All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

SNOW GODS CONVENE

Continued from “The Long Underworld”

…and just leave it all in the hands of our North American couterpart, Awonawilona. The Pueblos know all about this part of the country.

Thor: I’m getting pissed off. This taking too long. Once again, I am not in favor of cloud seeding in any manner and would like to see a show of hands. All in favor of dumping on them say Yeah!
All gods: Yeah!

Balder: “That settles that. We’ll bury the Rockies in yards of snow until at least April. Six days and six nights of snow to start with, then some sun, then more snow. Every night and all night in March. And now the chair recognizes Ull, god of skiing, winter and hunting.

Ull: Are we going to let on to the humans that the big chill is about to befall them?

Odin: Let me answer that. If we tell the humans about all the snow they will just try to pile it up in the middle of their streets, or try to spin it into gold. I say keep quiet and let the flakes go their way. Sooner or later they will figure out that they’re in for quite a winter.

Thor: Agreed. Why tell them anything? They get it all wrong anyway. They think we’re mythological but that their gods are real. By the way, where is that guy in the sandals? You know the liberal one from down around the Dead Sea…I thought he’d be here.

Ull: But he does not know snow.

Balder: We don’t need his help with the weather but he could spend some time straightening out a few of his followers, and maybe he could have a little talk with Mohammed as well.

Vali: All in good time. When the great floods come in the spring they will have to recognize our legitimacy or be washed away. Did you have a question or comment, Aegir?

Aegir: Thank you Vali. I only wanted to ask “Is this some kind of Satyr?

Odin: Very funny, great god of the sea and brewing. But a better question might be: How can we get one of our guys appointed to the Supreme Court? Is anyone thirsty?

Thor: No mead until after business is concluded. Aegir attempts to steal my thunder and it’s making me very angry.

Odin: All right, that’s quite enough. We’re all snow gods here and we should be able to get along. To reiterate: Everyone is in agreement. We will bury Colorado in snows higher than the walls of Babylon, deeper than the ancient rivers of Mesopotamia…whiter than…

Ull: Excuse me Odin but you’ve made your point and we all need to be getting back to Valhala. Even though we’re gods it’s getting dark and the roads are full of reindeer and elk.

Odin: I’m not quite finished, Ull. Is the big, bad god of winter afraid of a few little deer? (Clearing his throat) So it looks like it’s time to get out the mukluks. In closing I would like to thank everyone for coming to our annual winter meetings and extend a special thanks to Cuchulainn and Finn MacCool for the delicious stew.

One good reason to enjoy winter

Mt Abram welcomes motorists to Ouray on Highway 550,

CHINA COULD CUT OFF FISH STICK EXPORTS

Aid to Puerto Rico will just have to wait

Just over a year ago China recorded a major public relations victory in the Caribbean by unveiling a mega plan to rescue Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria left the island in ruins on September 20, 2017.

Now it risks alienating everyone in the region by threatening to cut off his or her fish sticks. The unidentified ocean product made to look like a stick is, like beans and rice and johnnycakes, a major staple to the people here.

“Why catch and clean a fish when I can buy frozen replica right there at the grocery store?” asked one woman who insisted that her family could not survive without the frozen facsimile.

The Chinese figured that with little effort they could make new friends and make Trump look bad. The President and his staff were chronically slow in coming the aid of what is virtually an American colony. Readers will recall the footage of the President merrily tossing paper towels to traumatized victims of the storm. Racist overtones were as thick as an oil pipeline.

“China has been quick to expand its sphere of influence in Africa and Southeast Asia,” said a respected public official in San Juan, “and the Caribbean is ripe for investment and exploitation. “We have seen what happens when a culture sells off its natural resources for trinkets and modern conveniences.”

Thousands of families lost their homes when Maria landed her vicious right cross. Residential areas are still suffering. Transportation is still not back to normal. Blue tarps are still covering thousands of homes, especially in the central mountains.

“This obvious grandstanding by an enemy of freedom will in no way detour our plans for the complete recovery of the island,” said a Trump appointee on the ground in Puerto Rico. “If China thinks she can showcase our impotent response to the disaster and insensitivity to human suffering they’ve got another think coming.”

It gets uglier: In late 2017 the Red Cross had collected 71 million dollars for Puerto Rican relief and yet the agency said it did not have the money to help the island’s inhabitants. Then earlier this year “friends in the Congress” granted lucrative contracts to US firms to provide food and shelter to Maria’s victims. Despite the transfer of funds little has actually been done, especially for the poorer residents.

“When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.”

– Gracie Allen

Voter Turnout Akin to Wash Day

(Dayton, Ohio) Statistics compiled during the mid term elections confirm suspicions that more people did their laundry than showed up at the polls on November 6. The domestic chore of clothes washing won out by just a few percentage points—an improvement over 2016.

Is this the 49% that the two-party campaign pimps have been bragging about?

Sociologists contend the behavior indicates that voters would rather have clean clothes than elect clean leaders in the House and Senate. Many feel disconnected to the political process and prefer to spend time and attention on domestic and janitorial matters that they can control.

“Who could blame these people considering the terrible choices that both parties present,” asked Bert Cheer, proprietor of Bert’s Scrub and Wash, reputed to be the largest commercial/retail laundromat on the planet. “I’ve seen gray polo shirts more interesting than the issues presented to the voters. These politicians keep talking but offer no answers. I’ve seen worn-out  bloomers with far more imagination and insight.”

When asked why potential voters couldn’t wash their socks and cast their vote on the same trip to town one researcher suggested that it would be too much for most.

“Like a hungry man too lazy to cook some folks have enough trouble getting the right change and separating the whites from the colors,” she said. “To ask them to multi-task in this manner would clearly blow a fuse in their poorly managed lives. Maybe if the gov’ment added bleach or fabric softener they would pay more attention to their democracy.”

– Tar Sands

ANOTHER GROPPO APOLOGY

We have grown tired of extending post-seasonal apologies to Groppo the Elf and his battery of attorneys but in the spirit of the extended holidays we will reach deep and try to delouse a few feathers once more. First of all let us set the record straight. The short piece appearing on our December website regarding Groppo’s heritage was, admittedly in bad taste.

Moreover we really didn’t have photographs of the elf with local livestock even though we were assured that they could be easily procured. With the prints somewhere out in cyberspace we were forced to substitute a story about the much maligned Spar City “Holidays on the Rocks” and some color pictures of local cheerleaders hanging Christmas lights at our many private prisons.

Repeated references to Groppo’s alcohol abuse were presented out of context so as not to endanger the reputations of local citizens who, in most cases, seem to be able to handle their rum without incident. Implications that Groppo’s physical stature and mental capacity are the result of his diet of bombardier beetle ribs, Twinkies and swamp grass is fact. This accusation can be verified by speaking to the elf’s dietitian.

 Furthermore attempts at collecting damages from this publication by the family of Groppo are curtailed by executive privilege. We did not say that his immediate family was comprised of drug addicts, only that the current inhabitants of his family tree were junkies and substance abusers. We never said they were alcoholics either since most are reputedly closet drunks and their public behavior, although suspect, cannot be chronicled.

Never mind all that. Let’s shake hands and part as friends, Groppo. After all you’re really no worse than most of us, especially when viewed through the rose-colored filter of the Yuletide.

– Editor

HOLIDAY HOROSCOPE

Are you in need of constant cosmic reassurance? Do you dial late night psychics in the privacy of your own home? Do you actually believe that some mere mortal can tell the future after shuffling cards, reading tarots or throwing tobacco leaves up into the air? You probably vote every November too, don’t you. Instead try perusing the following batter bowl of star-gazer pastry.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Your birthday will be ignored again this year with all the Christmas hype. Hire a few apostles to bring your situation to light. It worked for another well-known Capricorn. Too much rum will fog up the mistletoe. This can be good or bad depending on the quality of the holiday crop. If you feel out of balance it’s because you are out of balance. Try standing on your head until March. You would be very vulnerable to losing money this month except that you have none to lose. Your goldfish adore you. If you must stuff a stocking with Spam, at least leave it in the can. Santa likes his eggs over easy. In-laws expected over the holidays? Give them your bed and book passage on a flight to South America.

AQUARIUS (January 20 -February 19)

If you insist on fishing for compliments use your best line. Plug in your car since your ruler, Mercury, is expected to go into retrograde tonight. Pay bills only after initial threats are received. Concentrate on what’s important: Find your sweet patootie. Your snow tires could be under a lot of pressure this month. Try a little understanding even if the elves fly off the handle once too often. Yes, Santa Claus…there is a Virginia and you owe about $300 in overdue parking fines there. Planning for the future will simply result in more organized failure as the new moon passes overhead. Take on challenges one schlepp at a time. Screen all fruitcake. Avoid cheap cigars at romantic moments and schlocky Christmas cards altogether. Tonight: Whittle till you puke.

PISCES (February 20 -March 20)

Spawning in the wrong circles could be curtains for little fishy. Stay clear of frying pans and hush puppies till the weather breaks. You are far less attractive than you realize. You may be on a roll but so is the liver pudding. When the spoils of salvage include reindeer jerky get the sleigh taste out of the meat before drying it. When it comes to the American work ethic look to the little man from the North Pole. He works one night a year and is applauded by millions as a hero. Could this concept work for you? If you have been thinking about committing yourself to some kind of cause or campaign why not go the full gambit and commit yourself to an institution. They have kitchens and a place to sleep. Santa Claus is real. You are not. Tonight: Have breakfast in bed.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

It is your responsibility to make sure that your love life/relationship/marriage does not become academic/tedious/mundane/. Variety is the answer/key. Tonight why not try apologizing/making up first and fighting later. If a business partner/client is off the wall put him/her/it through the wall at earliest convenience. Use lots of slashes and other odd punctuation throughout the holidays. It will either confuse and/or impress. Christmas shopping can be simplified by purchasing by the case at your friendly, local liquor outlet. If there is an odd bottle or two left over stuff your own stocking. In order to relieve the stress of all this shopping be sure to stop at your local tavern before heading home to pass out and/or wrap your treasures. Note: Drinking to excess has always been an option at family gatherings. Tonight: Take a THC break.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. What matters is that you’re not doing anything. Someone has spilled gourmet coffee on your star chart. Your creativity is at a high point. Today is perfect for making cookies or bombs in the basement. If fiscal worries have you singing the blues try peddling your version with a country twang. People actually buy that kind of garbage. Remember: The first step to solving any problem is to deny it. Limit other vocal arrangements to the shower. Assert yourself this month: You don’t have to sell the daily special to pets. Let them order directly from the menu if they are so smart. Remember: Nobody ever cut themselves chopping electricity or natural gas. Send all creditors small Christmas presents in lieu of cash. Surely they will understand.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Hibernation is socially acceptable just so long as you brush your teeth afterwards. There are days when nothing goes right no matter how hard you try and other days when everything goes right even though you don’t try at all. Stay in bed till mid-afternoon then check the mail for goodies. If you must count on other people try not using their fingers to do so. Check all brightly wrapped gift baskets for subtle ticking noises. Distinguish between your worst friend and your best enemy. Maybe they are the same person. If the sun is reluctant to shine down on you try adjusting blinders. Many doors will open for you this month letting in little more than an annoying draft. Tonight: Swoon.

CANCER  (June 21 – July 22)

Hate Christmas? You’ve been in excellent company over the years. Hitler disliked the holiday so much that he took Paris. Oliver Cromwell and John Chivington pouted through the entire season while General Sherman wouldn’t even let his men have trees in their tents. The Puritans levied a fine for celebrating the secular holiday. Joe Stalin outlawed mistletoe in the Ukraine because the peasants were turning it into borscht. Charlie Manson wouldn’t buy presents until December 26. We can’t think of any female scrooges this time around. Avoid carolers. Brick up your chimney. Somehow, even with your rotten spirit, the whole event will still cost you money. Enjoy.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Changing tires on a tiny sleigh is no easy matter. Give yourself a little credit for what you have already accomplished. A little humor could break the ice with strangers while out angling on the frozen lakes of desperation. Get to know other fruitcakes this holiday season. A overweight elf will fight you for your favorite bar stool. Get to know your limit when eating and drinking by consistently eating and drinking your limit. Separate fantasy from reality and pretty wine bottles from the rest of your trash. Many on your team are posers. Your favorite aunt/uncle is coming for a visit. Keep them away from your favorite husband/wife.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Satisfy sadistic tendencies by leaving Santa chocolate doughnuts, grapefruit juice and salsa on Christmas Eve. Speak clearly when using other people’s credit cards over the phone. The best time for dieting is next year. The best time for romance was last year. The best offense is a good pretense. Don’t feel bad if your presents were less than expected. Late arrivals in this arena could be the best ones and after all, the mail is slow over the holidays. Without an agenda you could get caught without an agenda. Punch out an elf before retiring for the evening. Tonight: Spend time with reclusive pariahs.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Maybe Santa Claus doesn’t believe in you either. Buy yourself an expensive Christmas present and tag it “from a secret admirer”. This may generate a bit of jealous lust on the part of your sleepy mate. Do not produce the note in your own handwriting. Offers to play Santa do not necessarily reflect your jolly nature or jovial personality. It’s just hard to find warm bodies out there that are shaped correctly. It’s high time you lost a few pounds since you can’t really walk around wearing the red suit in January. Go Caroling as long as she is paying. Eat more fruitcake.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 22)

Your competitive nature could get you in hot water over the Christmas season. Let the traditional characters have the limelight for a change. When at the grocery be on the lookout for that rich, seductive stranger in the cereal aisle. Don’t be offended by lewd advice from checkouts or a casual brush back pitch from cartoons on the boxes. Sociopathic tendencies might be a premium in post-holiday soirees. If you wish for something too hard you still might not get it. Spend quality time with your woodpile. Tough decisions await you tomorrow, but hey, it’s still today. Tonight: It’s gonna get dark again.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)

All this targeted good humor and charisma is getting old. Try the scrooge approach and people won’t expect you to be nice for Christmas. In January you can then make up for the dirty business of late December. Open doors, aluminum cans, refrigerators, windows, minds, charge accounts, wallets and champagne carefully through the holiday season. A rare Yuletide lunar eclipse could put you face-down in the fruitcake can of upward mobility. Avoid button-up flies and bees in the bonnet. If bad habits were secure collateral, you could take out a fifteen-year mortgage on a new personality. Get some exercise this afternoon by walking down to the bar for a change.

– General Kashmir Horseshoe, Staff Unitologist