All Entries Tagged With: "dining out"
Montrose Man Talks to Potatoes
(Spring Creek UPS) Melvin R. Toole hasn’t been the same since the Spanish American War. Having been wounded and separated by his regiment at San Juan Hill, he claims to have survived three months in the jungle on a crop of rogue Irish potatoes.
“I don’t know who planted the spuds but I’d sure like to thank them,” said Toole, who withstood the ordeal as a young man of 17. “He has visited Ireland and Peru (where potatoes were first established as a crop) in search of answers.
“People just stare at me,” he whined.
Today the veteran is satisfied carrying on extended conversations with local spuds.
“I can’t really call them dialogues,” said Toole. “but one never knows what’s around the next corner. I just want to find someone to thank and all eyes are on me.”
– Princess Irm Peawit
“News of a runaway sent them (The Patrol) into cheerful activity. They raided the plantations after their quarry, interrogating a host of quivering darkies. Freemen knew what was coming and hid their valuables and moaned when white men smashed their furniture and glass.”
– from The Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead”
MANY CHEFS UNCERTIFIED
(Crested Butte) Residents and visitors alike were shocked by news that many of the region’s chefs are not certified. The status, which could severely impair future culinary endeavors, is particularly acute in ski towns say experts.
This problem is often exacerbated by the need to staff seasonal kitchens. Although this position rarely affects food quality or creativity, it seriously limits the structural implications of the pecking order and could lead to a breakdown of the industry as a whole.
The cost of certification is $350 per year ($400 with Wyoming and Utah included). The complete course can be digested by email and the final testing concluded in two hours on any number of Saturday morning sessions offered by the licensing agency. Interested parties are instructed to send the money before the end of the year to insure uninterrupted production. There is a slight discount for groups of over 3.
Successful applicants will note the mandatory eight hours working on the line in a bad restaurant has been waved as of October, 2019. Instead each newly honored chef will prepare school lunches and exchange recipes with teachers after class.
“We’d like to see some of our younger chefs take advantage of the blanket amnesty and upgrade before deadlines imposed by cooking magazines and food purveyors,” said sources within the Colorado Health Department and the FBI.
“We realize that there will always be chefs out there that want to buck the system but we firmly believe that without perimeters and guidelines the whole profession could turn into one big anarchy pie.
“They are always looking for good cooks in jail,” said the enforcing parties.
– Wolfgang Putz
Grandmother grandfathered says coucil
“I hauled these marmots in here!”
Grandma Wishbonze will be allowed to keep her geraniums after a council ruling. (Police file photo)
A 96-year-old great grandmother has won a battle against city hall today after a lengthy struggle. The issue was her geraniums and the odor common to the floral specimens.
“My flowers ain’t hurtin’ anyone,” said Myrna Wishbonze, a former defendant turned victorious.
“The whole neighborhood still stinks of these cranesbills, said Owen W. Sieve, Executive director of the Happy Hills Homeowners Association. We could hardly smell our steaks cooking on the grill anymore. The woman has to be controlled.
Local authorities thought better and it was decided that the flowers remain since they were rooted here first and that the homeowners should pursue other agenda items “avoiding the petty and concentrating on community.”
Grandma Wishbonze “has been singled out for harassment by a group of tired old farts with nothing else to do but upset the donkey cart” said a memo from the mayor’s office. “Enough is enough. We must preserve the right to play outside the box. Down with cultural homogenization! Long live the eccentric!”
“Some people just seem to enjoy these petty little confrontations while half the planet is out looking for something to eat,” said Sasha Remakee, a former botanical activist who was elected to the local council on the Red Petal Ticket in November.
Remakee is best known for her investigative roll and butter routine that shined light on tofu gravy shortcuts, ersatz coffee and pancakes filled with hot air down at Red’s (Cafe) near Wimpton Nuclear Plant.
“It was that second-shift lunch special that got her elected in the first place,” sobbed Sieve.
Later she stunned followers by backpedaling on claims that she her mother had been a decorated, tone-deaf fighter pilot in World War I. (A claim she later reclaimed).
Then, according to a re-print of an article from Caucasian Nation, Remakee shocked a died-in-the-wool contingent of Mayflower devotees reminding them that many Blacks and Latinos can claim an American heritage that began painfully before the Pilgrims dropped anchor.
Meanwhile Grandma Wishbonze is tickled that she can keep her flowers. I have names for reach and every one of them,” she whispered, “although they don’t always respond to my syllabic pruning.”
A retired physical education teacher (Pea Green Academy), Wishbonze penned over 400 articles on Body Chemistry and Water Law from her Orchestral Home before the flooding in West Paradox in the early 80s. In addition she functioned as president of the Good Grammar Pioneers on Wong Mesa. In 2008 she was officially proclaimed grandmother of everyone in Shavano Valley and interested families living east of the The West Canal.
“Hell, I hauled these marmots in here.” she teased, “right after Uncle Dave hauled in the San Juans.” alluding to some great-relative or another.
– Dusty Pearl
End of world already happened says scientist
(Ouray) A transcendental scientist here says the much-feared apocalypse (end of the world) has already taken place and that what we are seeing and experiencing now is simply a dream. Dr. Melrose Tinkleholland, BFD, LSMFT, former director of the Macro-Buddhist Study Institute on Red Mountain says the end came fifteen years ago but that everyone had been too busy and self-absorbed to notice it.
“Today,” he asserted, “our entire spectrum is dependent on the generally Lilliputian human imagination to support cosmic flow created by the revolutions and desertions of other heavenly bodies.”
Tinkleholland, who catapulted to fame in early 1988 after proving that Elvis Presley was alive and living on the planet Neptune, is the former chair of the Department of Astrology and Sports Medicine at the prestigious Cal Amari Institute.
Later he offered strong evidence that our daily lives are an illusion created by our memories and fears.
“It’s like going to the movies without sound or even popcorn,” said the professor.
The extraterrestrials, he insists, not only visited our mountain towns during tourist season but that these every one of these space wanderers bought cowboy hats while in the Rockies.
“They still like to dress up like cowboys when given the chance,” said Tinkleholland. “Who wouldn’t?”
Pornographic evidence of an alien visitor riding a bull at the 2009 Ouray Rodeo is allegedly in the possession of the state police.
“He made it to the bell but then swallowed his chew,” laughed Tinkleholland. “They sure don’t make other world cowpokes like they used to.”
Restating his appraisal that our world is only a dream, the professor looked down his nose at assembled guests saying, “There’s really no reason to worry anymore. We might just as well have a good time. Bring me another rum!”
– Estelle Marmotbreath
“I coulda had lots of religion
saved for all to see
but fo’ bad women and smooth whiskey,
I just could not let them be.”
– Jefferson Washington, “King of the Blues”
BUS ENTHUSIASTS FORM CLUB
(Gunnison) Local bus enthusiasts have organized the nation’s first bus club here according to a press release received this morning. The club, founded for promotion and preservation of bus-related culture, will attempt to educate the public while it combats common misgivings about this kind of travel.
In addition the club will be responsible for recording bus lingo and chronicling history of buses in the Western Slope region. Slide shows on the most recent technology and hints on making left turns will be presented each Friday night at the historic ruins of the LaVeta Hotel on South Boulevard Street.
“We’ll be taking field trips to local fields and meeting the bus when it arrives on its daily trek from Pueblo and points beyond,” said Ralph Cramdenot of Almont. “Why just the other day we had a bus right here in Gunnison that came all the way from Kansas City. Small world, heh?”
Members feel that the public will gain new perspectives into bus travel through the efforts described here.
“With the Congress dragging its feet on passing gas bills we could all soon be riding the bus,” smiled Cramdenot, “We’re here to educate. There’s nothing worse than a rookie holding up the line looking for change or asking the driver stupid questions.”
– Paula Parvenue
CAR ALARM CHECK POINTS PRESERVE THE PEACE
(Howardsville) Visitors to Western Colorado are reminded to check their car alarms with the local magistrate before entering downtown areas. Adherence to this law is easy and fun!
Just pull over at any one of the many checkpoints and leave your car alarm there. Although some people find the regulation somewhat inconvenient, simple compliance will ensure the safety of everyone.
“The days where everyone waltzed around our towns with a car alarm on his hip are over,” said one deputy. “We’re civilized now and the boom and bust Wild West has been tempered. We’ve got leash laws, parking meters, zoning laws, speed limits, and noise ordinances. Nobody wants to be confronted by some trigger-happy drifter anxious to show off his car alarm.”
Since the law went into effect in June, car alarm noise has all but disappeared from the dusty streets. Locals have returned to the primitive practice of leaving their keys in the ignition. Kids steal hubcaps. Sheep graze happily on Elysian ridges. All is one.
Persons failing to comply with this law face arrest and subjection to hours of badly recorded heavy metal music. Further resistance will be dealt with harshly with offending motorists ostracized and facing feudal banishment.
– Rocky Flats