All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

PIZZA DELIVERY INDUSTRY LARGEST ON SLOPE

(Montrose) With more than 7,000 persons currently employed, the pizza delivery industry has overtaken agriculture as the number one industry on the Western Slope. According to recently released records, some 44,712 pizzas are delivered between Hiawatha and Pagosa Springs, placing the western half of the state 16th in national pizza consumption per capita, and the industry itself 20th in overall gross national product.

     “That don’t count the pizzas that is picked up at the counter neither,” said one recent high school graduate enrolled in a local management program.

“I send the rockets up; where they come down is not my business.” – Werner von Braun

Colorado man runs fishing boat into White House

SECURITY BREAKDOWN BLAMED

(Washington) Melvin Toole started out the day fishing for breakfast in the Gunnison River and ended up catching hell for dinner on the White House lawn. Now he can barely recognize his crumpled 1943 Henway tuna boat, which mysteriously crashed into the White House yesterday. The incident, which took place on the heels of a similar intrusion last month, has sent shockwaves through the inner sanctum of the Secret Service and left local police baffled.

“I don’t have any answers either,” flinched Toole as he was questioned by authorities last night. “One minute I was cruising the Gunnison in my extended cab, double-barrel, aluminum tuna boat and the next I was on the East Coast. I must have taken a wrong turn at Leaps Gulch, but I don’t remember crossing the Rockies or the Mississippi either.”

Questions over White House security, voiced after a renegade airplane crashed into the same building in September, have once again been asked with all sorts of government agencies denying blame for this recent episode.

“The Department of Transportation blames the Secret Service while the Secret Service blames NASA, who in turn is pointing the finger at the local DC cops,” said on White House aide. “Meanwhile nobody around here is getting anything done. What else is new?” he laughed.

Toole, a former daredevil trapeze artist turned sous chef, is being held in lieu of bond at an undisclosed location. He is expected to be tortured tomorrow.

Fortunately for some, the First Family were not at home at the time of the crash

Some 30 healthy kokanee, which had been snagged by Toole prior to his departure from Colorado, were presented to a throng of homeless persons gathering on Pennsylvania Avenue. These unfortunates had assembled to listen to some self-proclaimed prophet sing the praises of pyramid marketing. The fish, which fed some 200 people, was a bonus

Toole, who is wanted in Wyoming for impersonating a damp bale of hay, told authorities that he would fight any charges brought against him. If convicted, the intruder could face harsh sentencing: His choice of either 30 lashes or a four-corpse dinner with the president.

“I’m not a terrorist!” he bellowed, adding that he hoped the Trumps had collision insurance.

– Small Mouth Bess

NRA BLASTS TROPHY HUNTERS

(Montrose) The National Rack Association today condemned trophy hunters as heartless brutes who are more interested in decorating their walls than harvesting food or the romance of the hunt. The organization called on all bucks and bulls in the region to resist the temptation to fraternize with hunters of all kinds.

“It’s often an ego thing on the part of the male of the species,” explained one NRA organizer. “The animal imagines himself adorned on the wall, admired by all, but forgets that he must make some mortal sacrifices to get there.”

The NRA, a non-profit, just like the National Rifle Association, was formed in 1977 in an attempt to help herd animals deal with the annual fall stress. In its charter it clearly states that “although we find carnivores repulsive we cannot change our degrading status on the food chain. We are not naive enough to expect to end centuries of this ritual but rather we are in business to preserve the honor of our species and promote mental health within the ranks of the survivors.”

It’s simple enough, according to a former taxidermist who is now active within the NRA: “Although not an easy task most of the herd animals can deal with humans cooking them up with potatoes and carrots. It’s the mutilation for decoration mentality that the animals find offensive.”

-Gabby Haze

The Kerry Man Cannot Be Fooled!

An American balloonist took off from London and headed west over the Irish sea as planned. He passed over Dublin, then Kilkenny but when he attempted his descent he was pushed and pulled by gusty winds and sent farther west of his destination. Concerned, he made the proper adjustments but still continued to flow west. Soon, after dropping some elevation he found himself over what appeared to be County Kerry, drifting out in to the open Atlantic and big trouble.

Just as he passed over what he thought was the Dingle Peninsula he saw a Kerryman out working in his fields. As a last resort he yelled down to the man: “Excuse me sir but…but where am I?”

The man looked up, surprised and responded, “You can’t fool me. You’re up in that little basket hanging from a hot air balloon.”

Daylight Saving Time Warning

(Ouray) Colorado residents are reminded that the change from Rocky Mountain to Daylight Saving Time could seriously distort normal cocktail hours this summer.

“People engaged in that sort of thing should be aware that a small adjustment may be necessary to alleviate confusion,” said Andrea Rotweiller, of Clockmosis, a troll Pueblo public relations firm hired to promote longer days and shorter nights.

Rotweiller suggests that imbibers start earlier in the afternoon and continue later into the evening at first to get comfortable with the new time and than drop back to a comfortable, robotic level by, say July or August.

People who do not recognize happy hour or those who tend to drink all day were not undressed by the warning and should go on about their business as if nothing had happened.

“So, let me get this straight…you allow these priests, these shamans, to speak to your gods on your behalf?”

   –  Potato Angel’s question posed to the Inca upon arrival in Cusco, January, 1491. in “Greetings From The Spanish Inquisition” by Melvin Garibaldi O’Toole. Testosterone Bros., Boston.

It’s just those progressives building another stupid pyramid

“Don’t pay these pyramid-building elitists any attention. We have far more important and better things to do: Let’s sacrifice a calf to the Sun God and make Egypt great again.”