All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

WEST WING FLINGS

In a departure from our rigid policy of ignoring those currently residing in the White House we present a recap of recent aggression and sociopathic behavior there.

Trump Nominates Self For Supreme Quart

In an attempt to create what he describes as continued job securiy in the federal government president Donald Trump today nominated Donald Trump for the vacant seat on the Supreme Court. “Think of the deals I can make from the high seat,” he smiled. “I look terrific in black.” Close aides showed their loyalty to this flim-flam chief executive by enthusiastically backing his choice. Rumors circulating Pennsylvania Avenue say he hopes to have a planet named after him before leaving the post.

Trump backtracks on golf lessons for refugee children

(Key Lardass) Despite promises to teach every detained Latin child the insides of golf, Donald Trump has now rescinded the offer saying none of them had clubs or shoes. Even their parents (many who have not seen their kids for weeks) have proper golfing gear. Initially the president would have been joined by daughter, Ivanka and son-in-law Jared Kushner but they have been scratched off the members list…persona non grata to a two-faced father.

“The President fears that the two will be in jail and prefers his heralded go-it-alone posture on the links,” said one spineless Republican, who demanded anonymity. “I’ve got to give it to him: Anyone who can play that much golf and still run the country has my blessing. Heck, even Ike didn’t accomplish that feat.”

In what may be a related link the White House has yet to confirm that Donald Trump would caddie for Vladimir Putin if the latter visits the US this fall.

Panic in Chinatown

(San Francisco) The impact of the much publicized trade war has caused erratic behavior here as the price of egg rolls had tripled. In the rest of the country: Bud Lite will soon cost $35 for a 12-pack, and NASCAR tickets will cost 60% more. “Make America Great” caps (made in China) will be out of the reach of most Trump supporters who will be the first to suffer from the imposed tariffs. Big Macs are expected to follow suit with burger heads paying up to $15 for their non-nutritional fix.

Guns and ammo prices will stabilize since they are currently made in the U.S. That too may change if the companies flee the country to stay in the black. Harley-Davidson manuals will be printed in French and German only as the company relocates to Europe due to tariffs on imported steel.

“We’re holding out own for our supportive base,” said White House Mess Secretary, Sarah Serra Huckleberry.

A hurriedly hatched billion-dollar federal program to bail out soybean farmers after prices crashed has been lambasted from every side and, according to financial experts “shows no understanding of high school economics which may appeal to Trump loyalists.”

Late last night a tweet from the White House said “Only losers eat soybeans.”

Surviving the Summer

Tips for insects

with Carl Cutworm, Ph.D., BFD, LSMFT.

Greetings fellow bugs! Ants, grasshoppers, earwigs, white flies and Boxelders. We’re talking to you. This month we will focus on how to stay out of the path of humans this summer and thus how to survive until fall. Keep in mind that, although incidental contact itself with these strange creatures can be deadly, many of these people are actively out to get you. While most of us are forced to co-exist with these brutes of the planet a little common sense and applied knowledge can make the difference between eradication and the big buzz.

First off, one has to understand the long history of animosity between bugs and people. Flying or crawling we always seem to get in their way. While some of us sting and some of us bite most of us a harmless enough and just want to be left to our own devices. Scenario: An innocent boxelder takes a wrong turn and ends up in some country kitchen. Instead of carefully escorting the hapless insect out the door the human steps on him, squashing him so that even his closest family member cannot recognize him.

It’s murder! It’s cold-blooded but the hand that wields the fly swatter rules the world. We all know that. Often insect intruders are met with sprays, powders and blows to the head. They say we deserve it in that they don’t buzz around our faces or crash our picnics. How do they know? How many ants are crushed when a human walks across his lawn? How many hornets are baked or smothered when caught in a human’s car on a hot day?

There are no fool-proof answers to this life and death riddle but here are a few tips: 1.) Avoid crowds. People often gather in tight spots leaving no clear escape route for us.  2.) Watch out for open doors and windows. What you seek inside may not be worth it. 3.) The night time is the right time. Bugs have the advantage after dark. 4.) Always look up. Even though humans tend to charge, then retreat the attacks usually come from overhead. 5.) Stand your ground. In many cases they are more afraid of us than we are of them.

From our perspective crashes into windshields at 60 miles per hour, sticking to fly paper or ending up on the wrong side of a shoe cannot be countered, but one does not have to put himself at further risk. Know where you are and plan an escape route. Don’t travel in the company of other bugs…you make an even bigger target. Vary daily routines. Try to show a little control: What bug can so no to a juicy burger or a sweet dessert left out? Tempting as these victuals can be they are dangerous. It’s always better to wait until people throw out scraps and then hit the garbage. For some reason they are not as sensitive about that.

Some insects, like flies, give us all a bad name. I for one could give a tinker’s damn when I see a fly get smashed or even caught in a spider’s web. They are bastards, all. Be aware too that, like the spider, there are plenty of other insects out there that will do you harm. Take for instance the Assassin Bug or the Lady Bug. They are in cahoots with the powers that be and can spell instant death for the unwary. Stop fighting amongst yourselves. If we all stick together we can defeat the oppressor. Remember: In the end, after the humans destroy themselves, we shall inherit the earth, not just cockroaches and beetles, but all of us. Be patient.

In closing we would like to remind all of you that humans are way uptight about us eating their plants or laying eggs in the soil. Although these are perfectly natural acts they can get you real dead. Of the multitude of sprays watch out for Bacillus thuringiensis, Neem oil, 1600 X-clude, Pyrethrum spray and assorted fungicides. Contact with these and other chemicals often prove disastrous. Sure, the humans use organic methods to try to run us off. Teas, garlic, horseradish, fertilizers, soaps, pineapple weed or sagebrush extract are gentle to plants but can disorient most insects, leaving them spaced out and easy prey for predators. Why do they like their plants so much. And what’s  with this affinity for birds? They just crap all over everything. At least we’re a bit discreet.

Next month: Sociopathic Gardening. Passive aggressive methodologies that get results: “Accelerated growth in spring – watching them die in the fall.” Don’t miss it!

Trout and Kokanee Pursue Refugee Status

(Gunnison) After years of dry conditions culminating in serious drought even the water is dry. Trout and salmon in local rivers have applied for emergency refugee status demanding to be relocated to wet environs even those experiencing flash floods and deluge.

The fish reportedly feel helpless under present conditions and prefer to tough it out in extreme conditions so long as the water is there to serve their needs. Most are good swimmers. A decrease in the number of refugees accepted into the country, while not adversely affecting fish in turmoil, has dominated thinking on the matter and leaves the cold-blooded vertebrates without a champion to advance their position.

One Department of Interior spokesperson at Almont responded to the desperate plea by saying that the fish “knew what they were getting into when they took the bait. Maybe they should set up offshore locations like we do. It sure beats following the rules established for the mainstream, Get it?”

– Small Mouth Bess

White Neighbor Calls Cops on Black Teens For Listening to Country

(Abundance Hails) An elderly woman called 911 on Saturday after “shocking behavior” in her alley. She says the intrusion, allegedly by Black youths, left her in fear of her life.

As she describes it: “Those kids, those noisy, c-c-col…Black kids were out in their alley garage playing Merle Haggert and Tammy Wynette real loud. I said to myself, “That ain’t rap or hip hop…so something must be wrong.  They are guilty of something. I better call the law. They take over the alley. The have those big handlebar bicycles. Some even drive cars and go to school. They talk funny to my cats…”

The police arrived moments later and determined that the youth were not disturbing the peace and tranquility of the landscape. They searched the garage anyway while flashing lights threw the bouncing beams of serve and protect. All they found of interest was a Miles Davis CD which they kept as evidence of having responded on the scene. After a stern warning the heat dissipated and the kids went home.

Meanwhile the neighbor, whose name was not released because she is quite wealthy, is under observation at St Roscoe’s Commercial Hospital. She is said to be worth in the deep millions and does not pay taxes because she’s been declared incontinent.

Her 17 cats, that she claims are not hers, were captured inside the house using snake charming techniques digested on the erotic Irrawaddy earlier in the century. Most are incarcerated inside the ATM machine at the woman’s bank. Customers report receiving a kitty with their withdrawal, a development that moved some and angered others.

Friends say the woman who called the cops does not leave her house and has not for 20 years since the death of Billy Ed, her favorite milking goat. It was the ravenous appetite displayed by Billy Ed that convinced her to give up trying to grow a lawn and instead cover her impressive expanse with paper clips in 2009. She stays inside watching TV news, talk shows, professional wrestling and pharmaceutical commercials, then goes to bed.

“No wonder she’s nuts,” said one resident. “She even gets her groceries delivered from over in Saskatoon and doesn’t drive anymore thank goodness. She began to go downhill fast when she gave up liquor. There are lots of people like her all over this great culture waiting for the last bus ride up the hill. What a waste.”

Meanwhile the father of one of the Black youths was reportedly floored by the accusations.

“It could have been worse. They could have been listening to Carrie Underwood , Hank Williams Jr. or even Elton John. Now that’s white music,” he said.

“Country has its place. I listen to Patsy Cline everyday. Now that music has soul. Some weekends I have a serving of Johnny Cash right alongside my Charlie Pride,” he said.

(Editor’s note: Reported Miles Davis tunes emanating from the lit up police cruiser caused onlookers to wonder aloud if this was somehow connected to what promises to be an ongoing investigation.)

Erectile dysfunction up 37% since January

(Minneapolis) Despite the passive-aggressive machismo, the nation is full of inept and clumsy lovers say doctors at the renown Mao Clinic here. Data collected, linking age to alcohol intake and after-dinner affections to thee-martini bed burner acrobatics, suggests that the situation is quickly deteriorating in an arena that few are willing to discuss openly.

“This performance was enabled when a top-ranking politician paid for sex and then lied about his escapades,” said one resident behavioral physicist on loan from Cal Polygamy Institute in Toronto. “We cannot clearly determine what that darkness might have generated when tossed out like pigeon feed to an already shell-shocked male population. When people easily accept what has always been immoral behavior as normal behavior they give up a part of themselves.”

Dr. Grace Ballgame fears that the situation is growing worse by the day. She warns of rampant denial, society’s acceptance of foreign stimulants, guilt, selfishness, expectation and the assorted hard copy of computer porn.

“All the fake bravado spewing up from Hell’s well is shaking the very foundation of what it means to be a functional male,” she continued. “Replacing love with lust is like replacing patriotism with slogans and jingoism. Even these people know the difference. They just want to blame someone in and out of the bedroom.”

Detractors of this and any other studies say it is simply a coincidence that the numbers jumped so dramatically in January in conjunction with feeble, unsubstantiated White House threats aimed at minorities, aliens, traditional allies, liberals, journalists, gays, Democrats, China, women, Canada and unions.

Sources inside the White House chose not to comment on the haunting analysis.

– Gabby Haze

“Well your blessed I guess

from never knowin’ which road you’re chosen.

To you the next best thing

to playin’ and winnin’ is playin’ and losin’.”

– from “The Lucky One” by Alison Krauss

Ouray News Legend First Turned Down Laker Offer

(Elk Meadows) Recognized as the best player in the world by many Labrawn James penned yet another lucrative contract this week but many say he was second fiddle to a Ouray County scribe.

Confirmation that former Plaindealer publisher David Mullings had scoffed at an offer sheet from the Los Angles Lakers has leaked out through the forest up here. His rejection of a 4-year $54 million contract stunned friends and colleagues but Mullings remains unmoved by the proposal.

Clear disclosures that Mullings received the offer first have rocked the usually stable basketball hierarchy. Stark realization that Cleveland Cavalier great Labran James only signed after the journalist rejected the deal, may shed light on the future of the sport

And in the ashes of what is evolving into a bigger drama Mullings says he might opt to play bocce ball in Colombia at a fraction of the pay. His best-selling novel “Roll”, which chronicles the sport from its beginnings in Calabria, is already in its second printing.

Mullings’ agent, Rebecca Pencilskirt, a Medellin attorney told reporters in Denver that her client would be a welcome addition to any one of the city’s squads.

“He was afraid that the money would taint his way of life and put him out of touch with the common man,” said Pencilskirt, like Mullings a former Lobo.

“Sometimes windfalls hit you up the side of the head and other times they just blow by, she shrugged. “Pro bocce ball is played only on Sunday in the Antioquian Leagues which would then allow more free time for other pursuits on the field of play.

– Rocky Flats