All Entries Tagged With: "Cleanliness is next to Godliness when it comes to cars"
Drivers of spotless cars will get priority boarding at Heaven’s Gate
(Montrose) Licensed drivers who maintain clean vehicles while on earth could be shepherded into heaven in “an ecclesiastic priority line” if their cars meet stringent cleanliness requirements.
While the faithful will not be allowed to enter paradise with their cars (or guns for that matter) the angels are watching the level of automotive stewardship and compiling dossiers on those deemed worthy of an eternity of bliss.
“Zion, Valhalla or Kingdom Come, no matter how you slice it, provides specific guidelines as to how to champion the spic and span mode, said a gatekeeper. “Some call it an immaculate conception while we see it as pristine and hygienic.”
Almost of us know the promised land reserves the right to withhold or deny services to souls deemed unfit or unrepentant. These folks must run through a car wash or two in places like Purgatory before reapplying for admission to heaven.*
A clean car, according to the heavenly hosts, is one that is washed repeatedly, dried with approved cloth and regularly waxed. Lubricants such as windshield wash and operational fluids must never dip below accepted standards and no trash or scattered tools can be present. Tire pressure and climate control are only considered as a tie-breaker and problems are often overlooked if the transportation is tidy.
Often lambasted for parking restrictions, security personnel remind us of limited parking and a the atrocious system of one-way streets up there.
“Imagine if every soul had a car inside these walls,” said one. “We would all be sitting in traffic for what seems like an eternity. There is no such thing as carte blanche when it comes to witch burnings or inquisitions. We examine every case individually from birth to death. Tips are encouraged.
– Tommy Middlefinger
