All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Everything’s Broken Syndrome Epidemic
(New Jork – Wannabee Flyer — April, 2017)
Research engineers here confirm that the current state of social disrepair has outgrown its traditional parameters. The proportional statistics are not looking good for the future either.
Illustrating this rude malady we see broken vacuum cleaners, dysfunctional bread makers, a wrecked recliner…and that’s just in the living quarters. Out on the barn there is a dilapidated satellite dish, two camper trailers in pieces, a quaint but broken ceramic birdbath and a scattering of school desks scuttled before their time.
The trends see us moving toward throw-away everything in a recycled nightmare,” concludes Dr Irm Peawitt of the Polo Grounds Institute, a new age think tank, located under the 3rd Street Bridge which has been broken and out of commission since the end of hockey season.
“Today in our cities there are over 400,000 toasters out of commission while almost 2500 cars wouldn’t start this morning,” said Peawitt. “We haven’t a clue where to go with all of this but since our budget runs through next December we’ll keep coming to work. We have stored everything in secret, fireproof files for posterity and according to strict federal regulations.”
“God help these government people if the check writing machine or the shredder goes on the fritz,” laughed Peawitt. “My agency accomplishes little and therefore our shenanigans are an open book and every Friday we are paid in gold bars which are nice but often difficult to cash over the weekend.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
“Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.”
– Ann Wilson-Schaef
Cuba wants to use rum to repay debts
(Havana) The Cuban government has announced its aim to repay foreign debtors with it’s famous rums. (Name a few here) have been earmarked as the finest for export to countries who have helped the island nation weather he storm of economic embargo.
Russia and China are already on board with the Czech Republic, Vietnam and an assortment of South American countries showing interest in the plan. Other say “maybe…but what kind?”
A wide range of quality of rum exists in Cuba from gourmet to low-end. The rate of exchange and how the rum would be shipped were not clear however the architects of the exchange appear certain that the deal will go through, allowing everyone to enjoy the national nectar.
“Everyone knows about Havana cigars,” said one official here. “But many don’t realize we produce the finest rums in the world. Soon we might even sell the beverage in Western countries who have supported to embargo, she said.
Lobbyists with several Puerto Rican rum distillers have filed a complaint with the United Nations and the OAS but no one has responded from those organizations leading watchdogs to believe them naive in the ways of international business.
“The rum is easily the best and we don’t really want to export it at all,” said the source alluding to the thirsty residents of the Caribbean locale. “It’s either the rum or coconuts which are perishable or Fifties vintage Chevrolets that are cumbersome and somewhat impractical anywhere else but here.”
– Jolly Pena
“They think we’re old and useless. They forget that we too have earned he right to live! So I say if we are going to die, my friend, let us die trying, not sitting” – Sa to Ch’idzigyaak after the two old women were left behind by their starving nomadic tribe in the Arctic.
– Two Old Women by Velma Wallis
House Republican Yard sale:
April 10 – May 31: Uncompahgre National Forest, Rio Grand National Forest, Gunnison National Forest (silent bidding only please) plus household goods, children’s swings, toys, transmission for 1958 Edsel, used bed sheets, washer and dryer. No sales before 9 am. No phone calls.
New Eastwood Film Shot in Gunnison
(Jack’s Cabin) An internationally acclaimed script about Siberian prison guards training here appears to be headed for the silver screen. Directed by Clint Eastwood, who, according to a Harris Poll, is the nation’s most popular movie star, the film chronicles the lives of several Russian soldiers who trained in the Gunnison Valley for winter military duty in Siberia.
The story begins prior to World War I with czarist prison guards bivouacked up Taylor Canyon on a frigid morning. It follows the strained relations of the Stalin years and ends up with a present day scenario featuring joint cooperation between former Cold War enemies.
“Running the gauntlet from back in the early Nineteenth Century,” synopsized Eastwood, “we watch as clean-shaven, godless Red Slavic hordes are transformed into clean-shaven, red-blooded anti-terrorist contingents secretly linked to NATO. It has all the elements of another blockbuster.”
When surveyed most Gunnison residents were not sure if the film was based on fact or simply a fictitious account.
“It will beat the hell out of watching the weather reports,” said one chilly well digger who lives in Antelope Hills.
“I’d go to more movies in the winter but it’s too cold to leave the house,” said another resident who sells ice.
Although admittedly far fetched the movie does offer a human side when former Soviet Naval forces, sent to Miami for rest and recuperation, riot when told they won’t be returning to Gunnison for two weeks. This scene is reminiscent of clips from Doctor Shiva showing disgruntled Russian soldiers returning home from the front in 1916.
-Small Mouth Bess
The Ersatz Presidency
A One-Act Play
We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming and detour from our usual exclusion of all things Trumpesque because of the overload of issues generated by his presence at the helm. Our policy has been no avoid giving the President attention just like one would do with a mad child.
Scene: The Tower of Babble in NYC
Richard Wagner’s “Dien its das Reich” is playing in the background.
Steve Bannon: No you don’t understand! The orange hair stays. It’s all part of the distraction. He needs to keep the hair. It is such a magnificent smoke screen and it keeps too much from going over his head. I demand he keep the hair!
Will Hurd (R-TX) “The wall is a 3rd century solution to a 21st Century problem”
Jeff Sessions: I tried to dye my hair orange to match the President’s mop but it came out a kind of fool’s gold color. Now will the rest of the Cabinet and House GOP follow suit?
Kellyanne Conway: The Democtars are listening to us on the microwave. The shipment of red ties arrives in the House tomorrow. Then we will see who is loyal and who is not by color of the noose around their necks.
John McCain: What about the Russian dressing? This is blue cheese.
Will Hurd (R-TX) “The wall is a third century solution to a 21st Century problem”
Ted Cruz: What’s that? I missed it. I was talking to God.
God: “Why do you act like this Ted?
Why do you tell the sheep that you talk to me.
We have never talked. You are a hateful fake
Donald “Don’t Call Me Don” Trump: We appear to have accidentally pulled federal funding from FOX NEWS. It’s fantastic!
Mike Pence: My heart is with the GOP. I await my ascendency. My eyes are on my bank account. My soul is in an Indianapolis dumpster.
Ivanka Trump: Buy my line at Wal-Mart
Steve Bannon: Can I borrow some shampoo? I left mine in the War Room. Why is do I look like a wino? Why is my hair always dirty?
All: Trumpty Dumpty Putin and Lie, grabbed the girls and made them cry.
THE END
Ancient Bones Are Biscuits and Gravy
(Gunnison) What at first appeared to be ancient artifacts, possibly the bones of an Anasazi warrior, has turned out to be no more than petrified biscuits and gravy according to archaeologists here. The dig, centered in the area of W Mountain, will continue for another five years in the hopes of discovering more.
Scientists, who have been carefully extracting pieces of the puzzle from the rocky soil above Gunnison, were not thwarted by the laboratory findings.
“We have become accustomed to frustrations out here in the field,” said one digger. “Why just last year in Delta we thought we’d exhumed an ancient Ute canning operation but it turned out to be an abandoned Plymouth.”
Sources at Western State University insist that the dig continue adding that artifacts lend credence to theories that the Anasazi were not able to manipulate cholesterol levels and that, in short, they generally ate whatever ran across their path.
Although the quality and taste of the biscuits and gravy will not be known until the lab report is completed, conjecture here has it that the Ancient Ones made their own buttermilk biscuits and brewed a sort of gravy from buffalo milk and the excesses of smoked sausage.
After primary examination, the content of the gravy seems to match up with the consistency of a favorite trench mortar used to construct the Cliff Palace at Mesa Verde. This theory too, will be subject to the laboratory report.
“A regular diet like this may lead us to answers that have eluded us in the past,” said one scientist, “and once and for all determine the actual demise of an entire civilization.”
Tourists are asked to stay clear of the excavation site until about 2040.
– Melvin O’ Toole
