All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

What is the missionary position on UFOs?

What if space travelers land on earth? Does this contrast with existing religious beliefs practiced since the Dark Ages? How will the good folk respond if long-held beliefs collide with stark reality that there may be other heavens and earth out there in the Universe.

Leading missionaries say it all comes out in the wash which sounds like creative culture, the pretense to start creating new ancient folk tales and rules for the kneel-bent tribe.

Proof of other living creatures wandering around, might put the final nail in the coffin of earth-centered religions or propagate new directions for the spiritually assimilated.

Beings from other balls of rock have either been watching us or not, and we don’t know for how long either. Would we have behaved as humans if we knew there were cameras in the cosmic parking garage or strung over the satellite rainbow curtains that grace my house.
The authorities suggest stocking up on food and water in case of a Hollywood-infused alien invasion. I just figure on staying around home hoping they don’t land in the pasture near my bunker. A lot of starmen in my yard is more than I need right now.

– Finn McCool

“The Americans saw the Vietnamese peasantry as potential victims of a global Communist ideology. These poor Vietnamese saw the Americans as creators of garbage and debris from which they could build houses.”
– Fire in the Lake by Francis Fitzgerald

Baby Boomers Often Infantile, Noisy Lot

True to their name, most baby boomers (people born from 1945 – 1960) are loud crybabies. According to unconfirmed sources in the National Nursery, more than 65% of this group can be obnoxious and disruptive as well.

As for the other 35%, they are quiet and happy enough. Most just want to be left alone to do what they do.

A micro-study, completed last night, compiled after more than 6 baby boomers were captured and coerced into answering such questions as: Where do you store your teeth at night? When was the last time you swam across a Great Lake? When angels cry do their tears join the rain?

The stunned control group failed to utter so much as one response during the interrogations.

Researchers quickly determined to scrap the project when denied a government grant to further exploit the issue.

– Roothie Roosterson

99 House Republicans Beach Selves

In what is being called instinctual suicide, 99 House Republicans beached themselves on a remote spot off the coast of North Carolina this morning. The former legislators began arriving at dawn, hurling themselves out of the breaking waves and onto the waiting sand.

Gasping for air and exhausted the fat ones expired first, followed by the young firebrands. Soon slippery, flipping bodies littered the area, prompting law enforcement officials to call for cranes and bulldozers to aid in the clean-up. Onlookers, some of who voted Republican in the last election expressed shock and awe on the scene.

The action represents the first time politicians have ended their existence en masse and Washington insiders say it is only the beginning. Many frightened Democrats had threatened to join the beaching but were afraid of the water and stayed away. The rescue effort and clean up were hampered due to polluted waters. Republicans blamed to EPA.

“Good people do not beach themselves,” said one unreliable source who demanded animosity.

“We haven’t conducted business since 2008, quacked a surviving Congressman from Colorado. “It was apparent last month that something was in the wings but we didn’t expect mass destruction.

GOP leaders, including Trump, Pence, Ryan, Sessions and McConnell promised to go down with the boys but reneged at the last moment, whisking off to Florida in an unmarked jet. That leaves a Democrat majority in the lower governing body.

Empty Congressional seats will be filled with sandbags until a special election can be held.

“We have 99 replacements set to replace them but the damned Communist Constitution will not allow it,” said a Trump Whitehouse spokesman who blamed Obama for the incident.

The news comes on the heels of an announcement that The Concussion Rule will not be activated anytime soon and will apply only to Senate.

– Pepper Salte

Colona Faces Another Summer With No Gov’ment

With just 17 months to go to go before another meaningless and expensive election charade, Colona is still without local gov’ment.

Colona, Colorado in the shadows of the San Juans is, still without local gov’ment. “Whatever shall we do?” say residents who, as of this morning, have yet to petition for state of federal intervention.

Agreeing that “Colona is a town that is not in need of leadership,” quad-mayoral candidates are lining up then sitting back down. Voters here are expected to vote to firmly against any legislative changes in the county’s third largest burgh. Most say they hope to go on with daily pleasantries unburdened by town gov’ment.

“Does anyone here understand how much $ it takes to feed even one small gov’ment?” asked one resident. “We have been taking care of ourselves for many decades here and don’t need local government officials skimming off the top.”

The Colonese have continued the practice of paying taxes to each other. In an attempt to prepare for a potential landing by a ruling body they say the drill keeps them alert and “provides a little pocket money”.

“I don’t mind tithing with my neighbors,” said one resident. “He’ll probably just grow sqash with it and give me some at harvest.”

Meanwhile a suspicious shipment of whitewash, in crates marked USA , was delivered Friday. Many fear it is the beginning of the end to glorius yet phantom and absent self-autonomy.

“Government is like going out on a date with Ayn Rand and asking who will do the driving,” said someone or the other.

– Melvin Tululu

Putin may owe 3.5 million to IRS

Vladimir Putin has catagorically denied he owed the United States Treasury Department any money since he had never worked in that country. However IRS files suggest that since last summer Putin has received payments of an undisclosed amount from a shadow US government checking account.

For a related thrill read: Putin – Rasputin: A Frightening Genetic Link 

“They must be whopper checks or he’s been stuck into a higher tax bracket in accordance with economic sanctions imposed by The Obama Administration,” said someone on television. “So what do you know, Vlad’s been covering his paper tail (stet). He wouldn’t try that in Russia. They skin him alive right there in Fred’s Square.”

In an apparent effort to deflect attention, Putin today named former agents Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale in yet another hacking probe this time involving Dubai, Rio, Angora and Western Nebraska. The Cold War standouts, thought to be long dead have been living in in in Crete.

“We caught them (Boris and Natasha) red-handed,” choked Putin, “They were in Russia illegally to play golf. What fools.”

The well-tanned centenarians were arrested on the ninth hole (a tight par 3 with a dogleg left) while playing a round despite the frigid temperatures at Frostbite Balls, a golf corpse owned by the retired spies.

Longtime associates Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Bullwinkle the Moose, who filled out the odd foursome, were not held in connection with the incident. Friends fear for their well-being as Putin has placed them on the “endangered species list” for their own protection.

– Margot “Ramones” Romanoff

Climate change skeptics eaten by migrating polar bear

(Bangor, ME) A contingent of oil and gas executives, attending a rustic retreat at the prestigious Horseshoe Lodge in northern Maine, was last night attacked and eaten by marauding polar bears headed south to eat.

Due ridiculously warm temperatures in the Arctic the traditional menu for the giant white bears has diminished causing the migration. Polar bear are known to prefer younger prey since the meat is known to be more tender.

Let’s take a hypothetical control group, like the US House of Representatives, where denial for profits is the game. Are these fossil fuel legislators at risk too or was the recent Down Eastern carnage simply a coincidence?

“We don’t see a lot of polar bears around here,” said Ed Perkins, of nearby Beartown Falls. “The idea of the white monsters targeting climate change deniers seems a little far fetched even for us.”

Tourism has always been sketch here and civic leaders are playing down the polar bear incident.

“Those weren’t polar bear. They were Canadian liberals dressed up like polar bears,” one said.

By evening the bears were still on the loose. Law enforcement has been beefed up and, although nobody seems all that interested in meeting a bear up close. State animal authorities are armed with riot gear, tanks canon and a blueprint which calls for the cornering of the bruin intruders somewhere near the Canadian border.

“We don’t now how many polar bear are migrating, if they are organized or acting alone, as predictable instinct dictates,” said a local deputy. “We are attempting to determine where they will strike next so we can intercept them before further damage occurs.”

The diet of polar bears includes seal, walrus and fish. People have entered the food chain since they move slow and generate a lot of garbage that serves as a tasty appetizer when not frozen.

“If the bears eat everyone in the United States we will just have to pack it in and start over,” said another unreliable source.

– Fred Zeppelin

“China, India, entire subcontinents could be subdued with less firepower than it took to keep the Irish in place.” – The Eternal Irishman…