SUMMER HOROSCOPE

Welcome to another stroll through the cosmic greenbelt. Be assured that the validity of the following is on par with the validity of other sacred institutions and beliefs that brush against you like a yellow-eyed feline on the back porch of the stars. Keep in mind that, in an attempt to maintain the dim-witted flow, our forecasters use only pre-World War I field glasses, great wings of wax, solar-powered probing devices and the power of two thousand crumbling ancient Roman aqueducts to formulate our appraisals. For best results apply variables from your own star sign and allow the others to feast on their own leftover stew. Do not iron. Skipping signs, cutting in line or impersonating signs other than your own will be dealt with harshly in the celestial finale, which we estimate may occur any minute now. Allow horoscopes to stand/cool for fifteen minutes before opening.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Instincts of the juvenile variety may come to fruition by limelight. The smutty, orifice orchestra is not welcome in most civilized locales. There is nothing all that funny about loud burping or flatulent elevator jokes. Lady Luck’s attraction will soon melt away like ice on a summer sidewalk. But why not enjoy the ride. It’s better than pitching pennies at the ball and chain polka. Curious odors in the refrigerator could mean a night out with friends. Expound on the virtues of weight loss. Tonight: Burning tires in the streets sends a strong message.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

In grasping the jungle pecking order it all comes down to perception. Ruffling a few feathers should not be out of one’s repertoire. Earwax analysis is helpful in small doses but has its limits. You may connect again with a Taurus and/or a two by four. With an elevator ticket why take the stairs? Circuitous routes may draw attention in the center ring. Beware of downsizing purveyors of good fortune and venomous reptiles. Cupid may take an occasional look up your skirts/kilts during the warmer weather. Simply ignore him and he will go away. Tonight: Take a number, Bozo.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Skirt ticklish situations. Thinking on your feet allows for a quick, tactical retreat at a moments notice. Windows of opportunity may be covered in cheap plastic curtains through the end of the month. Deal with adversities as you would with a sticky deck of cards. Are pedicures legal in Tehran? Hire out all ugly, unpleasant tasks while embracing delightful endeavors. Why carry that weapon around if nobody can see it? Use your nice person voice when chastising houseplants. Tonight: Gin and prune juice at twenty paces.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Keep your eyes on the horizon and your ears to the ground. Cosmetic surgery may not compensate for an in-your-face disposition. Pay attention to mixed trends. Take monetary advice to heart only if accompanied by a cash advance. Eternity is often over-rated by people who are uncomfortable with mortality. Copernicus was a heretic. The sun revolves around the earth and the earth revolves around you. Enjoy initial strolls through first class seating. It is probably as close as you will ever get to the good champagne. Tonight: Read the manual again.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Idyllic temptations cannot be life threatening if you never leave the couch. Eroticism is an art, not a science. Always be on the lookout for a better lookout. If your right flank is exposed, shift artillery accordingly. When it comes to voicing opinions, condensed doesn’t have to mean diluted. Watch out for rogue spokes even in the positive cycle. Wash all whites separately. Write off detractors. Cultivate patience with a backhoe. Is it bad luck to walk under the ladder to success? Tonight: Tattoo removal is nothing to take lightly.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

If bad habits were secure collateral, you could take out a fifteen-year mortgage on a new personality. Get some exercise this afternoon by walking down to the bar for a change. If you have been thinking about committing yourself to some kind of cause or campaign why not go the full gambit and commit yourself to an institution. They often have kitchens, nice lawns and a place to sleep. Speak clearly when using other people’s credit cards. The best time for dieting appears to be next year. The best time for romance was last year. Tonight: The best offense is a good pretense.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

It is your responsibility to make sure that your love life/relationship/marriage does not become tedious/mundane. Variety is the answer/key. Tonight why not try apologizing/making up first and fighting later. If a business partner/client is off the wall put him/her/it through the wall at earliest convenience. Use lots of slashes and other odd punctuation throughout the summer. It will either confuse and/or impress. This is a recording. Chip shots in blinders but keep eyes wide open during time on the green. Tonight: Silly songs keep away relentless ghosts.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Keep a tight grip on yourself through the 19^th. Perceptions of entitlement may not gel with the realities of documented social status. Conditions have a direct bearing with conditions. Landing heads up has little to do with common sense. Your underwear may be made in China. When all else fails, trust your suspenders. A lover’s triangle could turn full circle when the multiplication tables are askew. All misunderstandings can be settled with the application of a little old-fashioned logic, but learn to duck just in case. Reward small animals generously. Tonight: Promises in the dark may net strict commitments at first light.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Get off the grid. Quit your job. Stop paying bills. Staying even is the same as broke when it comes to bank statement bingo. Worrying about your happiness is like drinking wheat bread. When all the bossman jobs are taken it’s time to abandon the blueberry patch. The mid-afternoon advances of a salty Neptune could leave a bad taste in your mouth come dinnertime. What weighs the most: A pound of feathers or a pound of conviction? Do creatures that hatch actually have birthdays? Tonight: It’s normal for the car wash to close at dark. It’s not about you.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. What matters is that you’re not doing anything.  Today is perfect for making cookies in the kitchen or bombs in the basement. If fiscal worries have you singing the blues try peddling your personal version with a country twang. People actually buy that kind of garbage. Remember: The first step to solving any problem is to deny it. Limit other vocal arrangements to the shower. Get to know your limit when eating and drinking by consistently eating and drinking your limit. Tonight: Spend quality time with your woodpile.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Your intrinsic hunter/gatherer instincts are in full swing this week. Don’t attempt to fight it. Hunt and gather till you puke. Pigeons may mistake you for a statue. Dogs may mistake you for a fire hydrant. Stay away from garbage cans when the noisy trucks are in that neighborhood. Go ahead and lie to yourself. Everyone else is doing it. Give yourself a little credit for what you have already accomplished. A little humor could break the ice with strangers while out angling on the frozen lakes of desperation. Tonight: The Pope is at Nascar. Now what?

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Hibernation is socially acceptable just so long as you brush your teeth afterwards. There are days when nothing goes right no matter how hard you try and other days when everything goes right even though you don’t try at all. Stay in bed till mid-afternoon then check the mail for goodies. Distinguish between your worst friend and your best enemy. Maybe they are the same person. If the sun is reluctant to shine down on you try adjusting your blinders. Many doors will open for you this month, letting in little more than an annoying draft. Whittle. Tonight: Swoon.

– Kashmir Horseshoe, sluice box alchemist, weekend conjurer, kinetic kingfish, pawn to the elements