All Entries Tagged With: "banks closing yesterday"

Banks to close yesterday

The more than 41,874 banks within the political confines of the United States have closed their doors forever starting yesterday morning. An exact time was not forthcoming as an air of secrecy permeated the scene, one of panic and despair, in most cities and towns across the continent.

     There will be no epic run on the banks like in other manipulated crashes in the past. A run is impossible since there is no one at the teller post, and no inside the buildings at all. They have gone.

     “We have most of the money so why should we open our doors to the public? They just come in and distract us from counting our money.” said Sycamore Sycophantee, the latest nincompoop in a line of Federal Reserve lackeys, and son of Reynaldo Preacher Sycophantee, the avowed patriarch of bankings’ most notable family tree, the Arepa Birch.

     In the unprecedented action all savings accounts and checking accounts will be frozen and drained. ATM machines will not function and all CDs have been sucked dry. The status of other more substantial investments will be determined by the client-banker relationship forged over time.

     A spokesman for the Federal Reserve told reporters, “We’re as surprised by all of this as you are. Give us a little time to sort things out. We’ll get back to you.”

     The source echoed prior threats that persons engaged in unsympathetic behavior toward the money institutions could face prosecution.

     “It’s still your money, folks,” said one banker. “You just can’t use it.”

     The now deserted office buildings will house the homeless while automatic teller booths will be turned back into fuzzy caterpillars.

– Susie Compost

Heard this from somebody else

A metaphor for something misguided, absurd, ultra ridiculous:

This is the equivalent of pooping in your pants then going home and changing your shirt.