Paper Pledges to Investigate Fictitious Characters

(Ouray) Editors at a local paper here have promised to step-up background checks on an assortment of fictitious characters. It is feared that many of the made-up personalities, that wander the streets of Ouray, and the pages of the San Juan Horseshoe may be wanted felons, suspected terrorists and other deviants deserving of justice.

In the past the paper has not taken these personalities seriously seeing them as simply fictitious, with silly names, incapable of acting on their own. But now, with increased security, phone tapping, detainments and sophisticated witch hunts it has become clear that these pretend people could be a threat.

“We’ve got flags up everywhere so nobody will think we’re not cooperating with King George,” said one editor. “No one is beyond suspicion.”

Critics of the paper say the investigations are only a smoke screen aimed at taking heat off a bucolic editorial policy centered on little or nothing. In defense of policy, one editorial page piece suggests that the American people have been in the political darkroom for so long that they “can no longer tell boiled eggs from electric eels.”

“It’s the perfect opportunity to show our patriotism,” said the editor. “We are in compliance with the federal charade. They make it look like they have matters in hand. We make it look like we’re getting tough with pretend people. Everybody’s happy. The nice thing here is that we don’t have to have executions or military tribunals–We just stop writing about them and they just go away.”

In a related development many in the local media here favor a plan that would put burned-out INS agents in more manageable positions in federal airport security.

“Despite the fact that the agency failed miserably in the area of security prior to September 11 we think they’ll make a fine addition to our newly emerging team,” said one former INS agent turned metal detection specialist. “OK, so a few dozen terrorists slipped by us at the border…that don’t make us bad people.”

Sources at The Horseshoe told reporters that all of its fictitious characters have legal alien status with current visas updated.

Coming up: Executives at the paper plan to form a inter-office agency dubbed Operation Paper Cut, to combat terrorism in the office.

– Lawrence Elk