All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
La escalera mecánica encantada del aeropuerto envía a los pasajeros que vuelan
(Colona) La única escalera mecánica conocida del condado fue “destruida” durante la hora punta el viernes, enviando a pasajeros desprevenidos que volaban y su equipaje suspendido en el fino aire de la montaña.
El incidente, atribuido a la piratería de venganzas por parte de técnicos en informática en huelga en el Aeropuerto Internacional de Colona, resultó en sorprendentemente pocas lesiones pero retrasó las salidas de vuelo en tres horas. El vuelo nocturno de la fiesta a Nucla fue castigado con la carga completa de pasajeros redirigida a Naturita.
Los bomberos rescataron a un viajero colgado de una viga de vigas de madera falsa, mientras que una familia de Durango tuvo que ser rescatada de un puesto de control de seguridad dañado que de alguna manera se había inundado durante el percance.
De acuerdo con los ciberdelincuentes que se encontraban en la escena, el mecanismo que fluía se detuvo bruscamente, luego se agrietó, giró, gimió, se inclinó y saltó, arrojando a los viajeros por los aires. “Fue todo un espectáculo”, dijo un vaquero jubilado que comparó la experiencia con un toro loco y mecanizado que enloqueció.
Los expertos de Federal Aviation fueron despachados rápidamente para observar el desorden de la banda de rodadura enredada y los escalones de la escalera mecánica inconexa. Ninguna de estas personas se sentía cómoda inhabilitando escaleras mecánicas deshonestas y se fue a almorzar.
Varios dijeron a The Horseshoe que el desastre había sido causado por vacas locales pisoteando la infraestructura de ciber óptica. Prometieron instalar un radar de advertencia de fibra coaxial en un intento de ser más astuto que el elemento bovino.
Los lectores pueden recordar un incidente similar en 2016 cuando la fuente principal del mezzanine del aeropuerto se enchufaba y explotaba, enviando aspersores de alta presión y escombros hasta la ciudad. Después de una investigación exhaustiva, quedó claro que alguien había tirado varios rollos de papel higiénico en lo que se clasificó como un crimen de odio no terrorista.
La instalación aeronáutica se cerrará hasta que la escalera mecánica esté deshuesada, desprogramada y pacificada. Se insta a los peatones a subir las escaleras hasta nuevo aviso. – Gerry Mander
Iguana Soup Recipe
After countless requests we have finally secured the authentic recipe for IGUANA SOUP, heralded in many parts of Central America as the ultimate hangover cure. Read on…
Take one regular size deceased iguana (skinned) and prepare in accordance with NAFTA specifications regarding birds and lizardry. Remove tail and set aside. Boil iguana on high for about an hour until it shrinks approximately 20%. Retain water. Add yucca, spuds, maize (if you can’t find maize use household corn), onion, garlic, jalapeno peppers and passion fruit seeds. Place animal back in pot and simmer for about three hours until meat falls from bone. Garnish with tail. Serve in brandy snifters or mate gourds. Enjoy.
Thirsty in Kenmare?
The Horseshoe Pub in Kenmare offers genuine Irish hospitality. Photo by Maureen Haley
Spring Dining Guide
MO’S TOWN SOUL FOOD CAFE, “Where we turn over the tablecloth for you,” (3763 Indian Massacre Blvd. Wimpton). Mo has been around since they built the Riverside Snowshed and she’s been feeding people even longer than that. The pre-Mon-troid cuisine includes Franco-American Spaghetti, frozen TV dinners, assorted frozen pot pies, bologna sandwiches and fish sticks. Why eat at home when you can dine out? Try Mo’s- “Where the Can is King!”
THE KENNEL LOUNGE, (Sapinero Center). How about Birdseed Etouffe or Turtle on the Half Shell? It’s all here! Kibble Quiche, Bones Rockefeller or Magpie Pie. All entrees served in a dirty dish out on the back stairs. Reservations discarded.
NAUTILUS STEAKHOUSE, (Ophir Loop North, two blocks from the dump). Finally someone has combined the fitness rage with the eating obsession. After a brief orientation, diners find themselves inhaling pepperoni pizzas during sit-ups as well as baked potatoes and 1/2 chicken during aerobics. Pot boys in muscle hats, too! Developed by Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, author of “Feel Good Fat,” which is on sale in the lobby. Get “The Doc” to autograph your copy. He’s probably in the bar.
CHATEAU MARMOT, Redstone. Ribs by the truckload. All you can eat by the hour, day, week or month. Three corpse meals from $6.50. Omelets so tasty you’d never know they use powdered eggs. Prime Squid is just $11, while New York Snake goes for $9.95. “Bodacious vittles” says Omar Whelp of “Popular Mechanics.” “Plenty of empty tables,” says Sue Croppy of “Woodworker’s Anonymous.” Closed February.
NICK’S ASBESTOS LOUNGE, Cahone Flagship. “Give them two or three stiff drinks and they won’t criticize the food.”- Nick Pelaruskas. Specializing in entrees that begin with “E”. Eggrolls, eclairs, escargot, enchiladas and eel are some examples. 40 percent gratuity required with groups of more than one. “ Dirtiest kitchen in the San Juans.”- Health inspector.
OUR PROMISE TO YOU: IF YOU CAN EAT AFTER READING THIS NEWSPAPER WE’LL BUY YOUR DINNER AT ONE OF THE RESTAURANTS LISTED ABOVE.
ANSWERS TO MARCH IQ TEST
1. Probably not
2. The linen closet on a 1958 Oldsmobile
3. Miscellaneous itemized deductions not to exceed 3% of adjusted gross.
4. The outhouse door on a tuna boat
5. Buffalo burgers cause far less gas but are harder to swallow under water.
6. Linseed oil heated to 105 degrees F.
7. Not available without prescription.
8. Hillary Clinton 17, Crocodiles 2
9. Pay-Per-View War
10. Employment of the Devil’s Picture Book turned out to be more effective than collecting all those Iraqi high school year books.
”When the beautiful mulata walks to the sea, the waves are gentle, the wind subsides, the sea is blue-green in emeralds. The sea is pleased.” – Jorge Amado
CONGRESS TO UNDRESS E-MAIL ADDICTION
Sputniks in Cyberspace?
(Washington) The situation is worse than imagined. That’s the conclusion of a Congressional sub-committee on the sensitive subject of E-Mail addiction.
At press time more and more people are accessing the Internet and with it the ability to send messages on-line. Soon many become addicted to the instant gratification that comes from split second electronic chatter. Then they start sending small talk and inconsequential banter over the net.
“The most severely addicted send meaningless drivel to a host of destinations,” said one investigator. “Lots of times they don’t even know with whom they are communicating. They spend countless hours at the computer sending what is in affect junk mail.”
In many instances the lame messages are quickly deleted by the receiver upon recognizing the sender’s name on the in box roster which is noting more than a waste of time.
“Imagine a woman in Missouri waiting for a new catfish and black-eyed peas recipe from her mother in Louisiana when all of a sudden she gets one of those puked family Christmas updates on E-Mail,” said one committee member. “It could easily be enough to ruin her appetite for the holidays.”
After the the summer recess Congress will decide if legislation is necessary to prevent the spread of this disease. According to unconfirmed sources here the law makers agree that such practices are an invasion of privacy but have yet to determine if constant E-Mail activity can be treated as a social disease.
“We’d like to find a cure before it’s too late,” continued the source. “If these people had to go to the trouble of mailing a letter one wouldn’t hear from them in a coon’s age.”
“He cannot think without his hat.” – Samuel Beckett, Waiting For Godot (1952)
