All Entries in the "Fractured Opinion" Category

EMPTY-HEADED GEOGRAPHY QUIZ

Which state does the Utah Jazz call home?

That’s an easy one, but in keeping with federal attempts to improve education for all, we must arrive at some common denominator. That’s the point of the following quiz: Along the lines of accepted gov’ment thinking if everyone succeeds and scores in the 90th percentile that must mean education (as it now exists) is functioning right along at the same pace.

So let us get those literacy rates up. The schools are already a mess so let’s go ahead and run them all damn summer!  It is with the application of these simple solutions that euphoria will overrun our basic social institutions and we will achieve the goal of more ineffective education for all. You betcha. Amen.

1. In 1883, Mark Twain wrote Life on the Mississippi. What river was he talking about?

a. The Gunnison

b. The Missouri

c. The San Miguel

d. The Mississippi

2. In what country do the Chinese reside?

a. Japan

b. Holland

c. Wyoming

d. China

3. What four state capitals where named after former American Presidents?

a. Austin, Phoenix, Columbus and Sacramento

b. Madison, Lincoln, Jackson and Jefferson City

c. Montpelier, Carson City, Baton Rouge, Winston-Salem

d. Hoover, Wilson, Roosevelt and Nixon.

4. Is Alaska farther north than Alabama? When?

5. What do Oahu, Maui, Hawaii and Kauai have in common?

6. In what country is Norwegian the official language?

a. Sweden

b. Finland

c. Norway

d. Chad

7. In what country are the Austrian Alps located?

a. Mexico

b. Austria

c. Italy

d. Germany

8. The saying “When in Rome do as the Romans do” is attributed to what city?

a. Paris

b. Rome, Italy

c. Rome, New York

d. Antwerp

9. Name two countries that touch the Indian Ocean. What does the Continental Divide divide? What city in Georgia is named after Christopher Columbus? Ohio?

10. What country did Rickey Ricardo come from?

a. Pakistan

b. South Africa

c. Cuba

d. Bolivia

11. Over what nation was the Battle of Britain fought?

a. The Nation of Islam

b. Canada

c. England

d. I don’t know. I wasn’t alive then. Maybe Utah.

12. What country dominates the Mexican Peninsula?

a. Costa Rica

b. Venezuela

c. Mexico

d. Tijuana

13. Which has a larger landmass, Greenland or Iceland? Russia or Monaco? Saudi Arabia or Israel? Australia or Denmark?

14. What is the literal translation of Newfoundland?

a. nice doggie

b. new found land

c. Codfish paradise

d. big, cold trailer park on the way to the Arctic Circle.

15. Just who named Hudson Bay?

a. James Brown

b. Little Richard

c. Henry Hudson

d. L.L. Bean

16. The Scottish terrier was bred in what country?

a. Yes

b. Iran (Persia)

c. Scotland

d. Luxembourg

17. What country is known for Swiss cheese and discreet banking practices?

a. Czechoslovakia

b. North Korea

c. Switzerland

d. Haiti

18. Spell Egypt.

19. What’s the difference between North Dakota and South Dakota?

20. If you had Prince Edward in a can where would you keep him?

a. Britain

b. Nova Scotia

c. Prince Edward Island

d. North Carolina.

Send your answers and $35 to Box 1209, Ouray, CO 81427. If you are chosen you will receive our monthly newsletter and nothing else. Thanks for taking the test.

Traffic Banned on Dirt Roads

(Ridgway) Due to complaints from new residents here all traffic will be banned from dirt roads until further notice. Citing dust as the main culprit, the petitioners, many from the freshly paved worlds of the suburbs and the cities, say they did not realize the inconveniences and potential health hazards when they purchased their property.

Parties excluded from the ban are strictly local traffic and service vehicles necessary to insure the New West lifestyle. It was not known how other citizens will adapt to the measure or how long they will be forbidden to traverse the effected by-ways. Either an ID card system or official tattoos are expected to be employed to identify the good folk from trespassers.

“You better keep an eye on that long-haired nut.”(referring to Bill McSorely’s friend and regular customer, Czech anarchist, Hipployte Havel) said a cop to McSorely, proprietor of the famous McSorely’s Old Ale House in Manhattan in 1935.

“Why?” asked Bill.

“Hell fire man, Havel’s an anarchist,” continued the cop. “He’s in favor of blowing up every bank in the city.”

“So am I,” said Bill.

THE GREAT CITIBANK PLASTIC CONSPIRACY

Observing a shaggy creature along the side of Highway 50, Red slowed down to have a look. He wasn’t even to Grand Junction yet and he was bored. It’s a skinny young punk with a seedy duffel bag. Nobody’s gonna stop for him and it’s already getting dark. What the hell…

“Where you going, son?” asked Red as he swerved to miss a gaping mud hole.

“Montana, eastern Montana,” was the response.

“Get in. You’re in luck. I’m headed to North Dakota. That’s somewhere in the ballpark. Then I’m aiming this old Ford at Manitoba, someplace up on Lake Winnipeg.”

“Never been there,” said the kid.

“No feds up there,” said Red, “at least not the Yankee version. No suburbs, no malls, no chains, no credit cards…Paradise.”

“Yeah, paradise,” smiled Sam, bracing himself for yet another hitchhiking monologue, the price of a free ride.

“How far is it to Dakota, or Manitoba…or wherever you’re headed?” he asked, fanning the conversation.

“Why you wanna know, son? You ain’t one of them undercover federal agents are you?”

“No, sir. I ain’t ever even been to Washington, or nothin’,” said Sam. “All my family are from these mountains. We only pay taxes to keep the government from taking our land. Honest.”

“I believe you, boy. You don’t look like no fed. What takes you to Montana?” asked Red

“My sister’s up there and I thought I might find work.”

“I hear there’s lots of work but survival on the pay may be something else,” frowned Red.

“Course it’s the same around Western Colorado. There’s never been much work but it’s even worse since the blood-suckers moved in. Did you know that at least we had family-owned businesses in these parts and people could actually exist on their weekly pay. That’s before the corporate scalawags showed up. Now even the banks are from out of town.”

“I sure hope Montana is still backwards, or at least behind those kind of times. I’d like to find a job on a ranch,” shrugged the passenger.

“Watch out for them too!” stressed Red. “Lots of them have gone big city too with hormones in the cows and computers in the barn, buying calves on their Mastercards and reporting to some New York guy in a suit.”

Red pulled the pickup off the highway at Whitewater and said he needed to buy a map of Wyoming and points beyond. He went into a small store and came out with three boxes of shells, some bottled water and an assortment of sun bleached maps.

“Take a look at these maps,” he said. “I can’t read them without my bi-focals and I lost them back in September. Haven’t had the money to get a new pair,” he smiled unveiling a set of stained, staggered teeth, hanging onto puffy gums for dear life. “Wyoming’s at the top, then Montana. Over to the east is North Dakota.”

“We got a long way to go. I’d be happy to do some of the driving if you like.”

“Don’t think so, son. I don’t want them to nail you as an accomplice,” answered Red, still locked in a windshield gaze. “You want a swig of water? It’s mostly for the radiator. That clown back at the store didn’t have a hose. Said his water froze up last night. Don’t seem possible with this warm weather and all. This old pickup may get real thirsty climbing Douglas Pass. We gotta keep to the back roads and the higher ground so we ain’t detected by the authorities.”

“Excuse me, sir, but are you wanted for something, not that I mind, but are you?” asked Sam

“Not yet, kid,” sparked Red, smiling away. “But with any luck every cop between here and Nogales will soon know my name. Wait…what am I’m telling you for? I don’t even know you. Where you from anyway?” asked Red, getting serious for a moment.

“But with any luck every cop between here and Nogales will soon know my name. Wait…what am I’m telling you for? I don’t even know you. Where you from anyway?”

“My name is Sam and I’m from Norwood, Colorado,” said Sam. “I grew up raising cattle but dad got tired of living in debt, sold the ranch to some Hollywood celebrity talk show host, and moved to Denver. They figured the money would take care of retirement…”

“Which talk show host?” asked Red.

“O-Fire Pear-Tree, I think was her name,” said Sam.

“Oh, yeah, I watched her some days when I was out of work. Tries to make a big mess then clean it up in a half hour. Like’s silly controversy. Is that the one?”

“May be,” said Sam. “Now she’s got the ranch and I got nothin’. Guess that’s just the way it goes. You can’t fight city hall,” he sighed.

“City hall? What’s that got to do with anything? It’s the county what let things go to hell. All those tax assessors drooling over another Wal-Mart coming in. Commissioners far too impressed with all that money to stand up for their own–The end of commerce as we knew it. The newcomers and plenty of the young people don’t seem to notice the difference.”

“White shirts going to lunch, taking up space while our Real Western lifestyle goes to hell on a credit card machine. Used to be that America was for Americans….you know the founding fathers and such. Before you know it everyone will be on welfare with rolls of worthless paper money in their pockets. We’ll be speaking Chinese, eating rice and beans, dressed by the Salvation Army, wandering around in semi-circles with bones in our noses.”

“Everyone will be on welfare — rolls of worthless paper money in their pockets. We’ll be speaking Chinese, eating brown rice and black beans, dressed by the Salvation Army, wandering around in semi-circles with bones in our noses.”

“Ya think?” quipped Sam. “I figure we’re just gonna run out of everything, water fuel, food, land, air. The rich folks will control what’s left and the rest of us will just fade away…maybe to Lake Winnipeg or Lake Eire…who knows?

“Sounds like you’re ready to quit, boy. That’s no good. How do you think we beat the British? How do you think we whipped the Indians? You think Andy Jackson felt like that when he fought the Battle of New Orleans? What about San Juan Hill and the Kaiser? What about our great victories in Grenada and Panama? It takes balls to be free, son. Balls.”

“You’re right, but what can two beat up hay seeds in a broken down Ford pickup do about it?”

Red pulled over to the shoulder just outside Green River.     

“I’ll show you,” he smiled, motioning Sam to follow him around to the bed of the rusted-out truck. He gave the sagebrush landscape the once over then threw a small tarp off to the side of the bed, exposing what appeared to be enough dynamite to blow Rock Springs into the 21st century.

“Wow!” gulped an almost speechless Sam. “Where’d you get it?”

 Red again peered at the younger man suspiciously, then relaxed, realizing that, due to his indiscretion, his companion was already privy to the contraband.

 “Guess there’s no secret between us now, kid,” he said, slapping Sam on the back. “I swiped most of this powder from the Camp Bird back in the 70s. The fuses I brought from Lake City. I tested everything and it’s all as fresh as cow pies in the morning dew! The rifles are mine. I bought them from a fellow in Dolores. Those baby land mines are from my brother. How he smuggled them back from Southeast Asia is anybody’s guess. Half the army was sending dope back in stereo speakers but not Carl. He was busy shipping high explosives, care of the U.S. mail.”

Both men stood at the rear of the pickup, one admiring the cargo, the other wondering what he had gotten himself into on such a chilly winter evening.

“There’s a liquor store in Rock Springs,” said Red. “Let’s grab a six-pack and I’ll fill you in on the rest of this caper.”

The two wandered into Oil Shale Liquors, bought a six-pack and two cigars. The headline on the local paper whined about the economy and the arrival of another mega discount outlet to Sweetwater County. The clerk looked bored. She was watching an O-Fire Pear-Tree re-run on a tiny television. The picture was cloudy.

“Not much for reception, huh?” offered Red.

“The boss won’t get cable…says he can’t afford it,” said the clerk. “I’ve got a dish at home. Got it for Christmas. Just put it on my Visa card. Gets 300 channels, I think…”

“That’s a lot of television,” quipped Sam in forced response. “How do you have time for anything else?” he teased.

“What else is there,” said the clerk as deadpan as the Bridger Basin landscape.

The engine limped to a start and two beers were cracked as the Ford paced its way toward Riverton.

“I know a great cafe in Riverton, good coffee, cute waitresses, decent food,” said Red. “It’s up the road the other side of Lander.  You gettin’ hungry?”

“I’ll be hungry by then, but I’m a little short of money,” replied Sam, hanging his head. “You go ahead I’ll just…”

“Can it, kid,” said Red. “I’ve got a wad of cash and besides, maybe you can make a little phone call for me before I turn east at Billings. Don’t worry about it.”

“You were going to tell me what the dynamite and the rest of your arsenal is for,” started Sam.

“Oh, yeah,” said Red, checking out his passenger once again. For starters, do you happen to remember the conspiracy to blow up Disney World back in 1994?”

“Not really,” answered Sam warily.

“That was my deal. It created quite a stir at the federal level. We had the FBI and CIA and ATF and the cops running around in circles. Sadly enough my partner flaked out on me and security got wind of us before we could get close enough to do business. Later that year we completed the blueprint for sending mortars into the local IRS office but that fell apart when our funds ran out. We didn’t want to hurt anyone just scare ’em. You must remember the Janet Reno kidnapping scheme. It was in all the papers!”

Sam lied saying he’d heard something about Reno and a boggled kidnapping attempt.

“That was my deal too,” bragged Red. “It was right after the Ruby Ridge hearings. We would have pulled it off too but we could never figure out who would pay much ransom. Who in their right mind would pay to get her back?” he laughed. “We had our chance since she was in Idaho for over a week.”

“So you planning to blow up North Dakota?” asked Sam wangling his way back to the subject at hand.

“Just part of it,” answered Red coolly, meeting the gaze of his rider. “Just one part of it. Just Citibank Visa. Just a block or so of downtown Bismarck.”

TO BE CONTINUED    

US Selling Clean Air to China

Yeah, we’ve got water but…

Gun Lobbyists Angry Over Dodging Bullet Reference

(Washington) The weapons industry is up in arms this morning after a wire services report asserting that the group had “dodged a bullet” on further gun control legislation.

The noted reprieve allegedly occurred after the House voted to table a discussion on further background checks at the time of a purchase and the option of a follow-up investigation if red flags present themselves down the road.

Several Republican gun proponents say the terminology was insensitive and it suggested they could make great targets.

“These enemies of the people will stop at nothing to turn America over to the socialists,” said one representative bankrolled by the weapons lobby.

“Just look around. The country is full of whackos with assault rifles and this article clearly puts pro-gun officials in the line of fire.”

The editors of this piece say they were not encouraging violence or enabling hate groups even though the other side does so every day. They say they were simply writing a headline and that the expression, while admittedly “close to the core” was spot on and “a damn good use of the language”.

When asked if they thought the media was in part to blame for gun violence they did not respond.

“These elected officials are trading the story and safety of their country for 40 pieces of silver, aren’t they?” asked one journalist who contributed to the report. “People are irresponsible and abusive with everything from umbrellas to paper clips. Why would we expect any difference from a man holding a loaded gun?”

Responsible gun owners, keen to separate themselves from all this pettiness in the capital, contend that all the laws in the universe would not keep guns out of the hands of criminals.

“They just buy illegally,” said one pro-gun activist. “We must change the consciousness of an entire nation that was built on violence. That won’t be easy but flapdoodle restriction on my owning guns is not the answer. I’ve got mountain lions running all over hell out at my place. If a hungry one comes to the door what should I do? Should I hit it with a dishtowel?

“While most gun owners are peaceful and responsible others should not have access to firearms at all. How could society achieve this balance without government intervention? Can these sociopaths be expected to police themselves?” he asked.

The “offended parties” threatened to take legal action after consultation with benefactors and a peek at the polls.

“The suggestion that they have dodged a bullet indicates that my clients were being shot at by someone,” said attorneys for the offended parties. “That statement alone incites violence and these scribes should be severely punished for irresponsible reporting, lewd partisanship and scapegoating.”

– Small Mouth Bess