All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
LOCAL POWER OFF
(Wimpton Towne — July 8, 2016)
The local electricity will be shut off at approximately 4:18 am on May 22 so that necessary repairs and adjustments can be made in accordance with an abundance of solar and wind-generated power. The traditional snail-wire power will be restored at 5:28 on November 6. We hope that none of our beloved customers are inconvenienced by this lapse in service. Strategic Power Points will remain connected to the grid due to those large nuclear missile emplacements that were built last fall north of the population center. If anyone has issues with this plan they should leave the country.
Poodle Outfitter
Tracking Big Game
with Pierre le Gallant
Soon bear season will be upon us and if you’re looking to find any of these furry beasts you’re gona have to get out into the woods. My favorite spots are Roubidoux Canyon, Black Mesa and the wilds of the Uncompahgre Plateau.
I am the Poodle Outfitter. Logistics are my business.
There are plenty of methods aimed at attracting black bears. The most primitive, yet popular is to bury a dead cow and wait. Bear love the delicacy of carcasses full of maggots. They often bury their food before eating.
Another way to lure the bear into the staging area is o use candy. They love the stuff. Usually one can acquire seconds from Russell Stover or one of his friends. Simply bury the candy about a foot deep…and sprinkle a few pieces on the surface. The bear will find it.
The practice of stealing a bear cub from its mother might work but most likely turn into a fiasco. Baiting works better, and is far safer.
Remember that bear climb trees like chimps and travel at the speed of a slow cheetah. The concept here is to tree a bear not have the bear tree the hunter. Many hunters use dogs to tree the bear then shoot it from the safety of their entourage. How brave. I prefer to shoot elk because the neat is far better and the toy manufacturers do not offer a teddy elk to little children.
After one shoots a bear he has to skin it. I have an arsenal of tools for this purpose. Send my $70 and I’ll forward an exclusive brochure. I have mounted bear and lion heads all over my little dog house. Along with these is the bull elephant I shot in Kenya last winter and the polar bear I nailed with a #6 missile launcher in Siberia in June.
But no more free information. If you want to get out there where men are men call me on my 800 number and arrange a pack trip. Anyone can shoot a prairie dog or land a trout. It takes cajones to blast a bear.
July 2, 2016
Lawn Therapy Saves the Day
(Grassy Mojo, CO — June 29, 2016
Most of my friends think I’m a moron because I spend so much time working in my yard. They say I could be drinking or watching sports on TV. Some say I am even anal-retentive because I relish a lush, green field of grass and healthy trees.
My contention holds that this type of daytime activity is worth more than surface peeks might let on. It could very well be the most readily available therapy because it’s right outside the door. It could just be the most effective stress relief and a lucid meditative opportunity going.
Imagine the benefits garnished by watering a Russian olive tree and watching it perk up in the late afternoon sun. Try hauling leaves and branches to the dump for the ultimate cleansing. Look at your beautiful green lawn now. It certainly gives one a sense of natural order as well as the realization that he is only a small cog in this planetary mess we call civilization.
The trick is to get an early jump on your lawn before it gets a jump on you. I start every morning with riding mower calisthenics. Getting up before dawn is especially effective when fighting crabgrass and weeds. Always attack at dawn. I don’t recall who first said these immortal words but it doesn’t matter.
While some guys and gals are at the golf course or hanging their fat butts off a barstool I am up to mine in grass clippings. What a feeling! By mid-morning it’s time to move the sprinklers then a light lunch. After eating we move into the more technical aspects of our chore
Continued on Folly or Fertility, hiding in the cosmic turf wars
Hunters must employ caddies in 2017
(Rocky Mountain Hideaway – Logistical Laughs – June 26, 2016)
It was a day that many said would never come. Today the Colorado Division of Wildlife approved the Mandatory Caddie Law for all out-of-state hunters. The new regulation, which requires all hunters travel with a caddie, has been receiving increased lip service since incidents of chronic operator error have skyrocketed in certain ranks.
Colorado residents will not be obliged to employ an aide-de-camp although they are encouraged to do so.
“This way we can better insure a more diverse circulation of funds generated by hunters. We hope it will more evenly distribute the all important fiscal impact curve,” said Sandy Bunker, of the DOW/Fairway Division, “or they may fire all of our asses.”
Due to harsh criticism that it has manipulated the purse strings of the annual hunting season, the DOW is attempting to spread the wealth outside the arenas of grocery and convenience stores into the pockets of Americans. Over 400 caddies have already enrolled in the program.
Candidates must be over four feet tall, be amenable to working nights and have a strong background in land management.
– Gabby Haze
Woman Hit By Golf Ball Looks to Politics
(Montrose, CO — June 22, 2016) A local woman, struck by a colossal drive at The Bridges on Thursday has decided to embrace a career in politics. Susie Compost, of Pea Green, was hit on the top of the head by a Top Flight ball while she lined up a putt.
At first she considered legal action but was persuaded to look in more positive directions.
“Once she regained her senses she decided that running for office would give her something to do in the afternoons,” said a close friend and mentor. “She plays 18 every morning.”
At present neither major party has shown much interest.
Compost, a mustache trainer by profession, told The Horseshoe that a position as county commissioner was attractive but that she might consider a run for the White House.
Although a rare occasion, golfers do not always duck properly, and a few get bonked every season.
“It’s just a part of the game like bunkers and bears on the greens,” she smiled.
– Rocky Flats
“Remember to swing through it, to undress the ball.”
– Lee Traveno
Wall Street Bankers’ Organs Worthless to Science
(Mao Clinic — Hedger’s Review — June 22, 2016)
The American Medical Association, backing up affirmations by researchers here, has further established that organs donated by Wall Street bankers and most brokers are scientifically worthless. These include hearts, livers, as well as assorted nervous system parts and accessories.
In particular it is the heart that is of no use to medicine since that organ tends to shrink with every questionable transaction.
“While the chest may be extended the heart is most likely diminished due to professional associations, elitism and greed,” said one surgeon at Mao. “The hearts arrive post mortem and are sent back. Sometimes it requires a microscope to even see them much less detect a viable beat.”
Surgeons were quick to point out that any act of benevolence, such as willing one’s physical body to science, is appreciated by the hospital.
“They are also far too cold to be transplanted into the chest of a normal, warm-blooded human being,” added the source. “Most of their livers are shot as well due to years of alcohol abuse which tends to accompany the high stress work.”
The nervous system of the average Wall Street trader resembles the drive train on a rusted out Pinto (car not bean) and is of no use at all. Doctors here say many of the people are setting themselves up for an early end
“They should radically change their lifestyles, give away all their money and devote their lives to helping the poor,” said another Mao spokesperson, sliding into a bright red Alpha Romeo. “We at Mao are only happy to soothe this fiscal plight, especially if it leads to a healthier mind and body. After all, isn’t that what medicine is all about?”
None of the medical personnel cared to comment when asked about the value of Wall Street souls.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
