All Entries Tagged With: "dining out"

Mosquito Luncheon Planned for Grand Mesa

(Ward Lake) An annual mosquito luncheon, sponsored by the Colorado Mosquito Legions, will be held Saturday, October 12 from 10 am to 3 pm on Grand Mesa. Mosquitos from all over the state are expected to be in attendance. Following a brief welcome picnic a host of parasitic field games will be held in the afternoon with a showing of the film Count Dracula in the evening under the stars.

“It was a successful summer and we’re here to let our hair down and reflect,” said Myrna Bloode, a longtime standout in the parasite arena.

According to one organizer the luncheon will most likely stretch into the dinner hour with lots of buzzing and munching going on. Out-of-state mosquitos needing directions or transportation should call the CML by July 21. Interested humans are encouraged to attend and need not bring anything but themselves.

– Blanco du Sangre

SPAM METEOR HEADED YOUR WAY SATURDAY

What is being described as an aggressive, orbiting wedge of gelatin-like meat the size of Philadelphia is headed for earth. After gobbling up Jupiter and spitting out Neptune the greasy mass has not been stopped, or even slowed, despite the combined efforts of military factions and the deployment of every weapon known to man.

Shedding its natural skin or heliosheath the blob-like Spam meteor has picked up speed and debris (space litter) while crossing over the heliosphere. It was hoped the reverse would occur but gravitational pull was galvanized and tropical storms in our solar system never materialized.

Observation points on dwarf planets have been evacuated and researchers have been ordered to tighten their Kuiper belts until the emergency passes. In the case of a direct hit survivors are directed to stay out of the sun and search for potable water.

-Warren of Wexley

Relief for seniors

Are you 100 years old or more and have never had so much as a parking ticket? The Gov’ment may pay to paint your house. Little-known program available to seniors, juniors, snowflakes, rednecks and illegals.

Up to $5000 in non-fire zones. Flood plains slightly less. Enamel or gloss. Ladders not included. We do not use forced labor from the nation’s private prison population unless local ordinances deem otherwise.

For more please tear out the eligibility form from this months’ Magpie Magazine:

The slick ‘zine for those who see life strictly in Black and White.

Martian Web Site Detected

(Colona) Two internet surfers appear to have stumbled across the most magnificent discovery since Lief Erickson sailed into Newfoundland in 1340. Unlike the renown Viking they did it from a home computer.

Perhaps the most thrilling kicker is that they have had mounds of correspondence from their extraterrestrial counterparts, two young hackers from the Noonday Gulf on the Red Planet of Mars. Although at first the language barrier was formidable, after a little code work and sound wave application both sides began to communicate quite readily.

“What a shock to find a Martian website,” said one of the lads, whose names were not released until further investigation could be completed. “This certainly throws a bit of light on the question of other beings living in our solar system. What’s really funny is that our new friends still use dial-up to access their email.”

The Martians say their entire culture lives miles above and below the planet that has been determined to be quite inhospitable due to extreme temperatures and the presence of red dust all over everything. When contacted leading sources at NASA and the FAA agreed that the assumption is ridiculous and that any number of scenarios could explain the exchange.

“It’s about as silly as the Man in the Moon theory,” said one NASA official.

Meanwhile sources within the Caligula* Administration denied validity regarding the findings due to accepted Creationist theories and “because, to quote a high ranking aide, “we believe the world to be flat.”

Rogue scientists attempting to make contact with other beings in the Universe say the vocal patterns and data shared indicate that the sources are indeed extraterrestrial.

“We have yet to hear anything like this,” stressed one free-lance space ship chaser from New Mexico. “even in the movies. If true, the ramifications of this encounter will immediately change the world as we know it.”

Government officials who hope to determine if the communication is real or if it’s a hoax have taken the two boys into protective custody. Intergalactic enthusiasts interested in checking out the site can go to www.mars.org or wait to be contacted telepathically. Be advised that doing so may violate recent federal bans on communication with persons from outer space. If you plan to travel to Mars please refer to www.statedepartment.us/travel in foreign countries for an update on safety and political climate.

*As called in the New York Times

CLUB DE FORMAS DE ENTUSIASISTAS

(Gunnison) Los entusiastas de los autobuses locales han organizado el primer club de autobuses de la nación aquí, según un comunicado de prensa recibido esta mañana. El club, fundado para la promoción y preservación de la cultura relacionada con los autobuses, intentará educar al público mientras combate las dudas comunes sobre este tipo de viajes.

Además, el club se encargará de registrar la jerga de los autobuses y la crónica de la historia de los autobuses en la región de Western Slope. Presentaciones de diapositivas sobre la tecnología más reciente y sugerencias para hacer giros a la izquierda se presentarán cada viernes por la noche en las ruinas históricas del Hotel LaVeta en South Boulevard Street.

“Haremos excursiones a los campos locales y nos encontraremos con el autobús cuando llegue en su caminata diaria desde Pueblo y puntos más allá”, dijo Ralph Cramdenot de Almont. “¿Por qué el otro día tuvimos un autobús justo aquí en Gunnison que vino desde Kansas City. Pequeño mundo, ¿eh?”

Los miembros sienten que el público obtendrá nuevas perspectivas en el viaje en autobús a través de los esfuerzos descritos aquí.

“Con el Congreso arrastrándose en la aprobación de los proyectos de ley de la gasolina, pronto todos podríamos viajar en el autobús”, sonrió Cramdenot, “Estamos aquí para educar. No hay nada peor que un novato sosteniendo la línea buscando un cambio o haciendo preguntas estúpidas al conductor “.

– Paula Parvenue

Black Powder Days Slated for November

(Crested Butte) Licensed hunters can once again shoot deer or elk from the ski lifts during Black Powder Days, November 3 – 6. The annual celebration, controversial since its inception in 2013, is expected to draw more than 500 sharpshooters eyeballing some 200 special licenses to a late October draw.

Local hunters will be given priority when signup begins. Times are to be chosen at random and depend on snow depths and migratory patterns. Most veterans of the extreme sport agree that early morning and dusk are the most advantageous times to hunt and add that bonus reconnaissance lift ride offers a slew of benefits to the seasoned as well as the novice shooter.

The ski area, owned by Vail, says it can easily accommodate 1000 hunters but that limits are in place to keep the event small and homey. Sources on the I-70 Corridor confirmed plans to add “an assortment” of entertaining sidelines along with the traditional ski experience.

“We must be ready to pounce on any opportunities to expand our shrinking custom base,” said a Vail source. “We could never pull this off at Vail since we are in close proximity to the liberals on the Confront Range whereas Gunnison County is full of hicks who like this kind of thing. They even have a rodeo every summer.”

A spokesman for the Colorado Division of Wildlife denied any knowledge of Black Powder Days contending that Vail or any other ski concern does not receive privileges not extended to every citizen of the state.

“We don’t know anything about DOW bigwigs skiing for free either,” said the source.

– Filly Buster