All Entries in the "Hard News" Category
CLOUD SEEDING CATALOGUES ARRIVING FRIDAY
(Colona) The 1998 Cloud Seed Catalogues are expected to be delivered to businesses and residences at the end of the week according to crop dusters above the Uncompahgre Flyway. The catalogues, a bi-product of alleged United Nations meddling in the internal affairs of Los Estados Unidos and her clones, will be whisked into town via black helicopter. Others will be displayed on the Winternet.
Cooperative citizens who can show they have no opinion in matters of state can exchange the paltry imprints (catalogues) for thimbles of herbal tea and fresh mangos throughout the summer season. Warning: Unlicensed dogs caught driving ski gondolas after dark will be prosecuted, their owner’s mountain bikes sold for scrap.
Peaky past and future forecast
One Hundred Years Ago: 1919
Marigold Compost wins a posthumous Whirlitzer for her cookbook Basil Recipes From the Abyss published just months before her son, Earl Compost, wandered off into the woods near Yellow Jacket in early 1920. Erotic Quechua-Hibernian pictographs found near the Tomb of the Eternal Inca. Veronica Haley born in Bay Ridge. Know Nothings presidential convention in Las Vegas cancelled after the majority of the delegates went to Reno by mistake. Prohibition heralds in the Gangster Era in counties wet and dry. Skeletal Whigs go under the hair dryer for the last time. White House liar’s bench erected on West Lawn. Former President William Howard Taft (weighing in at 350 pounds) pressures current President Woodrow Wilson to suspend habeas corpulence in honor of former President Grover Cleveland who weighed in at 300. Only 10 years after granting suffrage to women Wyoming accused of Mail Order Bride scandal. “The Briar Patch” opens to ravenous reviews on Broadway. Other popular plays include “A Fruitcake Named Desire”& “The Barber From Tashkent”
One Hundred Years Distant: 2119
Vodka nose first diagnosed in Greenland. Superstition, feudal states, and serfdom on the rise due to bad public health and education in the provinces. “Islands for the Poor” – a refuge for the misbegotten closed due to alleged money laundering on the beaches. Sleeper cells engage in bloodless revolution near Lower Insomnia. Bear Republic formally recognized by Cub Scouts. Many bruins flee restrictive fur laws. Subsidized honey blamed for market roller coaster. Colorado Marijuana Industry Finalizes Purchase of Wells Fargo, other banks. Last remnant of Syrian civilians relocated to Alabama. Agnostic missionaries feared lost in Uruguay.
Hombre disparado desde las tierras del cañón en el hospital
(Wimpton-on-Uncompahgre) Un hombre de 27 años, disparado desde un cañón el jueves durante el espectáculo anual de armas y fuegos artificiales de Chicken Hawk, descansa cómodamente en el hospital de San Roscoe. Se espera que sea engañado y liberado después del fin de semana.
Según los informes, el forraje no identificado de carne y huesos se ofreció para ser propulsado de esta manera de polvo negro. Supuestamente estaba tratando de eludir a los seis hermanos de su novia que recientemente se habían comprometido a golpearlo sin sentido debido a interludios románticos sin compromiso y “promesas de cumplir”.
Aunque el ejercicio de artillería se realizó sin problemas, la bala de cañón humana aterrizó más o menos en los asientos del estadio en la arena de rodeo. Los técnicos de emergencias médicas lo rescataron y lo llevaron a St. Roscoe. Ahora es una celebridad en el ala psiquiátrica.
“Al principio lo consideramos un goner”, dijo un técnico médico en la escena. “Entonces pensamos que tenía que llevarlo a la Clínica Mao, pero está sentado desayunando esta mañana, sacudido pero vivo”.
Actualmente está experimentando una leve pérdida auditiva, pero los médicos nos aseguran que la afección mejorará o podría empeorar según lo dicte el tratamiento.
El episodio marca la primera vez desde la batalla de Glorieta Pass que un ser humano ha sido lanzado por una pistola o mortero. Respaldarlos a menudo era una necesidad, en lugar de tanques o poder aéreo, para avanzar tropas vacilantes de manera ordenada.
“Cuando las tropas reunidas vieron lo que le sucedió a un simulador, todos pasaron por encima y cargaron la posición del enemigo sin más demora”, dijo una fuente del espectáculo de armas. “Los ejércitos dispararon exploradores y soldados de observación hacia adelante fuera de los cañones hasta la perfección del paracaídas de poliéster y la invención del helicópter.
Las autoridades aún no han revelado el nombre de la víctima hasta que se puedan identificar a los miembros de la familia, mientras que las personas responsables de encender el fusible han sido detenidas, aunque los abogados insisten en que la evidencia es humeante en el mejor de los casos.
“Nadie obligó a este lunático a entrar en el cañón”, dijeron, “que intenten probar intenciones o acciones criminales. Han ocurrido muchas cosas más extrañas durante el calor de la batalla.
Los funcionarios del hospital confirmaron que usar un casco probablemente le salvó la vida al hombre. Ya se está trabajando en un libro.
Catfish-Jello Salad
Recipes For the Trail
(Merluza may be substituted for Catfish)
Directions: Take two packets of lemon or banana jello. Cut and opening in each approximately 4-5 inches long.
Catch 8 Catfish (4-5 inches long) and cram them into the little boxes of jello. Shake hell out of the boxes. Remove the coated fish and place in a rubber dish. Mix remaining jello with water and carefully pour into a mold.
Throw the rubber dish up into the air until all of the catfish have fallen into the dirt around your campfire. Turn fish. Place in mold with jello. Cool.
For a delectable sauce combing 4 oz Tabasco with half-gallon vinegar and add one tsp. brown sugar and a pint of club soda. Cook for a while.
As a special family activity take the (hopefully) uneaten heads and tails of the fish and make swell little puppets out of them with toothpicks and some material from Mom’s sewing box. A resourceful or bored young camper will soon experiment with all sorts of applications here such as fish pantomime and song and dance. What fun!
TWENTY OF THE BEST USES FOR LEFTOVER FRUITCAKE
It’s August. Do you know where last December’s fruit cake is? We chose 20 of our favorites from the recently released 10,000 Uses For Fruit Cake by Macon (Ga.) Bros. Press. Here they are:
1. Soft, absorbent airport runways and circuit boards for computerized baggage claim systems
2. Spongy, once-edible lifts for shoes
3. Decorative moss Mediterranean fireplace grout
4. Trail tofu kibble for small herd animals
5. Mediterranean house trailer skirting
6. Throw-away windshield scraper/breakfast bars (check use dates)
7. Candied stick deodorant
8. Sure-grip roofing supplement spikes for safe snow removal
9. Tear-away political platforms
10. Solar-Spell Astroturf
11. A offensive line for the Broncos.
12. Dog house insulation
13. Congressional dartboards
14. Leak-proof chinking material
15. Canvasses for bad western artists
16. Jigsaw puzzles
17. Patching for the ozone
18. Square Frisbees
19. U.S. Constitution one-speed bicycle grips
20. Succulent decoupage
-edited for clarity by Estelle Marmotbreath, critic
“You have to believe. That’s what I think. It’s not about medicine and all that stuff. You have to believe a person can get better. There is so much in the human mind we don’t understand, but you see if you have faith you can do anything.”
- Young girl working at convenience store near Kingsbridge talking about cancer recovery in The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry
