All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

Residents Warned on Second Hand News

(Ridgway, CO — Unreliable Sources on Parade — December  3, 2016)

Public health officials here have issued a warning as to the dangers of inhaling second hand news accounts.

It has long been believed that facts, secrets and rumors floating along earth’s atmospheric wall were harmless, but new tests show that physical and mental damage often occur from prolonged exposure to indirect information and whispers meant for others. Sometimes these experiences can be fatal at least in the sense of logic and good taste.

“Although logic and good taste have taken a backseat with recent political upheavals we can still use these parameters to determine personal freedoms as compared to verbal intrusions and primal screams,” said Arnolt Worde, a semantic technician and survivor of America’s public schools.

The health people recommend avoiding exposure to secondary news especially in unventilated areas such as saloons and town meetings.

– Sue Nammi

FALL TV PROGRAMS STIMULATING

(New York) Here are some of the more imaginative television shows for fall with a short synopsis of the first episode.

ALL THE TEA IN CHINA – A 3-year-old computer hack isolates a secret code, breaks into Pentagon memory banks and orders the bombing of Shanghai cablevision installations despite a weekend ban on campfires.
COOKING WITH LITIGATION – The pilot program traces the 1997 nightmare caused by giant mushrooms clogging Slumgullion Pass while anti-fungal crews risked everything to return to the status quo. When Zen prosecutors arrive on the scene aspen trees turn to celery sticks and marsh wasp impersonators promise the moon. Justice is served on a steaming bed of rice.
GREAT CITIES OF AMERICA – The first show chronicles the nightlife to be found in Columbus, Ohio.
JUST US HUMUS – Jim Bob tries to convince Lucinda to go out with him even though he’s been transformed into a glass of ice tea. Junior is in jail again but his pickup is running. Love scenes are pushing the limit on sugar and lemon.
WHAM-SLAM-BAM – Can pagan babies make it in the NBA? Find out yourself as one jiveless ex-Welfare family embraces capitalism in size 20 sneakers. Exclusively on The Pagan Baby Network. Sponsored by Nun Block Salve.
THE SPANDEX MYSTERY THEATER – RVs full to the brim with seeping garbage are shot into space just as Cynthia hears from Rob and Dave sleeps with Josephine. Arlo’s See-Thru Fashion line gets the nix in the Garment District and the price of vermouth skyrockets.
HILLBILLY HEAVEN – Transient Frog Boy antics upset second-home owners near Telluride. Joe’s nuclear cell phone ends up at the bottom of an abandoned Marshal Basin mine shaft with Joe stuck to it. The cops will have to investigate.
ARIZONA’S FUNNIEST BATHROOM VIDEOS – Veronica enjoys her 80th birthday having survived a bubble bath while her worthless off-spring attempts to siphon off champagne. Nice desert sunsets break up the suspense. The social flow is soon interrupted by a visit from the always thirsty Brian the Geek with the afternoon racing form.
SAN JUAN SAGAS – In a vain attempt to preserve the Needles Rain Forest Alferd Packer returns to his old haunts and eats the Ouray-Silverton Truck Driving Academy for lunch.

Beer Trucks in Fender Bender

(Montrose, CO  Townsend Avenue Tally  November 19, 2016)

Two large semis filled to the brink with ice-cold beer collided today in Montrose, spewing an estimated 2000 gallons of suds at the intersection of Main and Townsend. The delivery vehicles belonged to Instant Mountain Distributing and Colorado Bottles and Things respectively.

“We haven’t seen this much moisture running down the street since last year’s monsoon,” said a patron at Niko’s Tavern who had just left the bar for an afternoon stroll. “It was a living hell out there.”

Passersby confirmed a four-foot wall of water flowing ominously down Main Street toward the Town Hall Bar precariously drifting into the historic banking district. Meanwhile over on Main the beer bogged down traffic and threatened the flashy yet poorly planned Bad Restaurant Row further south.

“If it weren’t for a volunteer contingent of thirsty citizens the city might have been toast,” said one councilperson. “For a while there it appeared we would be overrun,” he burped.

Town wrecking crews were on the scene in moments handing out packs of Dixie cups, towing cars and mopping up malt and hops. The drivers of the two trucks were not available for comment. No citations were given

The mishap was the worst of its kind since 1945 when a turboprop henway, caught between a hailstorm and a flock of Canadian geese, dropped 30 bags of gold dust onto an open skylight/swamp cooler at Stockmen’s Cafe. There were no direct hits and only minor injuries reported. The gold was never recovered. Common consensus chronicles the windfall as having been spent on pitchers of beer and chicken enchiladas moments before Crime Shoppers arrived on the scene.

– Susie Compost

Ode to Brave Hempsmen

Progress surfaces amid the ashes of ignorance with agricultural prowess in California, Nevada and Massachusetts! States Rights, ain’t it? Down with legal opiates, government officials, genetically modified corn, digital beeps, snowmen on fire, cats that eat whiskers, potholes and Wall Street bullies.

Economy Mostly Cloudy

(North America  —  Any Day Now News  —  November 13,  2016)

Financial skies were mostly cloudy over most of the nation as markets closed today. Scattered insufficient funds hung over parts of the South while drizzling interest rates collided with thunderous inflationary fronts moving in from the East.

Cooler investments and high-pressure stock options continue to plague investors in the Rockies while high winds and showers are likely on Wall Street through the weekend. A cold front will push across the Midwest linking up with an upswing in retail sales and new housing starts. Creeping inflation will continue to gnaw away at the water table. Despite all precautions taken by the benevolent brotherhood of banking industry consumers can expect to get soaked.

Meanwhile the indoor climate will remain constant with a persistent dry recovery rumored by spring run-off, when disturbances, punctuated by torrential tremors and blinding light, will increase to epic proportions. Highs today would hover and dip then jolt and bolt on the American and New York stock exchanges. Elevations above and below 11,000 feet will not be affected.

Across the central third of the nation it will remain flat, overcast, hot and humid with pockets of riveting boredom and frightening political conclusions. Out West, an imbalance will surface due to a low-pressure front arriving on the next day’s business.

Supply-side global warming has killed the philodendrons in the secret meeting vault and has depleted the snowpack reserves from our last fiscal year. Six-packs of northerly moisture from Canada are expected to alleviate that mini-crisis by the middle of the eek.

Bold face quotations include: “Tie down the horses – It’s a twister!” and “Only fools and tourists try to predict stock index futures.”
– Wendy Whether-Spoon

Just in time for something or the other….

Poster by Jeff Brown, Real Alaska Magazine