Council recommends counseling

Bears – Potentially Violent Pests

The Crested Butte Town Council has passed a resolution which prohibits bear from plundering the town limits and, in cases where authorities are forced to anesthetize the animals, provide professional counseling for bears caught trespassing. The new ordinance calls for bears caught in the act of eating garbage, berries or birthday cake to undergo six weeks of counseling and submit to drug testing.

Sociologists from Boulder will be in town on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 11am to 3 pm and all wild animals that are experiencing trauma are invited to stop by.  All leash laws will be suspended for the entire population until further notice.

One incident, where a 500-pound black bear was captured in a local fudge store, perched on a counter seat munching on candied apples, magnified the danger inherent in a hungry bear population.

Sources within the walls of this storied city tell us that bear have been known to respond to behavior modification and therapy such as bass fishing and role playing. Most suffer from lower level schizophrenia, passive-aggressive  tendencies and anger issues.

“But mostly they are hungrier than you or I can imagine,” said Eunice Pelt. “Imagine filling up a body like that on berries. No wonder they love beer nuts and cereal.”

“This is the 21st Century! We will not be held hostage by bruins. There are millions of acres to roam,” said one councilperson. “Can’t the bear go there?”

Experts from the Rocky Mountain Biological Laboratory to the Roaring Fork Fish Hatchery say the bear will be a problem until it gets cold and they all go to bed.