Monforts challenged to over 800 duels in 2025

(Greeley) Federal and state police have arrested or detained some 3,000 Colorado Rockies fans accusing most of making public threats and heated, often vulgar suggestions. Some 800 of these unhappy fans have been charged with challenging one or more Monforts to an assortment of duels.

Dueling, which has been illegal since the American Civil War, follows strict etiquette and, sadly often results in the death of one of the participants. It is generally viewed as a question of honor and a last resort in deciding a plethora of grievances. Traditionally duels are fought at dawn with only the shooter’s seconds, a physician and a limited audience standing by.

However, all duels are not fought in such civilized manners. Of the 800 threats some 150 were to be carried out with more modern pistols, another 35 with shotguns. Keystone gladiators also cried out for satisfaction with swords, axes, dart guns, bows, meat cleavers, and yes, a Louisville Slugger or two.

Of the 800 persons of interest police say 50 were quite prepared to meet the meat (in reference to Monfort feedlots). These angry baseball enthusiasts boasted pistols ensconced in tasteful hardwood boxes, often featuring a family logo or monogram of century-old shooting clubs. The weapons, often single-shot flintlocks or black powder almost always come in pairs, perfect for a morning gunfight.

One woman said she hoped to fight it out with whichever Monfort has the guts to show up. She says that while dueling may not solve anything it remains a matter of honor to many Coloradans. Her instrument of assault was a sharpened femur from a dead bovine that many cheered as quite appropriate.

“I feel the slap of the glove across my face every time the Rockies blow a lead or strike out with the bases loaded,” she said. “We deserve better. Unless we see a change of ownership we will continue to experience this passive-aggressive emptiness that will eat us up like overpriced beers and hot dogs.”

Brothers Charles and Richard Monfort purchased the Colorado Rockies baseball team in 1992. 

-Rocky Flats, Sports Editor

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