program available to seniors, juniors, snowflakes, rednecks and illegals.

Up to $5000 in non-fire zones. Flood plains slightly less. Enamel or gloss. Ladders not included. We do not use forced labor from the nation’s private prison population unless local ordinances deem otherwise.

For more please tear out the eligibility form from this months’ Magpie Magazine:

The slick ‘zine for those who see life strictly in Black and White.

Martian Web Site Detected

(Colona) Two internet surfers appear to have stumbled across the most magnificent discovery since Lief Erickson sailed into Newfoundland in 1340. Unlike the renown Viking they did it from a home computer.

Perhaps the most thrilling kicker is that they have had mounds of correspondence from their extraterrestrial counterparts, two young hackers from the Noonday Gulf on the Red Planet of Mars. Although at first the language barrier was formidable, after a little code work and sound wave application both sides began to communicate quite readily.

“What a shock to find a Martian website,” said one of the lads, whose names were not released until further investigation could be completed. “This certainly throws a bit of light on the question of other beings living in our solar system. What’s really funny is that our new friends still use dial-up to access their email.”

The Martians say their entire culture lives miles above and below the planet that has been determined to be quite inhospitable due to extreme temperatures and the presence of red dust all over everything. When contacted leading sources at NASA and the FAA agreed that the assumption is ridiculous and that any number of scenarios could explain the exchange.

“It’s about as silly as the Man in the Moon theory,” said one NASA official.

Meanwhile sources within the Caligula* Administration denied validity regarding the findings due to accepted Creationist theories and “because, to quote a high ranking aide, “we believe the world to be flat.”

Rogue scientists attempting to make contact with other beings in the Universe say the vocal patterns and data shared indicate that the sources are indeed extraterrestrial.

“We have yet to hear anything like this,” stressed one free-lance space ship chaser from New Mexico. “even in the movies. If true, the ramifications of this encounter will immediately change the world as we know it.”

Government officials who hope to determine if the communication is real or if it’s a hoax have taken the two boys into protective custody. Intergalactic enthusiasts interested in checking out the site can go to www.mars.org or wait to be contacted telepathically. Be advised that doing so may violate recent federal bans on communication with persons from outer space. If you plan to travel to Mars please refer to www.statedepartment.us/travel in foreign countries for an update on safety and political climate.

*As called in the New York Times