All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category
FALL TV PROGRAMS STIMULATING
(New York) Here are some of the more imaginative television shows for fall with a short synopsis of the first episode.
ALL THE TEA IN CHINA – A 3-year-old computer hack isolates a secret code, breaks into Pentagon memory banks and orders the bombing of Shanghai cablevision installations despite a weekend ban on campfires.
COOKING WITH LITIGATION – The pilot program traces the 1997 nightmare caused by giant mushrooms clogging Slumgullion Pass while anti-fungal crews risked everything to return to the status quo. When Zen prosecutors arrive on the scene aspen trees turn to celery sticks and marsh wasp impersonators promise the moon. Justice is served on a steaming bed of rice.
GREAT CITIES OF AMERICA – The first show chronicles the nightlife to be found in Columbus, Ohio.
JUST US HUMUS – Jim Bob tries to convince Lucinda to go out with him even though he’s been transformed into a glass of ice tea. Junior is in jail again but his pickup is running. Love scenes are pushing the limit on sugar and lemon.
WHAM-SLAM-BAM – Can pagan babies make it in the NBA? Find out yourself as one jiveless ex-Welfare family embraces capitalism in size 20 sneakers. Exclusively on The Pagan Baby Network. Sponsored by Nun Block Salve.
THE SPANDEX MYSTERY THEATER – RVs full to the brim with seeping garbage are shot into space just as Cynthia hears from Rob and Dave sleeps with Josephine. Arlo’s See-Thru Fashion line gets the nix in the Garment District and the price of vermouth skyrockets.
HILLBILLY HEAVEN – Transient Frog Boy antics upset second-home owners near Telluride. Joe’s nuclear cell phone ends up at the bottom of an abandoned Marshal Basin mine shaft with Joe stuck to it. The cops will have to investigate.
ARIZONA’S FUNNIEST BATHROOM VIDEOS – Veronica enjoys her 80th birthday having survived a bubble bath while her worthless off-spring attempts to siphon off champagne. Nice desert sunsets break up the suspense. The social flow is soon interrupted by a visit from the always thirsty Brian the Geek with the afternoon racing form.
SAN JUAN SAGAS – In a vain attempt to preserve the Needles Rain Forest Alferd Packer returns to his old haunts and eats the Ouray-Silverton Truck Driving Academy for lunch.
Beer Trucks in Fender Bender
(Montrose, CO Townsend Avenue Tally November 19, 2016)
Two large semis filled to the brink with ice-cold beer collided today in Montrose, spewing an estimated 2000 gallons of suds at the intersection of Main and Townsend. The delivery vehicles belonged to Instant Mountain Distributing and Colorado Bottles and Things respectively.
“We haven’t seen this much moisture running down the street since last year’s monsoon,” said a patron at Niko’s Tavern who had just left the bar for an afternoon stroll. “It was a living hell out there.”
Passersby confirmed a four-foot wall of water flowing ominously down Main Street toward the Town Hall Bar precariously drifting into the historic banking district. Meanwhile over on Main the beer bogged down traffic and threatened the flashy yet poorly planned Bad Restaurant Row further south.
“If it weren’t for a volunteer contingent of thirsty citizens the city might have been toast,” said one councilperson. “For a while there it appeared we would be overrun,” he burped.
Town wrecking crews were on the scene in moments handing out packs of Dixie cups, towing cars and mopping up malt and hops. The drivers of the two trucks were not available for comment. No citations were given
The mishap was the worst of its kind since 1945 when a turboprop henway, caught between a hailstorm and a flock of Canadian geese, dropped 30 bags of gold dust onto an open skylight/swamp cooler at Stockmen’s Cafe. There were no direct hits and only minor injuries reported. The gold was never recovered. Common consensus chronicles the windfall as having been spent on pitchers of beer and chicken enchiladas moments before Crime Shoppers arrived on the scene.
– Susie Compost
Ode to Brave Hempsmen
Progress surfaces amid the ashes of ignorance with agricultural prowess in California, Nevada and Massachusetts! States Rights, ain’t it? Down with legal opiates, government officials, genetically modified corn, digital beeps, snowmen on fire, cats that eat whiskers, potholes and Wall Street bullies.
Economy Mostly Cloudy
(North America — Any Day Now News — November 13, 2016)
Financial skies were mostly cloudy over most of the nation as markets closed today. Scattered insufficient funds hung over parts of the South while drizzling interest rates collided with thunderous inflationary fronts moving in from the East.
Cooler investments and high-pressure stock options continue to plague investors in the Rockies while high winds and showers are likely on Wall Street through the weekend. A cold front will push across the Midwest linking up with an upswing in retail sales and new housing starts. Creeping inflation will continue to gnaw away at the water table. Despite all precautions taken by the benevolent brotherhood of banking industry consumers can expect to get soaked.
Meanwhile the indoor climate will remain constant with a persistent dry recovery rumored by spring run-off, when disturbances, punctuated by torrential tremors and blinding light, will increase to epic proportions. Highs today would hover and dip then jolt and bolt on the American and New York stock exchanges. Elevations above and below 11,000 feet will not be affected.
Across the central third of the nation it will remain flat, overcast, hot and humid with pockets of riveting boredom and frightening political conclusions. Out West, an imbalance will surface due to a low-pressure front arriving on the next day’s business.
Supply-side global warming has killed the philodendrons in the secret meeting vault and has depleted the snowpack reserves from our last fiscal year. Six-packs of northerly moisture from Canada are expected to alleviate that mini-crisis by the middle of the eek.
Bold face quotations include: “Tie down the horses – It’s a twister!” and “Only fools and tourists try to predict stock index futures.”
– Wendy Whether-Spoon
Just in time for something or the other….
Poster by Jeff Brown, Real Alaska Magazine
Cruz would seize Ottawa by February
(Houston-on-Gulf Fantasy Land Press – November 1, 2016)
Early action on the part of fantasy league President Ted Cruz will be the seizure of the Canadian capital at Ottawa, it was disclosed today. The military conquest of Canada, which would begin with the carpet-bombing of Ontario, would soon result in quick capitulation, according to aides loyal to Cruz.
The three-pronged assault, top secret until yesterday, would feature nautical landings on Lake Erie and Huron; tank advances into the Rockies and a frontal attack across the St Lawrence River Valley. Tagged Operation Barbarella, the blitzkrieg would result in a Canada on her knees eager to capitulate.
The meganation, just to the north of the United States, became a target priority due to the rise of liberal-communist government and its desire to legalize marijuana in 2017. That status is particularly aggravated by reluctance on the part of the new government to crack down on socialism and atheists.
It is also one of the few countries that Cruz supporters could successfully locate on a world map.
Since Canada is the birthplace of this great evangelical marvel, the inevitable comparison with the Anschuss with Austria has evolved. In 1938 Adolf Hitler grabbed his birthplace of Austria, annexing it to Germany. Many historians add that Cruz will employ the same snake oil used by Hitler when the artillery assault begins.
Afterwards, Canada would be stripped of all resources, mined, fracked, harvested, plowed and blacktopped by corporate deacon crews. The extreme northern reaches are to be sold off to Russia, all treaties with native peoples rescinded, Canadian bacon would be genetically modified, all beer brewed above the former international border would be watered down. Hockey would be banned on Sundays as a punitive measure.
The detailed blueprint for this confiscation is painfully chronicled in a tight, minute-to-minute fashion. More churches and prisons would be built in the ashes while schools and Planned Parenthood clinics would be torched along with libraries.
French populations in Quebec would be deported to make room for arriving Evangelical farmers from the U.S. Wall Street tycoon and wife of Ted, Heidi Cruz would oversee the banking system until it could be systematically strangled and finally terminated in 2018.
Meanwhile voices from the rich Canadian yolk cry out. “How could he do this to us? We were so good to him.”
“The Sudetenland…er I mean Alberta, would provide us with the breadbasket necessary to impose our will on the rest of humanity,” said Cruz from a shrimp boat in Houston. “I will personally arrest this Communist President Thoreau or whatever his name is, and settle the godless frolic that is today’s Canada!”
“Soon Canada would assimilate and become part of the greater nation giving us 61 states which has been clearly foretold in scripture. (Ted Verse 45: 22-27) “Never let an opportunity pass before thee. They are the blind children of lies and follies and will always run to the rabbit hole when danger lingers. Be that rabbit hole.”
Cruz did not coment on a rumor moving the capital to Winnipeg so it can be easily defended in the event of a nuclear strike.
– Susie Compost
