All Entries Tagged With: "Crested Butte"
Wait no more, October 25
A glance to the sky, a spec of white snow The lifeblood of creatures above and below. Then came the deluge – a foot or so.
Colorado Barbers Cash In on Marijuana Harvest
(Not-In-Montrose-You -Don’t) Many Western Slope hair cutters are augmenting their incomes in the agricultural sector this fall by trimming marijuana plants.
The logical, symbiotic progression began last year and has taken off in 2020 due to the burgeoning demand for the product and the presence of an expert workforce needing to earn a few bucks before winter sets in.
The lingering virus and the beleaguered economy have disproportionately hurt barbers who generally welcomed the seasonal labor. Many expect to survive due to tolerance toward what was once seen as the devil’s weed.
“It’s clear that intimate services are not top priority these days,” said Belle Toole, a salon owner in Colona. “We had to do something. Then our Benevolent Brotherhood of Hemp Associates flew into action.”
Toole explained that many of the barbers had ever handled the crop but that after they got used to the stickiness and the aroma they chopped and severed and cut away.
Several stylists in the region can produce 3 pounds of clean bud in an eight-hour shift. Unlike hair on the floor syndrome, this bi-product can be used for cooking and industrial components, gradually replacing lumber, cotton, and even petroleum.
“Their work is of top quality and they bring their own scissors,” said one grower, happy to see the process run smoothly.
– Salvador “The Barber” Calabria
“I once yearned for justice. Now I just want a little mercy.” – Kris Kristopherson
Negotiations on Cannibal Statue Continue
(Lake City) Despite moral controversy, belt-tightening and outright threats from rogue militias, talks continue on the acquisition of a classic statue in Alferd Packer’s backyard.
The neoclassical ivory sculpture, the work of Leonard Kern who died in 1662, clearly shows a homo sapiens of some status chowing down on what appears to be a human leg while a smaller cherub presumably waits for scraps.
“To display a memorial to Colorado Cannibal Alferd Packer is simply in bad taste even after all these years and all the jokes,” said Wardeen Stenson, freelance pharmacist for the Slumgullion Region. “It praises the consumption of human flesh and has no place on our grocery list.”
Readers may recall that in1874, during an arduous trek across the San Juans in winter, Packer the mountain guide allegedly ate all the Democrats in Hinsdale County. Many residents favor the “subtle installation” of the late Renaissance statue at the softball field.
“Packer did time and is considered a dangerous criminal in the archives of state history,” added Stenson. “The last thing we need is to remind the tourists of his infamy.”
-Fred Zeppelin
“Do cannabis dispensaries require employees to take a drug test?” – Kid Reefer
Coming into Gothic
Once again autumn descends in the high country at Gothic.
RUSSIAN CREDITORS FORECLOSE ON AIR FORCE ONE
Russian loan sharks have seized an Air Force One airplane apparently used a collateral for a loan by President Donald Trump.
Snatching the plane, one of two highly customized Boeing 747-200B series aircraft, creditors in the service of unidentified Russian oligarchs say it is safe in an undisclosed location.
Trump appears to have made the deal on the evening of January 20 in January 2017, just hours after being inaugurated.
White House sources called the development “dubious at best”, continuing to separate themselves from the president, both physically and politically.
In addition to the aeronautical confiscation, agents from Turkey, maintaining that Trump has defaulted on further loans, have taken most of the patio furniture and a number of potted plants from the Rose Garden.
“We gave him a rebate and 36 months interest-free,” said one banker in Istanbul. “Sure he was high-risk but he’s got a line of crap that stretches from the Urals to the Pyrenees. With all the bankruptcies we should have known better.”
In other news: The long-awaited Kool-Aid Antidote is still months away say reality show doctors at the White House, who denied reports that Democrats would need a high capacity crawler crane to forcibly remove the “larger than life ex-President from the Pennsylvania Avenue property in January.
For more on this please see “Morals and Extraditions”
– Red Herring