All Entries Tagged With: "dining out"
Ice Park Officials Nix Skeet Shoot
(Ouray) Organizers of the January Ice Festival here say they have decided against including accessory competition in this year’s venue. Several fringe groups had suggested the addition of skeet shooting, an alpine marathon climb and even a paintball competition at the end of the closing ceremonies.
The skeet shooting, or trap shooting, as it is sometimes called was proposed by a local gun club which suggested that the inclusion might expand interests levels and draw a larger, more robust crowd to the ice park.
“They were serious,” said one climber. “They wanted to issue each climber a shotgun which would be slung over the shoulder while the ascent was on. At the appropriate moment clay targets would be flung into the air, presumably from metal-sprung traps on the adjacent rock wall and climbers would attempt to knock them out of the sky to score points.”
The athletic endeavor takes great skill and aptitude according to proponents of the expansion.
“We decided against the skeet-shoot competition due to concerns over noise and the safety of participants and audience members,” said the official. “The last thing we need up there is stray bullets or clay targets falling on someone.”
The marathon climb, an event suggested by the local mountain rescue team was tabled until next year due to private land access problems and U. S. Forest Service permits needed to proceed.
“The marathon would be constructed in a full circle with climbers covering some 120 miles of ice, which requires quite a lot of water,” continued the official. “This would allow us to include the communities of Telluride, Silverton and Lake City and create even more interest in our winter event.”
The official had no comment on rumors of paintball wars being included in the weekend’s activities.
Trousers Falling Down Syndrome Cripples Millions
Curse of ages or just gravitational pull?
“I’m a workin’ man Lawd, and a good un’ too. Why me and the boys built some of the finest roads in Georgia…”
– Chain gang song, 1894.
There are plenty of theories as to the instability of older men’s trousers – why their pants often fall down when they are engaged in physical labor. Too much belly and too little butt are common explanations as are wardrobe malfunctions and geometrical inattentiveness. Unsecured restraints have been linked to fit, level of exertion, material used and even to misdeeds in past lives. Most men, and a surprisingly small number of women, have experienced this bothersome status even if they don’t like to talk about it much.
As part of our ongoing mid-depth coverage of life’s classic annoyances we present the final segment of “Get Over It Big Mama and Little Daddy” where we dissect the often sensitive issue of TFDS*.
These men could use some suspenders, (also known as suit braces), long strips of fabric worn over their shoulders with the purpose of holding up trousers. They attach to common pants with either suspender clips or suspender buttons.
The average older man suffers more than a temporary inconvenience and a mark against self confidence when, while stacking wood, bucking hay or simply carrying groceries, his pants drop down, sometimes all the way to his bony knees. Is he less virile than his fellows? Is he still a viable force in attempts to complete beneficial physical movement? Is he still marginally attractive to women?
Belts that used to work are often abandoned at the waist. They used to function pretty well in the younger days but now they are worthless and better used around the neck or as visible threats to misbehaving grandchildren.
Experts say that daily squats help relieve the downward trend facing the older yet energized mini-project manager. Surely he can practice his primary gymnastics out of eyeshot of the more judgmental segments of society and reach true enlightenment. Walking is good too, they say, although it promotes friction which can lead to an unstable relationship with ones’ hips (see hip hop).
Some foods beneficial in creating a larger, almost designer butt, promote side effects like bloating and skin irritation. Directing the destination of calories from sweets and starch does not pose a problem since these energy values go right to the rotund region and cause many people to resemble hard-boiled eggs.
Physicians on loan from the prestigious Mao Clinic could not agree on all the symptoms much less a corpse of treatment. They remain united in the philosophy that higher elevations are unjustly blanketed with superstition since the mountain dweller’s pants do not fall any farther than those of an amateur lawn mower at sea level or a rookie retiree looking to pass the time more productively in the safety of his own backyard.
“Hey, it’s get our priorities straight here,” said surgical bellwether Marcelo MacTanife, whose herbalist tendencies landed him in the Carcel de Naturales back during the Hickenlooper Dynasty. “We have people with credit cards waiting for treatment and yet we focus on these whiners. Why can’t they stay inside and watch television or buy better underwear to prevent public humiliation? Why do you think so many popular cartoons characters appear without pants despite moral scrutiny and exclusion from the better restaurants? They may be only ink, but they often exhibit the classic freedoms that many of us only pine for under the lilac trees.”
Efforts to reach out to rappers, who originally legitimized the pants at half mast culture (Cultura de Trosieres Hermanos les Banderas Cortas), have fallen short short since urban Blacks no longer practice this odd behavior, yielding to its popularity in among White kids in the suburbs. These pathetic parrots can afford better boxers. Most interviewed said they had no interest in discussing the pitfalls of rural males of any color.
“We are not and have never been prepared to bore the already shell-shocked masses with a lengthy commentary on belly to butt ratios and a complex physics addendum,” said Dr. Ginny Export, who earned her degree in Divinity by reading cereal boxes and amassing the largest collection antique kneeling pews east of The Vatican.
Most people realize that the misuse of suspenders can be dangerous. Our reader is reminded that strap accessories are not intended as ropes, lariats, extension cords or skeletal devices. An elderly friend of ours recently spent three days tied up in his suspenders before the trash specialists responded to his pathetic pleas, found him and set him free.
As writer Robert Bacal puts it “I know. I know. There are bigger problems in the world. There are probably bigger problems in my own little life space. But damn it, I’m exhausted at the end of each day, after all the pulling and tugging at my trousers to keep them covering my SpongeBob boxer shorts from showing.” He continues his rant:
“My pants fall down. All my pants fall down. My jeans fall down. My sweat pants fall down. I tighten my belt until my belly flops over my waist band. My ankles hurt. I can no longer breathe. No go. That works for a few minutes, and then down they go. I’m old but I’m still fast. I still have the reflexes. So I’ve managed to avoid embarrassment and arrest so far. But only so far.”
Research repeatedly indicates that sitting on one’s easy chair, drinking beer and watching football avoids the same adverse slippage or and rarely presents the unsuspecting “laborer” with any chronic suspender maneuver. It may be the most logical course of action for the majority of aging handymen or affluent do-it-yourselfers.
The Suspender Line was first crossed by the radical thinker, Dr. G. Woelk of Cal Amari Institute. While noting that elk and moose almost never suffer from pants falling down syndrome (PFDS), he wrestled with conflicting maxims then tediously developed a postulate that embraces three realities: Gravity, the horizontal nature of the gluteus maximus, and padding above the belt. His somewhat juvenile, though grudgingly accepted formula is: C12H22O11.
THE BREAKTHROUGH INTRINSICALLY COORDINATES C TO O WHILE PASSING THROUGH H 22 TIMES. THE SUM THEN EQUALS THE APPROXIMATE TIME FOR PANTS TO FALL FROM THE WAIST TO THE SHOE LEVEL. IF ONE DIVIDES THE FINAL FIGURE BY THE NUMBER OF GAS STATIONS BETWEEN ANTONITO AND TAOS HE CAN DETERMINE HIS IQ WITHOUT LENGTHY COUNSELING AND/OR THE PAIN OFTEN ASSOCIATED WITH FOOL INJECTION.
A distinct curve, that follows a similar pattern as the Horn of Africa, accentuates gravitational pull. As one can clearly perceive from the above graph it has more to do with age than beauty.
Without losing sight of the social ills associated with this impropriety, diminished productivity at the workplace threatens to snuff out any of the scant progress chronicled since the election of Ronald Reagan (The Great Suspender).
Flat butt – culo fattee puffe proteges will be pleased with their elevated status while the great unwashed may continue to pull their pants up at every turn, privately complaining that “My ass isn’t holding up the rest of me.”
Yes, knuckle-dragging elements, still hinged to drawstring dogmas and fairy tales about wind resistance have been thoroughly discredited. Gas is not a help or hindrance in keeping pants in place, nor is spontaneous seduction.
And, as poet Jennings Lederhosen put it: We shall soon bear witness after bars close at night, to fraudulent boasts unmasked in dawn’s light.
EGGSACTLY. Whether you show up in clean bibs, kilts, a union suit or even if you put on your clothes with a pitchfork (insert canned laughter here) you can’t fight gravity. It lurks in every life, at every turn. It affects every gender. As one outspoken female source in Ouray explained it: “I already wear a damn bra. I’m not wearing suspenders too!”
In closing, writing stupid articles does not affect my own pants to waist status. Rarely do my pants fall down when I am sitting at my wormwood desk drinking a tumbler of Absinthe and coke from a tart filet of Calabrian wineskin. On weekends, papaya-laced vodka concocted from smart wool socks and the bark from a seeping hogshead bush (old English) goes a long way toward cementing incredulous beliefs that my gov’ment is competent and that it cares for my welfare.
PFDS is most common where most of the work is done with more progressive states often undressing the issues before the entire population is contaminated.
If nothing else, at least credit this account for not subjecting sound byte consumers to indiscreet photos of plumber’s crack or quick fix CBD (chronic butt delirium). In addition, we did not employ the word buttocks in this windy epistle, (preferring to let a sleeping marmot lie), and in crisp recognition that buttocks has become a fleshy target of standup comedians since Lenny Bruce and Caligula.
Issues to watch for now or in the immediate future: 1. the trusting reach 2. the two bag free carry 3. the Vaudeville stance 4. the hand to chainsaw drop 5. the alley-oop 6. the bend and drop 7. the fly tie ascension. We will discuss these curious standings in our next episode.
Endorsements
“Your article was amusing and informative but my pants still fall down all the time. Despite its impotent recommendations, impulsive gramar and imprudent advice I carry it with me everywhere I go.”
– Mr. Spleenjeans, Eldredge, Colorado
“Try duct tape. Try dynamite. Don’t be such a putz. If those don’t work consult Dip Advisor.”
– Peg Slacks, Gunnison.
“Elliptically speaking, the right angle of one’s derrière’ must be more than the compilation of belly pressure multiplied by the metric distance from the belt to the shoes. It’s quite simple really. In light of this, your article was nothing but elitist, scholastic double-talk.”
– Wolfgang Pockette, LaSal Junction.
Snow Driving Classes Offered For Latino Workers
(Gunnison) Gunnison County will begin offering winter driving classes Tuesday in hopes that visiting neighbors from south of the border might improve skills in this area. The classes, which are free to the public, legal or otherwise, will focus on safe operation of vehicles in snowstorms and icy weather.
The sessions will be held in English with expletives in Spanish for effect. County officials cited no particular increase in accidents involving people from Mexico and Central America who lack experience in negotiating winter conditions.
“If things seem too difficult to understand it makes them want to go poopy.”
– Lewis Black on Boobus Americanus
Christmas Planned Again for 2020
(New York) With the final approval of federal and state funding, it appears that consumers will again experience the holiday season next year. As recently as one week ago, with the private sector dragging knuckles on promises to match the assets accrued from a system of floating bonds and fool’s gold, things looked bleak.
Supporters of Christmas have been accused of using ancient guilt techniques and playing into fears of impending social disorder in the attempt to raise consciousness and, in turn, money toward the goal. They say that since the holiday has been around so long, it would only follow that it should be preserved both from a religious and a secular angle.
“Without the continued assistance of our state and federal bureaucracies, Christmas would be relegated to the status of say, Halloween or Valentine’s Day, at least from an economic viewpoint,” said Melvin Toole, founder and treasurer of Christmas ‘20. “We fully realize that these holidays are important but that economically speaking Christmas consistently kicks butt.”
Toole explained that year after year more money is circulated during the holiday season than on all the other holidays combined.
“Yes, flowers and candy generate substantial dollars, but that figure,” he smiled, “does not even come close to the money spent on worthless junk during the Yuletide. In addition, people will go without fireworks or cranberry sauce but then Christmas rolls around and the same people adopt an oh what the hell attitude and spend money they may not have.”
Toole thanked the credit card companies, the elevator Christmas carol pushers, the lumber industry, the makers of an assortment of pine sprays, the weather, the replacement Christmas light bulb concerns, Charles Schultz, the wrapping paper giants, the clever card writers union, Bing Crosby and Belle Toole, his wife of 133 years, for his recent ascension to greatness in the field of Christmas marketing concepts.
Although the exact amount of money needed to pull off Christmas next year has not been disclosed, conjecture has it that it is a whole lot more than was needed for Christmas 2019.
“It’s just more expensive to pull off than it was back in the Fifties,” harped Toole. “Why, insurance on Santa’s sleigh, reindeer rights, elf unions and the type of presents coveted by little kids put the fiscal motion of the celebration into outer space. Do people really think that just because Christmas is sacred that it can side-step reality? It’s a business, son. Nothing more and nothing less, at least from our perspective,” he frowned.
Toole added that Christmas ’20 would kick off on or about Thanksgiving Weekend and run through December, culminating on December 25, with the following week dedicated to getting over the entire experience in time for a New Year’s celebration.
“We hope to hold New Year’s on January 1 again so as to be in compliance with all the calendars printed in August,” he said.
– Al Kahall
“Experts have known for years what the United States must do: place a strong and steadily rising price on carbon dioxide emissions, invest heavily in clean-energy research and development, and make climate a top priority in international diplomacy. President Trump is instead denying the problem.” – Washington Post
Springtime all year round
Another cold, dark January day in Medellin, Colombia
Paisas, the Mountain People of the Colombian Cafetera
RUBBING SHOULDERS WITH AN ANDEAN CULTURE
The Departments of Antioquia, Caldas, Quindío and Risaralda identify as Paisa. These mountains are home to the hearty coffee-growers (and sometimes gold miners) who have called this spectacular place their home for centuries. Proud, smart, funny and generous, these friendly folks might check you out for a moment before smiling an approval.
In this respect they resemble the mountain people from the Rockies.
Always time for tinto
They take pride in colorful chivas. They don straw fedoras and ruanas, dote on their Andalusian horses and are certain their rum is the best on the planet. Everywhere the Paisas congregate tinto is the fare and ample time is set aside to sip Caldas or Medellin Rum. Years ago the two rums were distinct to two regions but now they are available in most of country. Residents claimed their particular rum was far and above the best, yet they coveted the other rum, you know, the one they couldn’t get down at their corner cafe.
“No prisa. No Prisa. No rush. Don’t hurry life,” they say in a variety of ways that culminate as a distinct language of its own. One day I was overcharged for a beer in the high altitude city of Manizales. My response was a resounding Ave Maria! at the escalated price. The kid behind the bar was surprised that I had such a dramatic command of the local lingo and a little embarrassed that he had tried to squeeze another $30,000 COP out of this gringo. He dropped the price to the usual one dollar, his hand still stuck in the cookie jar. I left the full fiscal modification as a tip.
Speaking Castilian is fun but talking Paisa is even better, if a bit challenging at times. Here is some of the more prevalent slang one might hear on the street:
chevere – nice, beautiful
charro – funny
la farra – the big party
pato – a stupid guy, a putz
guaro – short for aguardiente, an anise-flavored liquor literally translated as firewater
amanar – to be comfortable
bacano – an outstanding or pleasant situation
chimba – cool, nice
pola – beer
parce – dude
sizas – yes
Que mas? Literally What more? Translated as What’s up?
Uttered the morning after a night of drinking: No vuelvo a tomar! (I’ll never go back to drinking) to which the answer is usually Ja oilo (a kind of “I can’t believe it or “Hello? Wake up to reality”) from the Basques, a far-flung population well represented in Paisaland.
You’ll make more friends yakking in Paisa than in asking questions about Pablo Escobar, cocaine or civil wars. Have some respect for feelings here. Try not to be a pato and remember your own national dirty laundry is out there swinging in the breeze as well.
Now that we can talk…let’s eat!
Bandeja de Paisa. Desert anyone?
By far the most popular dish here is Bandeja de Paisa, an extravagant yet customary dish (see photo) for campesinos and moradores urbanos (country folk or city dwellers). It consists of carne molida (ground beef), avocados, morcilla (black pudding), chicharron (fried pork belly), chorizo, platano maduro (ripe plantains), beans and rice, and a vigilant arepa, all toped off with un huevo frito (a fried egg) and hogao (a delicious Colombian Criollo sauce). Buen provecho!
Keep it up and you’ll look like one of Colombian artist, Botero’s sculpted fatsos in no time at all.
A diverse musical experience graces the coffee region with salsa, merengue and cumbia on the dance card.
It’s difficult to say whether anyone is in the dancing mood after such a feast but it’s all waiting in the wings in the Land of 1000 Rhythms. Salsa, merengue and cumbia lead the pack. Favorite local pop musicians include Juanes and Lucas Arnau from Medellin, Andres Cabus from the coastal city of Barranquilla and Dolcey Gutierrez, a concertina virtuoso also from the Caribbean coast. The loco Gutierrez video “Pasame la lengua por los huevos” should not be missed.
Although these latter two entertainers are not really Paisas please don’t tell anyone here. Gutierrez explains it all in his rendition of “Ron por todo el mundo” which really doesn’t need further translation.
-Kevin Haley