All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
SNOWPACK ABNORMAL
Colorado residents and their guests are reminded that the current snowpack levels are unstable at the present time, exhibiting acute schizophrenic tendencies coupled with clinical brushes with chronic obsessive-compulsive behavior. Along with these classic maladies, we are observing a serious psychotic break with reality brought on by a tedious, often painful meltdown. In short, the snowpack has been cornered by a dysfunctional weather system that has left it climate-challenged and mildly neurotic.
Despite attempts to control this natural shift toward complete mental collapse by the application of drugs and an agenda of structured activities, the situation appears beyond help. The uninitiated are hereby warned to avoid contact with the snowpack and refrain from pointing, staring and snapping pictures of the subject during this seasonal duress.
ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT MISSING FUNDS
(Gunnison) The general accounting department at Western State College cannot account for more than $1.4 million dollars collected from a dorm bake sale in August.
“This is embarrassing,” said one faculty advisor. “What kind of an example are we setting for these kids. I’m sure it’s just an oversight but nobody needs publicity like this.”
According to administration source the money turned up missing after a dinner honoring 119-year-old alumnus Ernest Walpole, credited with designing the first recreational vehicle.
It is surmised that the funds were simply switched with the $23 collected at the honorarium. Maybe.
“All those cigar boxes look alike,” said one clerk who wished to remain unnamed. “How can we watch every penny?”
The district attorney is looking into charges that the funds were lost in a poker game with the Adams State debate team on Wednesday.
Meanwhile students are expected to reject a referendum that would allow Taco Bell and Sonic Burger 24-hour access to the turn-of-the-century chemistry lab. In a hotly contested campaign the fast food franchises had offered gold passes to prospective supporters. Hopped-up thugs continue to roam the campus this morning looking to prevent a high voter turnout.
– Rocky Flats
“The comfort of the rich rests upon an abundance of the poor.” – Voltaire
Vietnam Nudges Colombia in Ugliest Dog Competition
(Seoul — Why You Say Dawg News) — As of five o’clock the Republic of Vietnam has pulled ahead of perennial champion, Colombia and longtime powerhouse Grenada in the once prestigious International Ugliest Dog Pageant held in Seoul, Korea.
Angry critics insist that opening kennel doors to cats has lowered the stauture of the event causing it to lose it’s luster in the wake of what they call the diluted nature of today’s contest.
“Grandmother” (Ba) of Hoi An, is quick to point out that she has never been a contestant in the Ugliest Dog Pageant. She has however coached three of her colleagues to various honors.
The final competition, including the controversial bone and bathing competition, is slated for the weekend. Many mongrels see this intense face-off as the make or break in the event and their careers as ugly dogs. Local promoters expect more people than dogs in the gallery.
The International Canine Club, operating out of a back alley in Singapore verified the mongrel hierarchy much to the dismay of anyone other than a few skinny cats. Here are the current standings rated from one to ten.
Vietnam: 9.5 Colombia 9.2 Grenada 8.5 Cuba 8.3 Ecuador: 7.9 Laos 7.1 New Jersey: 6.8 Malaysia: 6.4 Nicaragua: 4.9 Kenya: 4.0
Honorable mention: Kampuchea, Brasil, Greece, Trinidad, Portugal and Dixie
– Dag Katz
Eagles Back Home
(Almont December 26, 2016) After spending the summer in the Flathead River Basin in Montana one might consider wintering in Mexico. It would be the perfect combo. However if you’re a bald or golden eagle the East River may look even better.
“It’s got the kind…you know the kind of fish that makes their beaks stiff,” said Ruthie Roosterson, a spokesman, and little else, over at the Fish and Game Department. “They like the trees and the sunshine, the cold temperatures and the DOW too.”
The proud birds migrate south to Gunnison County in about November, stick around until early spring, then head north again. Although a complicated process the eagles seem to have it down, especially after centuries of repetition.
“It’s something to do with instinct and monogamy,” says Roosterson. “The eagles make life look effortless. There are plenty of folks who could take a lesson here.”
Eagles are generally monogamous, and, with the exception of New Year’s Eve, keep the same mate for life. Many residents here gain a certain security by witnessing their punctual return each fall.
If you wish to observe the birds of prey, take note: They can see you far better than you can see them. Getting out of your vehicle and progressing toward the river bottom only causes them to fly away. Urban viewers: There are no signs or flashing lights to identify the eagle’s domicile. So you are on your own on this one and may have to invest a few minutes searching the tall trees for the birds.
EAGLE OFFICE HOURS: Office hours are currently from 9 am to 2 pm Monday through Friday through the holidays. Extended hours are expected during heavy turkey season. Lame ducks prohibited. PLEASE DO NOT PHOTOGRAPH EAGLES ON THE WEEKEND. It confuses the salmon and causes a negative effect on the entire eco-system as far away as Southern California.
– Small Mouth Bess
UNDER THE TREE ’16
One intrusive and bothersome tradition that cannot be escaped over the holidays is our gift givers guide. We know that many of you are too busy sorting credit card offers, worrying Russian hackers and watching television to get around to any meaningful shopping for others. That’s why we’ve put together this varied roster of marginally functional premiums sure to tickle someone’s slippers on Christmas morning. And new in 2016 is our flagship San Juan Horseshoe Gift Insurance which protects the covered receiver from tasteless ties, bad chocolates and sweet perfumes. It even contains a clause undressing potential disappointments in the children’s sector as well as worthless knick-knack storage credits for the elderly.
WATCHED POT PLANT GROWER/INDUCER – Fits over the face like a view-finder or diving mask. Guaranteed to grow healthy house plants in just hours. Halogen light encourages lightening-fast maturity. Effective on everything from tomato plants to sensitive ivies and herbs. Comes with starter set, reversible lenses, carbon-monoxide film, foul weather gear. Why wait for plants to sprout the old way? Not suggested for Christmas trees or mistletoe. $159.99 at guerilla florists.
ARAB ALLIES SHOWER CURTAIN – Now it’s there, now it’s not. The transparent, anti-microbial, mildew-resistant vinyl-lined shower curtain protects from leakage and wandering eyes. Many come with simulated maps of Mideast tribal boundaries before European intervention in the 19th Century. Velcro attachments make cleaning a breeze. Simply hose it down. Doubles as a turban or chador in a fashion emergency. Matching prayer rug opens into American or British flag in the event of carpet bombing. $44.95 at Potties-Are-Us and other fine bath boutiques. Be sure to check out the digital toilet paper dispenser display and the revolving chrome toilet seats that few of us will be able to afford to be without this Yuletide.
FIND CHENEY GAME – It’s almost 2017. Do you know where your former Vice President is? Dick could be in Wyoming or maybe in Alaska drilling for crude. Maybe he’s on the Moon. Nobody knows in the beginning of the game which is played with a deck of aces and some little tanks and planes. The board, made exclusively of lamb’s wool, combines a colorful alpine backdrop with disappearing employee pension funds. Spy-Right wardrobe accessories assure that Cheney will remain out of the public eye. Dress him for any occasion, maybe a White House luncheon, maybe a stockholder’s meeting. Take Dick to the golf course where he lies about everything…even his golf scores! The first player to determine what Dick is up to is the winner. $19.95 at most gun shops and toy stores. Decoys slightly extra. After mastering the intricacies of this underhanded version consumers may want to move on to the FINDING DONALD TRUMP GAME expected to be released in February.
WALT’S RUBBER GARAGE LINER – Developed by local technician who grew tired of running into the garage with his car. Protects all four walls and insulated the electric door too! Somewhat bulky and difficult to apply without rubber tools and rubber hat. Effective against herd animals, drunks and tax assessors. Factory colors sure to match any garage decor. From the outside it looks like a normal garage but from the inside it resembles a cartoon rubber cave complete with windows and animated fossil fuel exhaust. Go ahead…Close your eyes and floor it. You’ll just bounce off! $129.99 at auto supply outlets. See living display at most local jails.
PEEING CHERUB SET – Perfect gift for the nouveau riche on your list. Decadence with a giggle. Classic pose accented by wrought-iron stand. Hand-caste resin statue beautifully detailed. Constant stream of consciousness from the personalized dangling participle. Brass or wicker with ivory-washed finish. Sorry: Matching weather-resistant bird feeder not available until spring. Discount for more than one. Rarely returned, 100% customer satisfaction assured. Movement sensitive lights, security buzzer, remote control directional flow and tinted water optional. $1099.99 at Clone Depots.
VIAGRA JOGGING SUIT – They’ll just have to see you coming with this trademark limited-edition jogging suit from your friends at Viagra. Soft-Corinthian spandex with logo prominently displayed in at least four places on garment. Give someone a leg up this holiday season with fashion that says virility all over it. Available in okra, burnt cocoa or fire engine red. As advertised on Monday Night Football. $99.99 at athletic clothiers and surviving local pharmacies.
AIRLINE FOOD PROCESSOR/READING LAMP – Perfect for the globe trotter on your list. Easy to smuggle past security just to see if you can. Takes all that chemically-packed space food and turns it into an edible survival experience. Simply place unwrapped food items into processor and push button. In moments it kicks out a compact bale or freeze-dried cube that makes an interesting, if not nutritious, lunch or dinner. Many experienced high altitude diners use their processor on the ground too since airport food is equally suspicious. Accompanying reading lamp doesn’t work very well but makes a great place to hide miniatures from temperance elements within the attendant population. $35.00 standby.
DEATH OF A SALESMAN PHONE KAZOO/WHISTLE – Everyone must be getting sick and tired of telephone solicitors with flat out amazing offers. Blow them off the line with the patented defense parameter beeping mouth harp. Hits a pitch that only pushy telemarketers can hear. Battery operated and compatible with answering machines so as to blast unwanted callers even when one is not home. Nickel-plated brass, dog hair repellent, easy to store. $31.99 with launcher. Order before December 24 and receive six free Scottish Highland Bagpipe Lessons (a $29 value). Offer good at pontificating merchants only.
MAIL BOX MINE FIELD – Protect yourself and your mail from terrorists this holiday season with the Homeland Security Mail Box Booby Trap Mine Ensemble. Schematic features mining blueprint for up to twenty-five yard circumference. Suited for networking in the neighborhood. Powerful detonator effective with the slightest touch. Combination lock or light sensitive device makes in impenetrable to intruders. Works great on moles, crows and other yard pests. Tests on bear-proof trash cans and child-proof prescription containers pending. $200.00 for expanded explosive selection, fuses and tiny identification camera. Not responsible for damages to rubber garage liners or peeing cherubs.
PATRIOT CELL PHONE – In red, white and blue. Show your support for world domination while you chat away mindlessly with friends and relatives. See-through for technical support maneuvers, caller ID to help round up suspicious citizens who don’t think the right way. Rear-projection device allows for display of U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights on the refrigerator door for those who still read. Vibrator allows for relaxation between calls. Monitoring hookup flashes when device is unplugged. Comes with National Security ID Bow Tie, fog-free blinders and ear plugs, official gov’ment neck weight and neon brain truss which creates up to 20,000 simulated brain impulses per byte. $39.95 per month.
KILLER INSTINCT BRONCO FIELD GOAL TOASTER OVEN – Start a fire under someone this Christmas with the sports appliance that everyone in the press box is talking about. State-of-the-art clock management, conservative quartz elements, choking mechanism prevents burn-out. Heats up great for about 45 minutes then cools off for the fourth quarter. Replaceable quarterbacks complimentary. Perfect for the golf course in early January too! Blocks dangerous UV field goals under the lights. $45.99 at sports memorabilia shows nationwide.
COMBINATION TRASH CATAPULT/LITTER BOX FAN
/BAGUETTE AIR FRESHENER SYSTEM – It may not be the best gift but it might be the biggest! Let’s start with the trash. Avoid dangerous treks to the garbage quadrant by hurling your debris. Why deal with ice, terrorists and dangerous four-legged predators all winter. Next we discover a handy litter box fan (three speeds) that keeps the odor down even while the cat’s away. If this isn’t strong enough just screw open the top of what looks like a simple loaf of bread and get rid of all other household smells instantly. Warning: Consumers have reported some confusion when using all of these devices simultaneously. Although tragedies are varied no one as yet has been killed. $699.99
TWENTY-THOUSAND LEAGUE BASEBALL MEMORABILIA – Discarded dental floss once used by Reggie Jackson, dirty socks collected from the Milwaukee Brewers’ locker room from 1999-2016 (complete set), a shampoo bottle emptied by a utility infielder who has moved on to the used car business. Too good to be true? Forget the days when players signed autographs for free, and Mantle and Mays roamed the outfield without a financial portfolio. Sod from the Astrodome, Rod Carew’s car seat, paycheck stubs from wrecked Rockies’ starting pitchers, a video rental receipt once thought to be the property to Andres Galaraga. The list goes on. No sports addict can resist! Market price.
THE COMING RETIREMENT ALARM CLOCK AND STAR WARS LAMPSHADE – Is someone on your shopping list about to take the big plunge into official retirement? Buy them the only alarm clock that not only counts the days until release from occupational bondage but also refuses to go off in the morning. Accompanying turntable base nuclear umbrella lampshade adds a little security to an otherwise frightening future. This gem slices, trims, mulches, waxes, purifies, embalms, soothes, magnetizes, downsizes, fattens, shakes, polishes and engages in a further an assortment of other verbs left over from our pile of notes for this article. $6,000 if the creek rises.
AL QUAEDA TRAVEL MIRROR – Why do these people hate us? Take a look for yourself. Framed by 50 years of foreign policy, accentuated by petroleum based distrust and cluttered conflicts the source of which no one cares to remember. Turn the magic dial and the human image will appear as thin as the average Palestinian refugee or the fattened desert prince. Laptop available. $1.2 million.
EVANGELICAL HEARING AIDE – Is someone on your list still talking to the power upstairs? You can insure their clear reception all hours of the day or night with this tiny metaphysical hearing aide from Salvation Optics. Keep the channels open and the message infallible. Comes with translation materials and phrase book in case God prefers to speak in Spanish. Non-transferable. One size fits all. $300,000. Financing available at most righteous electronic outlets.
FOR YOUR PET: This year sees a myriad of new products for our fur-bearing buddies. Probably the most impressive are the expanded collection of doggie tattoos and the runway car loader for fat dogs and cats. The pine beetle lattice talking elk head is another fine choice. It is sure to keep Rover or kitty busy for hours upon end! Prices depend on tightness of leash laws and what side of the door you’re on.
FORTUNATELY FOR YOU, the reader, we ran out of time and space. Sorry we couldn’t review the VOICE-ACTIVATED DINGY, the perfect gift for the Yachtie; or the KING TUT GUITAR CASE, a genuine sarcophagus of King Tutankhamen. Likewise the SOFT DRINK CERAMIC TILE GROUT DISPENSER nor the already best selling “History of Hot Dogs” and “Photographing Bedroom Furniture” will receive the deserved notoriety of the season. We didn’t like the FISH HEAD CHARM BRACELET currently being pushed on Pee-Bay or the WORLD’S FAVORITE SIREN ENSEMBLES that the Salivation Army is selling. In Closing: The breakthrough MARTINI PILLS do work. If you’re just too busy to catch a buzz this season try one. They can be a great stress reliever but easy on the vermouth if you please.
