SUPER MOSQUITO DEVELOPED

Special from The Juneau What

(Skagway AK) It will take more than a SWAT team to get rid of pesky mosquitoes in the future, according to Dr. Ralph “Needlenose” Schtinkter, a researcher at the King Albino Crab Laboratory here, who claims to have developed the first repellent-resistant mosquito.

     We’ve been working day and night to cross-breed over 37 different gnats, deer flies, mosquito and hornets to come up with a buzzing parasite one simply can’t kill,” said the doctor.

     “Normal pesticides and sprays have little or no effect plus we’ve even quasi-engineered their flimsy little bodies so they can literally bounce back after being slapped flat by a swat or a newspaper,” he continued.

     The laboratory has been running three shifts daily so as to be ready by the start of summer tourist season. Schtinkter complimented his staff on its work under extreme pressure saying that dedication like this is rare.

     “But the best thing about all this is that our super mosquito no longer needs to breed in standing water. Now the little sucker can breed anywhere!”

     According to fellow scientists in Alaska the new breed will also boast a lifespan of over 150 years, close to double that of your everyday human.

     “If he’d only used his genius for good instead of experimental insect cloning we might be seeing an enormous wheat harvest, expanded rice reserves or larger sheep,” said one critic, “but that is not the case. It is clear that the chemical companies have him in their back pockets.”

     If final numbers match up the bionic mosquito crop will be disbursed southward, thanks to a system of industrial fans stretching from Yakutat Bay to the Aleutian Islands. They are expected to mate with the existing population, adopting genetic superiority and thriving on the plethora of unprotected mammal victims.

     “What their presence could do to the killer bees, or the price of petrol is anyone’s guess,” said one researcher.

“Less than a quarter of Americans expect A.I. to have a positive impact on K-12 education, arts and entertainment, how people do their jobs, the economy, personal relationships or happiness over the next 20 years.” – Oren Cass, NY Times