All Entries Tagged With: "Congress Rescedules Colonostomies"

Congress Reschedules Colonoscopies Until After Midterms

(Warshington) The United States Congress today rescheduled a group colonoscopy for three days after the coming Mid-Term election. The sudden shift affects 50 senators and over 80 representatives.

“We have been on hold here since Obamacare was destroyed, so what’s another few months?” asked Winnie Kampachi (Unitarian-MT).

The reason given for the cancellations was quite vague as has become customary within the governing body. Some say the simple surgery will conflict with last minute campaigning while others expressed concern that their medical results may get lost in the mail now that the USPS has been downsized.

“Considering the scope of things here most of our “leaders” don’t want to be on-camera until they can better analyze the polls in the days preceding homecoming at their designated Electoral College,” she whinnied.

Politicians in the loser’s seat after November remain in heated debate over what constitutes a pre-existing condition and what is clearly cranium-rectal disorder, often treated with overpriced robber baron pharmaceuticals.

The Congress will not be in session on the day of the colonoscopies despite the fact that the intrusive checkup is an outpatient procedure.    

– Hal A Butt

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Saint Donald (also known as Donald of Ogilvy) is an 8th Century Scotish poet, remembered for living a holy monastic life alongside his nine daughters, who are known as the Nine Maidens. His feast day is celebrated every year on July 15. Thank you for your attention on this matter. Those of you who have been taking notes must discard them immediately. They cannot be taken out of your cell and most certainly not to the exercise yard. 

– Hats off to Thomas Hobbes RIP , philosopher and political theorist, who close associates report “became a petty theif in his older years (He lived to be 91), consistently exhibiting the behavior of a polecat at every turn. Local custom has it that he was nearly run over by a dung cart near Hardwick Hall in 1677 but survived. Two years later his last words had something or other to do with “natural order'”.