Honor Student Stickers Stolen

(Montrose) Some 300 blue and white bumper stickers declaring “Columbine Honor Student Parent” are missing from the middle school’s vault according to insiders there. It is feared that the stickers, which are awarded to students who make the school’s honor roll, have been circulated among lower achievers.

     “It’s getting so you don’t know who to believe,” said one source at Columbine. “The Columbine is the state flower and was once a trusted symbol of Colorado of beauty and excellence.”

     Status symbols and Colorado souvenirs in general demand a high price on the thriving Black Market as several have been sighted as far away as Corrales, New Mexico. It is not known if this current crisis is related to a string of 2022 felonies where crooks, armed to the teeth with high-grade explosives, systematically dismantled entire bumper mechanisms to get at the coveted stickers.

     Residents are asked to report any scandalous display of these sticky accolades by persons who appear clearly incapable of spawning an honor student. Authorities ask that citizens do not attempt to apprehend these callous persons or to confiscate their ill-gotten kudos. Instead concerned residents are asked to jot down the license number of the offender and call police.

 -Zorro DesPlants