All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

—Retraction—

The legislative seat of the Roman Catholic Church will not be moved to the site of the Polo Grounds in New York as previously reported in the November issue of the now defunct Vacant Lot Review, a cash cow milked every morning by forest nymphs. Due to logistical disagreements it will instead be moved to Milwaukee County Stadium. The relocation comes after centuries of a Vatican presence in Rome (The Eternal City and all).

According to insiders a 2000-year lease will be up in the 2025 and the owners of the real estate plan to build a massive golf course and retirement village on the spot that is now Vatican City. A fiscal shift will begin in 2006 culminating with a drastic move by the following decade. The faithful are reminded to keep sending in donations and that the collection plate waltz will not be interrupted by the relocation. It is not known how these developments will effect a Wisconsin cult set on keeping baseball in Milwaukee. We apologize for any inconvenience created by the incorrect announcement.

CONGRESS REPEALS VASELINE TAX

(Washington) Despite a threatened veto by President Trump, the Senate today repealed a controversial Vaseline tax of four cents per jar. Funds raised from this fiscal assessment are alocated for general infrastructure. Readers may recall that a hefty 25 cent surcharge-maintenance-jurisdictional-retrograde- fusion tax was implemented last month with the funds earmarked for roads, bridges, airports, urban transportation, police and fire departments.

Many see this recent action as double-dipping

Proponents of that tax were convinced that their constituents would gladly pay a small stipend of this kind in lieu of a more painful process of hand-me-down legislation. Many feared that the general fund attached to infrastructure spending is the perfect place to launder under-the-counter dollars. It is seen by many as an unmonitored money pit that is less than definitive and more secretive as the band plays on.

“Making up volumes of new laws every day isn’t easy and the President, of all people, should recognize this,” said Senator Oral Noise (Fizzy Party-WY), author of the Vaseline Amendment. “It’s bad enough the voters have to listen to all that is generated in these sacred chambers without making citizens pay a another tax on top of it all.”

The Noise family owns more than 30 Vaseline Mines in the Wind River region and a series of open-pit Vaseline extraction operations near Sheridan, at Hair Tonic Springs.

Opponents of the amendment, issued this statement following the final vote:

“This new tax is highway robbery! Attempts to lubricate the executive and legislative branches of government in the late 20th Century deserve some credit, at least with reference to the hands-on process with which we have become accustomed. If the American voter will put up with Congressional shenanigans and pay that body to do nothing why should we be surprised that they are trying to make us as comfortable as possible while we are being manipulated. We feel that the Vaseline Tax was a valid assessment and that four cents not only guaranteed the free flow of commerce but also insured the ready availability of the product. The new tax, as was stated above is grand larceny.”

One television news anchor paraphrased the statement saying that the Congress has responded to public opinion and that it is clear that the American people will not pay any price for comfort. She then fell dead at her station, an apparent victim of over simplification and/or some bad sushi, purchased from a swarthy street vender in Soggy Bottom.

Meanwhile Vice President Bill “Hoosier Willy” Pence, fresh from a scrumptious kimchi and jeotgal and lunch with God, was busy feeling someone’s pain. An 12-year old aide, however, told reporters that the tax was valid.

     “Do you know how much Vaseline costs in Puerto Rico?” he asked.

– H.L. Menoken

FROG WENT A COURTIN’

Diagramed and Dissected ad nauseam by people who don’t have much else to do.

Frog went a-courtin’ and he did ride, uh-huh
Frog went a-courtin’ and he did ride, uh-huh
Frog went a-courtin’ and he did ride
With a sword and a pistol by his side, uh-huh.

Well armed on horseback and traveling light, Froggie, on his way to his sweetheart’s house takes nothing for granted and is loaded for bear. Do frogs court mice or is Frog just out for a good time on the way to the shooting range? He is within his rights with open carry laws but he may be upsetting a municipal ordinance since his horse exhibits appears slightly incontinent.

Well he rode right up to Miss Mousey’s door, uh-huh
He rode right up to Miss Mousey’s door, uh-huh
He rode right up to Miss Mousey’s door
Gave three loud raps and a very big roar, uh-huh.

Froggie heard tell that Miss Mousey liked the strong, virile type of reptile but in fact he scared her half to death with his rude arrival. She thought him a bit of a bore but since there were no other gentlemen callers she waited by the window for his next move.

Said, “Miss Mouse, are you within ?” uh-huh
Said he, “Miss Mouse, are you within ?” uh-huh
Said, “Miss Mouse, are you within ?”
“Yes, kind sir, I sit and spin,” uh-huh.

Miss Mouse can’t afford to go anywhere since GOP passed tax bill and shaved her entitlements (which are not in reality entitlements at all but rights gained by sitting and spinning in bad light for all of those years.) Now she needs glasses but medicare won’t pay for them. As if that isn’t enough Miss Mousey gets paid about 70% of what male mice make for the same job.

He took Miss Mousey on his knee, uh-huh
Took Miss Mousey on his knee, uh-huh
Took Miss Mousey on his knee
Said, “Miss Mousey, will you marry me ?” uh-huh.

Froggie could be charged with sexual harassment. Despite a prenuptial agreement our happy-go-lucky friend may have hung his frog laundry on the wrong fence post. Pretty quick work indeed, but remember when you marry a mouse you marry the whole family.

“Without my uncle Rat’s consent, uh-huh
Without my uncle Rat’s consent, uh-huh
Without my uncle Rat’s consent
I wouldn’t marry the president, uh-huh”.

Miss Mousey needs to reconsider her reference here. Marrying the president would do nothing but create a lot of problems for a mouse who up till now has been above suspicion. Does she really need a visa extension this bad? Does Uncle Rat have connections?

Uncle Rat laughed and he shook his fat sides, uh-huh
Uncle Rat laughed and he shook his fat sides, uh-huh
Uncle Rat laughed and he shook his fat sides
To think his niece would be a bride, uh-huh.

Do mouse-frog marriages constitute mixed race or same sex marriage? What will the fake Christians in Congress say about all of this? Will someone change the water into wine?

Uncle rat went runnin’ downtown, uh-huh
Uncle rat went runnin’ downtown, uh-huh
Uncle rat went runnin’ downtown
To buy his niece a wedding gown, uh-huh.

Damn nice of Uncle Rat but I think there are further considerations as to the marriage. They need to slow things down and have a proper courtship. This reeks of a shotgun ceremony and, up until now Froggie has not even taken his coat off much less enjoyed the fruits of marital bliss.

Where shall the wedding supper be ? uh-huh
Where shall the wedding supper be ? uh-huh
Where shall the wedding supper be?
Way down yonder in a hollow tree, uh-huh.

That’s frugal. They should just go to Miami or someplace instead of dropping a bundle on their drunken friends. A wedding with frogs and mice doesn’t sound all that appealing anyway.

What should the wedding supper be ? uh-huh
What should the wedding supper be ? uh-huh
What should the wedding supper be?
Fried mosquito in a black-eyed pea, uh-huh.

That’s it? When does the real course arrive? Where then are their corporate drip lattes?  I smell marijuana.

Well, first to come in was a flyin’ moth, uh-huh.
First to come in was a flyin’ moth, uh-huh.
First to come in was a flyin’ moth
She laid out the table cloth, uh-huh.

All this work and we get moths at the table? Didn’t they invite Sarah Huckabee Sanders or Kellyanne Conway?

Next to come in was a juney bug, uh-huh
Next to come in was a juney bug, uh-huh
Next to come in was a juney bug
She brought the water jug, uh-huh.

I thought this was supposed to be a nice frog-mouse wedding. Why are all these insects here? Did hey bring wedding presents? Toasters are nice but check Miss Mouse’s bridal registry please.`

Next to come in was a bumbley bee, uh-huh
Next to come in was a bumbley bee, uh-huh
Next to come in was a bumbley bee
Sat mosquito on his knee, uh-huh.

Well, at least they guests are mixing nicely. No broken furniture. No fist fights yet. Plastic furniture was a great idea!

Next to come in was a broken black flea, uh-huh
Next to come in was a broken black flea, uh-huh
Next to come in was a broken black flea
Danced a jig with the bumbley bee, uh-huh.

If I was a broken back flea I stick to the waltzes and maybe a tango or two.

Next to come in was Mrs. Cow, uh-huh
Next to come in was Mrs. Cow, uh-huh
Next to come in was Mrs. Cow
She tried to dance but she didn’t know how, uh-huh.

It’s the long gown. Give her a few drinks and she’ll be dancing with bees, fleas and juney bugs..

Next to come in was a little black tick, uh-huh
Next to come in was a little black tick, uh-huh
Next to come in was a little black tick
She ate so much she made us sick, uh-huh.

Ticks are pigs when it comes to a wedding spread. They look terrible in tuxedos. They get all puffed up and start talking politics. Their gifts are often cheap and self-serving

Next to come in was a big black snake, uh-huh
Next to come in was a big black snake, uh-huh
Next to come in was a big black snake
Ate up all of the wedding cake, uh-huh.

Bastard. Who invited him? What kind of cake would frogs and mice expect?

Next to come in was the old gray cat, uh-huh
Next to come in was the old gray cat, uh-huh
Next to come in was the old gray cat
Swallowed the mouse and ate up the rat, uh-huh.

This is a turn for the worse. The guest of honor and the money man have been consumed by an uninvited feline. Now who will catch the bridal bouquet?

Frog went a-hoppin’ up over the brook, uh-huh
Mr. Frog went a-hoppin’ up over the brook, uh-huh
Mr. Frog went a-hoppin’ up over the brook
A lily-white duck come and swallowed him up, uh-huh.

So much for proliferation of the frog-mouse species. This is turning into a tragedy and on their wedding day. Mother Nature takes no prisoners. Tradition has it that Froggie met his demise this way but many scientists think it was climate change that got him.

A little piece of cornbread layin’ on a shelf, uh-huh
A little piece of cornbread layin’ on a shelf, uh-huh
A little piece of cornbread layin’ on a shelf
If you want any more, you can sing it yourself, uh-huh.

After all the violence I don’t think anyone but a few drunks in the corner will be singing.

Frog rides to ask Miss Mouse to marry him. She is willing but must ask permission of Uncle Rat. In other versions such as “King Kong Kitchie Kitchie Ki-Me-O” by Chubby Parker, Frog fights and kills Miss Mouse’s other suitors (an owl, bat and bumblebee) after they interrupt his proposal. Uncle Rat’s permission received, the two work out details of the wedding. Some versions end with a cat, snake or other creature devouring the couple and wedding guests. Sometimes Frog gets away, but is later swallowed by a duck. 

My breakfast in the Andes

Rodman, Kim lista de gracia de las celebridades en Retooled The Apprentice

El ex-estrella de la NBA Dennis Rodman y el líder de Corea del Norte, Kim Jongun encabezarán una deslumbrante lista de concursantes en un The Apprentice recientemente renovado. El programa de televisión de la realidad adoptará el mismo formato que el original, que se emitió antes de que su anfitrión fuera elegido presidente de los Estados Unidos según la red de host NBC.

Rodman, ex destacado rebote y travestido aparecerá por primera vez en el programa, mientras que se espera que Kim participe por cable de circuito cerrado debido a problemas de inmigración.

“Si los reporteros Yankee no han descifrado cómo deletrear el nombre completo de Kim, se quedarán atrás”, dijo un comunicado de propaganda de Pyongyang, el epicentro del mal según fuentes occidentales.  “Kim Jong Un puede controlar el clima con seguridad”, dijo Rodman, quien solicitó permiso a la Administración Trump para visitar a su amigo en Corea del Norte. Si se le permite ir, espera negociar una paz entre Kim y Donald.

¿Vamos a creer que Rodman usará un vestido y Kim golpeará las tablas, marcando en la pintura, durante la visita?  Mientras tanto, la mayoría de las personas que viven en Corea del Norte están sujetas a la escasez de alimentos y la represión política es peor que lo que está ocurriendo en Puerto Rico según las Naciones Unidas. Missiles Over Mouths es el nuevo eslogan enlistado en vallas publicitarias en todo el país asiático.

“No hay cordura en enviar a un looney a encontrarse con otro looney para poner una buena palabra para un tercer looney”, dijo el senador Mario Rubio, quien ahora parece ver la escritura en la pared y está tratando de proyectarse como un moderado.

“Parece que olvidamos que los pobres de este país tienen derecho a votar”.  Muchos otros en el Partido Republicano están susurrando secretamente que Trump debería enviar a un Ray Moore recientemente derrotado a Pyongyang ya que habla en lenguas y podría traer algún diálogo bienvenido a la mesa.

– Herradura de Cachemira

Math Department to Measure Snow

(Crested Butte) Standouts in the WSC Math Department will assist CBMR staff in determining valid snow depths for the coming ski season. In the past the reports have been questionable at best according to sources here near the ground.

     In addition to the calculations the students will provide statistical analysis which could go a long way toward easing world hunger, global warming and the common cold. In addition it may even help keep snowboarders off the hill on holy days.

     According to one participant the snow depth measurements have a lot to do with moisture, the angle of sunlight, the price of Jim Beam and the cross referencing of skier days. Despite a drop in season pass rates these elements will continue to be controlled by the iron fists of the Caraway family.

     Meeting during a field trip to a local field, math majors pledged to provide unbiased square root reports and carefully police the slopes after all metric conversions.      

– Tar Sands

“If you kill that spider Buddha will get you.”

                      – from Guilt Trips for Buddhist Christians by Melvin O’Tao