All Entries Tagged With: "dining out"

CHUCKHOLE APOLOGY

In our 2019 much quoted Chuckhole Primer For the Ages we advised motorists to speed up when closing in on porous chuckholes. We suggested that with an increased speed and velocity the vehicle in motion would easily skim over the gaping holes/ landing safely on the other side without incident or damage to the under-carriage of the car.

Well, it turns out this approach is invalid and the promised results are very questionable. In fact following this advice will most likely destroy shocks, tires, wheels, mirrors, windshields, drive trains, seat covers, teeth, paint, glass and the alignment. And it could get you a reckless driving ticket to boot.

Driving fast and “flowing smoothly” over chuckholes is not a good idea at all. Although our research is not conclusive, we must at this time warn motorists to slow down and avoid chuckholes rather than hitting them head-on.

We have effectively changed our chuckhole status from “cool and macho” to “not at all advisable” unless your ride features specially made assault tires, a pop-up pontoon bridge for particularly deep and difficult chuckholes, or a parachute.

Low riders should proceed at their own risk, always employing the Penasco (tilde: enya) Principle (Multiply tire size by 6 and divide by the depth of the asphalt blemish).

High altitude (over 9000 feet) chuckholes should be avoided especially when they are with their young. Seasonal distractions such as hunters stringing nets over chuckholes to trap small rodents and birds will be discussed in our next chapter.

 – Beyon’ Dynamite

CLOUD SEEDING CATALOGUES ARRIVING FRIDAY

(Colona) The 1998 Cloud Seed Catalogues are expected to be delivered to businesses and residences at the end of the week according to crop dusters above the Uncompahgre Flyway. The catalogues, a bi-product of alleged United Nations meddling in the internal affairs of Los Estados Unidos and her clones, will be whisked into town via black helicopter. Others will be displayed on the Winternet.

Cooperative citizens who can show they have no opinion in matters of state can exchange the paltry imprints (catalogues) for thimbles of herbal tea and fresh mangos throughout the summer season. Warning: Unlicensed dogs caught driving ski gondolas after dark will be prosecuted, their owner’s mountain bikes sold for scrap.

FAVORITE TOURIST TRAPS

Are you visiting our world this fall? If so here is a preferred selection of attractions even you won’t want to miss!

PEA GREEN CONSERVATORY RUINS – This architectural prototype once housed the infamous Pea Green Kazoo Orchestra and was the scene of the last pancake breakfast attended by William McKinley before his untimely assassination by an anarchist in 1901. Over the years the orchestra played before such music lovers as King Edward VII, Tallulah Bankhead, Oliver Heaviside, J.P. Morgan, Joan Crawford, and Thomas E. Dewey who remains buried six feet under the rhythm section.

WORLD’S LARGEST MARTINI – Located on Highway 145 near Placerville. This 700-foot cocktail was erected after the first Telluride Gin Festival in 1907. It requires the constant attention of some 130 full-time employees just to keep the thing cold. Funding cuts over the past few years have discouraged operations in the winter months when most thirsty residents prefer brandy or schnapps anyway. Official records estimate that it cost $6500 dollars per day to keep the facility open and that takes into account the low cost water generated power plant that was built with state lottery money in 1999. Guided tours are available on the half hour with a minimal admission fee of $12 (non-imbiber) and $75 (full services). A massive martini pipeline, that could supply some six counties with the beverage is on the drawing board and may be completed by Bronco season. Just for kicks don’t miss the Old Timer Vermouth Mill located behind Omar’s Roots just three miles east of Party of Lincoln Gift Shop at Grandma’s RV World.

SAGEBRUSH HOLOCAUST MUSEUM – This eerie monument seeks to honor the native sagebrush that is destroyed by bulldozers and asphalt each year. It was located in Peach Valley as of last night.

HISTORIC MOTEL ROW – Located in Gunnison this historical district has been completely restored and preserved for future generations. Many of the structures are available by the night or week and summer rates are reasonable. Take a walk back into the past as some of these motels were built as early as 1956. Park at Parlin and proceed west until you see the flashing lights! Self-contained RVs welcome.

SLATE RIVER WHITE BUFFALO RANCH

View the rare white buffalo, an animal considered sacred by the Utes. No set hours. The buffalo are either there or they are not. Watch the parking on poorly shouldered Highway 135. Located between Almont and Jack’s Cabin adjacent to the Roaring Judy Trout Internment Center, which is closed to the public Monday through Friday and on weekends.

SLOWEST TRAFFIC LIGHT IN THE WEST

Located at the intersection of Main and Townsend in Montrose. Wagon trains passing through this valley in the early part of the century are still waiting to negotiate this stretch of road. Everyone wants to turn left but nobody can. After you enjoy a visit to this signal be sure to stop at the Fastest Left Turn Arrow in the West at the Highway 50 by-pass.

JURASSIC LEACH FIELD – This ancient collection of dinosaur dung can be enjoyed by taking Highway 50 to Whitewater then turning west into Unaweep Canyon. Proceed along Highway 141 past the Umetco nuclear sugar beet processing plant at Snyder Flats and on to the Pablo Escobar Landing Strip at Casto Draw. Cut back southeast on the dirt road to Tenderfoot Mesa and listen for the intense buzzing. Since the remains are not totally petrified forest rangers caution visitors to hold their noses, wear old shoes and carry ample fly swatters in their vehicles.

TOOTHBRUSH RECYCLING PLANT – Located in downtown Novocaine next to the Toothpaste Tailings at the mouth of Stale Breath Gulch. See thousands of discarded toothbrush handles being forged into alarm clocks for export to the Far East. The bristles are melted down and turned into second-rate Astroturf. We suggest one avoid this massive dental display while Elvis or pine beetles or space aliens are in Colorado. These groups and the highly cited Tooth & Nails Periodontal Band (with stoolies) have tied up all motel rooms within a radius of fifty miles.

THE GIANT HOUSE – Located in a secret location of course, this 700,000 square foot structure was actually larger than the state of Rhode Island before the fire. Decorated with treasures pillaged from an assortment of Third World cultures the Giant House is designed to sink into the surrounding rocks in the event of a nuclear attack. Make sure identification papers are in order upon entering the lush grounds, as custodians are often inebriated and somewhat trigger-happy. But don’t despair: Schedule your visit to the Giant House between noon and two and catch some pomp and circumstance with the precision changing of the realtors at the gate house of this exclusive development.

These are only a few of the many attractions that await the visitor in Western Colorado. For a complete listing and further information on educational and illuminating tours and packages stop into your local tourist information booth. Tell them you’re Butch Cassidy and you’re looking for a few sticks of dynamite and the closest automatic teller machine. They probably won’t get it anyway.

CAUTION: Do not heed the advice of seemingly friendly denizens as these reprobates take extreme pleasure in misleading the innocent. Although creative and dramatic in delivery, they will lie to you at every turn causing much consternation and an immoral waste of gasoline. NEVER confront them in their prevarications as they are all well armed, even the children.

Blind Moto-Raton Driver Reinstated

(Arabica, Colombia) Coffee City has relented after an outpouring of public support for Hector Mancastle, the blind moto-raton driver that almost lost his livelihood here in this beautiful Andean village.

Last month, after complaints by tourists that Mancastle could not see them during primary ride negotiations, the city fathers and mothers confirmed that he had failed all driver testing. Furthermore they said he could no longer possess a driver’s permit (indeed he could not even see the written test) and therefore could no longer perform his duties as a conductor within the village limits. A copy of their decision was forwarded to officials in Antioquia.

“It’s vicious age discrimination,” said his half-sister Melba.

Mancastle is 95.

“I’ve been driving this here tuk-tuk for 58 years and although I can’t tell you its color I can say that I never hit anything.”      – Homer Mancastle, blind conductor.

It’s like that cow dog in front of the tourist train that began to bark if the thing didn’t embark exactly on-schedule each hour. That was all according to his canine calendar but this is a story about freedom and survival. What was Hector supposed to do, sit in the shade near the Arabica Hotel and bullshit all day?

“He may bee blind but he sure has a line of it,” said one younger driver who at 79 operates as many as three moto-ratons simultaneously, a standing record in the Andes since chewing gum was invented.

-Alfalfa Romero

Rare Asian Termite Eating Wal-Mart

(Montrose) One of this city’s cultural delights, the Super Wal-Mart, is at risk. The culprit is a rare Chinese termite that was most likely delivered in a shipment of Chinese goods pegged for sale at the discount spot.

Despite eternal claims to the contrary, the merchandising giant that anchors the bright lights of South Townsend Avenue, sells more foreign made products than American goods. The termites reportedly eat them all without prejudice…plus the bricks, the light fixtures, the ceiling and maybe the shoppers too.

County building inspectors are hesitant to declare the store a disaster area fearing loss of tax revenue and repercussions from Wal-Mart attorneys. Insiders say the place could collapse any time citing problems with the foundation and a growing number of caverns in the cirque huge parking lot which graces the front of the complex.

Local fumigators who have isolated the termite’s position promise to have the area sealed off by tomorrow or so. A comprehensive spraying campaign is expected to rid the town of the pest but it’s probably too late for Wal-Mart. Early warnings by insect control sources were ignored by middle management and several employees who blew the whistle on the termites were suspended without pay. Some face execution.

“We just hope the spray is effective in killing these destructive intruders,” said one technician. “If not we’ll have to use nuclear weapons. We have them over in Branson.”

Termites digest wood, paper and other products containing cellulose, with the aid of protozoa in their bodies. It is not known if a high incidence of cellulite in the consumer population  attracted the pests or if the insects were just plain hungry after the 30-hour flight from Asia.

– Margot Rotweiller

Field hippies needed to monitor subsidized farms according to the Agricultural Adjustment Act of 1938.

IN DEFENSE OF THE MOUNTAIN LION

by Rex Montaleone and Pauline Parvenu

Now, let’s see…magpies, malls, misappropriations, moon pies, mountain lions…ah…mountain lions…much maligned mountain lions…These proud cats of the Rockies have been the victim of bad press for centuries even carrying a stiff bounty on their heads until recent years. The adult cat, known as a puma, panther, cougar, catamount or El Leon in other parts of the Western Hemisphere may be either a gray color or a reddish or yellowish color called tawny. Its hairs are fawn-gray tipped with reddish-brown or grayish. He has no spots and in this way is different from his cousin the jaguar. The throat, the insides of the legs and the belly are white, and the tip of the tail is black. Some mountain lions are solid black but they are quite rare in the Southern Rockies.

Despite years of bad publicity there is no conclusive proof that the graceful mountain lion is a threat to livestock, unless of course he is hungry.

A full-grown animal may be over five feet long not counting the heavy tail that is usually two to three feet long. The heaviest lion on record weighs in at about 250 pounds. The body is slender and the legs are long. The head is round and rather small. As one can quite well imagine the mountain lion is a formidable foe on physical prowess alone. Combine his high intelligence and sly, methodical nature and any adversary, even a badger or wolverine, could have a major donnybrook on his hands.

Mountain lions have from one to five cubs at a time, which can be very taxing for the female. If a hiker comes across a female lion with cubs the best approach is to wave his arms and make noise. You will then appear larger and fiercer. If this doesn’t work you might try running like hell even though the lion will probably see that as a sign of fear and attack immediately. One good idea is to bring along an ample supply of raw meat in your backpack that could serve as a diversion in a tight spot. Mountain lions are generally timid when in the proximity of man and are less likely to attack than other cats such as the smaller lynx or bobcat.

Although mountain lions go to great lengths to avoid contact with man the population has grown steadily since the animal has been protected. Most Western states have a season on the lions but they are severely restricted. More cats are killed attempting to rustle livestock than are shot during bow and rifle season combined.

The cry of the mountain lion is wild and terrifying. It sounds like a woman screaming in pain. The animal also has a soft whistle call that can be quite unnerving to potential prey. Mountain lions hunt at night. Its chief prey are deer, followed by elk. On special occasions it kills a bighorn and if hungry enough will feed on small mammals, rodents, even skunks and porcupines. The cat generally keeps under cover while stalking its prey then suddenly leaps upon the animal breaking its neck and dragging it to the ground. Unfortunately most herd animals, including domestic ones, don’t have access to all this information or they certainly wouldn’t go out after dark.

Imagine living life as a sheep, in the strictly literal sense. You have just finished grazing on the side of a hill and are set for some shut-eye. The shepherd is already asleep and the moon is full. Off in the distance you hear a shrill cry. The rest of the herd is tense. In the shadows you can see the silhouette of the predator, creeping his way toward your flock. What is he after? Surely the shepherd will protect his sheep. Wait! He’s looking right at you! No, this just can’t be. You’re too young to die plus you’re scheduled for shearing on Monday! Look at those biceps. Oh no. It’s too late. He’s stepped up his pace. His claws are extended. He’s in the air. He’s got you…

How often do you think this bloody scenario occurs over the summer season when the woolies are up high and the mountain lion has expanded its hunting radius? Every night? Once a week? Once a month? Wrong! There are far more sheep killed on the highways than by the cats. Everyone, especially the crafty mountain lion knows that elk and venison are way better tasting than mutton. Lions who engage in this kind of roguishness are usually too old to catch anything else and are badly in need of a snack.

The mountain lion is an extremely social animal and lives in a den with its family, or pride until the young cubs are old enough to hunt for their own food. Actually observing a mountain lion in the wild can be a thrilling experience depending on your ranking on the food chain.

The human reaction to mountain lion forays is to mount a hunting party or posse and go out after the lion. This generally results in a lot of senseless wandering around the hills at night with whiskey and loaded rifles. Which lion is to blame for the crime? Can these trackers distinguish between a lion who was home in bed at the time of the infraction and the feline rascal who raided the herd? It’s not likely. Therefore it’s the old solution of an eye for an eye and the only accomplishment is often one less lion and no increased security for the sheep. One of our neighbors placed a series of spotlights around her corrals in an attempt to discourage further onslaughts but the mountain lion in attendance simply used the light to scope out the fattest prize and then dined by simulated candlelight.

Animal behaviorists stop short of suggesting that the mountain lions should police themselves regarding this grave matter. However, that is not a valid approach to the conflict. Many ranchers have employed llamas, dogs and high fences in an attempt to spare sheep a gruesome death but the cats are just too smart and too powerful. The core of the problem is simple enough: a herd of sheep is clearly defined as lunch buffet by mountain lions.

The cats sometimes kill calves and young horses. The largest variety of mountain lion has been given the scientific tag hippolestes, which translates as horse killer. This is a heartless misconception as more horses die each year of jockey abuse and rattlesnake bites than from lion attacks. Nobody calls the rattlesnake hippolestes. This, like most other things evolving from the human factor, is not fair.

As the mountain lion population increases so do these scrapes with the law. Efforts to pay the ranchers for losses have not worked. A plan to designate certain low grade sheep and cattle as official mountain lion cuisine has never gotten off the ground nor have the construction of mine fields since sheep are way dumber than most wild predators.

Mountain lions do a lot of good when left to their methods. Many have helped control the poodle population even on redwood decks of our Front Range sprawl. That takes some guts all right! Unlike bears, lions aren’t proficient dumpster divers, unlike coyotes they won’t keep a camper up all night and unlike deer they do not loiter on the highways at dusk and dawn.

Probably the most important contribution of the big cat is his inherent wildness. At a point where man is polluting his planet and manufacturing stress upon more stress, the presence of a beast like the mountain lion succeeds in giving us hope. Long after our species (and its livestock dependents) has burned itself out, the mountain lion will still be prowling these forests looking for a hot meal.

-Kevin Haley