US May Magnetize Proposed Wall

(El Pesto) Shadow forces within the United States government continue to insist that robots from “another place and time” are illegally crossing our southern borders to take jobs away from American workers.
The answer to the problem: Magnetized walls from here to the Pacific Ocean.

Although no immigration wall of this magnitude currently exists many leading social and law enforcement agencies are calling for more security on top of what is yet to be built. Construction of a permanent control structure, once the kingpin of the Trump campaign appears to have fallen through the cracks in light of Russian probes, expensive Florida vacations and the crisis with North Korea.

And now it’s robots.

As anyone educated in the United States knows robots are built of metal and are governed by the laws of gravity and negative attraction factors that are known to immobilize robots. The clandestine blueprint, which allegedly calls for the installation of over 2 billion mounted microscopic magnets on the south side of the wall, has been criticized by a plethora of local business and civic groups and even human rights groups who say the action is not necessary.

“These robots are a figment of a paranoid imagination,” said one small border town mayor. If there are robots coming our way they will most likely take to performing jobs that no one else wants to do. The numbers may spike at first but will soon settle down in response to a sluggish economy like the human surge a few years ago”

He went on to add that most robots are economic refugees and do not pose problems for society.

“There are a few gangsters and criminal robots to be sure,” he frowned, “but what we need are better methods for culling these intruders and separating the bad apples from the good ones.”

Many residents confirm that no new wall has been constructed and that skeleton crews are only repairing existing infrastructure along the existing frontier.

“I for one wish they’d get off this wall business and rebuild the rotting infrastructure in the rest of the country,” scoffed the mayoral source. “Nobody seems too interested in this kind of work. Maybe there’s not enough money to be made. Maybe these robots would be interested in a little moonlighting.”

– Fred Zeppelin

INJURY-FREE 2017 AT LOCAL CAR WASHES

(Montrose) Not one person was lost in Montrose car washes so far in 2017 according to the Occupational Safety and Health Association . This phenomenon, when compared to 2016 when seven residents disappeared in the fine, soapy mists of cleanliness, was lauded as a great achievement by the city’s mayor and council, who spoke anonymously.

It is estimated that 148,937 persons washed cars here from January through August, up 14% from 2016. This year the slate is clean while some 22 persons were injured or at least chronicled as victims of the technology.

“We think the entire industry deserves a pat on the back because we can’t think of anything more pertinent to say,” said one city councilperson. “If other industries like banking (where hundreds are lost to ATM machines annually) and dog food producers (kibble dust) would take a hint here quality of life would improve for all of us.”

One local merchant Mango T. Gargoyle III, owner of Mango’s Mindanao Tiger Traps, of Spring Creek Mesa, praised the car wash attendants saying that without their keen vigil losses might have been substantial.

“Although not trained in an variety of medical emergency response these brave car wash technicians are a tough, savvy breed, capable of search and rescue procedures not known to the average Joe,” he quipped.

Gargoyle has been under investigation by both OSHA and the Colorado Department of Health for alleged safety abuses in the jungle and in the employee lunch room.

“They just won’t climb off my posterior!” he complained. “I pay taxes. I employee people all over the world. OK, so on occasion (OSHA estimates 300 former employees lost in 2015 alone) we lose a few workers. Lord knows with the state of affairs in 2017 people, and not tigers, are the expendable element.”

Meanwhile a gala celebration is slated for October with balloons, fireworks, rodent dogs and a visit from former Transportation Secretary, Federico Pena, who, much like Geraldo Rivera, is under investigation for manipulating his Hispanic heritage for ill gotten gains.

“We hope that  2017 will be incident free,” said one car wash troubleshooter. “I hate like hell trying to retrieve customers from our car wash. It’s really wet in there and they always struggle when I put them in the blower/microwave to dry.”

– Fred Zeppelin

NO KIDS IN THE POOL NEXT SUMMER

(Ouray) The city of Ouray has decided to ban all kids form the Municipal Hot Springs Pool between June 15 and Labor Day of 2018.  According to sources here the kids make far too much noise and create all kinds of problems for lifeguards and general security. In addition the city will save an estimated $35,000 on insurance.

     “Things have gotten out of hand over the past few years with kids running the whole show at the pool,” said Melvin Toolmeister, former East German freestyler turned Calvinist lapdog of the Sunday brunch set. “We have plenty of rivers and lakes in which the little tykes can express themselves without bothering people. Why do they insist on swimming pools when we’re loaded with golf corpses, playgrounds and art galleries?”

     Recent complaints by adults that the presence of children interrupts the cosmic flow have lead to the decision.

     “After all it’s the big people who pay the bills,” said the source. “When was the last time you saw a 5-year-old with a hundred-dollar bill?”

     The proponents of the move hope that the expulsion of children from the pool will set a precedent in other areas of civilization and send a strong message to irresponsible parents who allow their children to have fun.

     It was not disclosed if the ball felds to the south of the pool would be affected by the lockout.

– Tommy Middlefinger

Ridgway Implements 3 mph Speed Limit

The Town of Ridgway will begin enforcing a three-mile per hour speed limit from the hours of 4 pm to 7 pm on weekdays according to unconfirmed sources outside the local post office.

Responding to safety and quality of life concerns, the town council voted unanimously in favor of the measure. The area affected runs from the bottom of Ridgway Hill to the river along Highway 62. Although most residents favor the crackdown some are concerned that the decree is far too restrictive.

No one could have imagined it just a few short years ago. An almost endless line of rush hour traffic streaming down Highway 62 through Ridgway. Snarls and snarling motorists on their way home from work. Most driving the daily rounder from Montrose to Telluride in response to a shortage of labor and higher wages promised in the high country.

With more cars comes more problems. Years ago a traffic light was erected, along with turn lanes. More cops have been added to the payroll. The old main street has been cosmetically realigned to accommodate more business and services.

“It was either the speed limit or a by-pass over Log Hill,” said one council member. “Right now the state bosses and the DOT are telling us that we are no longer in compliance with Colorado law since nobody else has such a low mile per hour restriction. Maybe if we just ignore them they just will go away.”

One faction suggests issuing summonses to any state highway official who drives through town. Radical elements within and without the government say they will construct speed bumps if the situation is not brought to heel.  Meanwhile state officals secretly hope Ridgway will just go away.

“We’re the ones who have to endure the traffic, the noise. What do we get out of it?” said another resident who claims to have waited up to 20 minutes to get from the grocery to the park. “And that was in the crosswalk,” she added.

The speed limit will apply to all vehicles, bikes, horses and even tractors. It is hoped that the ordinance will dissuade motorists from using the current route and encourage them to drive home through Gateway.

– Small Mouth Bess

The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues

“A Monkey’s Uncle”

Once again the adventures of your favorite jungle friends are sponsored by O’Hara’s Gourmet Foot Powder and Pink Eye Lotion for the livestock in all of us. “Buy a Gift Basket for the bovine who has captured your heart.” We join this month’s episode in progress.

The scene: A tree house in West Central Africa.

Tarzan: Cheetah like name. She say so.

Jane: But darling, you mistakenly named your pet after a spotted cat. What if Cheetah rejoins the other apes? What happens then? What about her future mate?

Tarzan: Cheetah good name for monkey.

Jane: Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if I like it.

Tarzan: Tarzan only uncle here. Jane not uncle.

Jane: Oh, sorry, dear, that’s just an expression.

Tarzan: Jane confuse Tarzan.

Jane: And that’s no chore. Getting back to Cheetah’s plight why can’t we just change her name to something like “Banzo” or “King Kong”?

Tarzan: Jane make joke?

Jane: No joke, Tarzan. What about Konga or Tanga or Carla?

Tarzan: Banzo played with Ronald Reagan. King Kong try to eat New York. Cheetah nice monkey.

Jane: Tarzan, dear, we need to address this situation before Cheetah matures. Remember all the problems we had with Boy in junior high school, in part because of the name you gave him.

Tarzan: Boy good name for boy.

Jane: But the other children made fun of him.

Tarzan: Tarzan think Jane worry too much. Tarzan go out and wrestle with lions, call elephants, throw spears, something important. Jane want to change Cheetah’s name…that OK but remember monkey has name on business cards and personalized stationery.

Jane: Maybe your right, dear, have fun with your animal friends but be careful.

THE END

Air Guitar Academy Closes Doors

(Escucha al Monte) The Solo Air Guitar Academy, a social fixture in the region since 1955 has announced its closure effective tomorrow morning. Calling the event unfortunate, sources there say the program was simply a victim of the times.

“Kids today are far too abstract to be entertained strumming the air and pressing fake cords for hours no matter how much they like the tune,” said one instructor who has worked at Solo since it’s founding.

Called Berry Institute at the time, in honor of late rocker, Chuck Berry, the musical program has undergone little change since that time holding on tightly to traditions and showing a stubborn streak when it came to adopting new techniques, especially the use of 8-tracks and cassettes, then digital recording and ipods.

“Air guitar is air guitar,” stressed another instructor who embraces a more classical approach to the musical mime. “Either you have faith or you don’t. Everyone fantasizes about being the lead guitar picker or even fingering the bass. People today expect to be entertained by outside stimuli like television and the internet. They don’t have time for this kind of nonsense, at least in a social regimentation.”

Bronco Tickets No Longer Covered

(Denver)The cost of season or single Bronco tickets is no longer covered by most health insurance programs. According to the American Association of Insurance Brokers, distractions of this type while healthy enough on their own, cannot be considered medical treatment and therefore are excluded from almost all policies.

“One could probably arrange for a policy that would cover sports entertainment costs,” said Sam Spleene, a former tobacco lobbyists who now heads up Mortality Mutual, a multi-billion dollar insurance and investment firm which serves breakfast Tuesdays through Fridays. Headquartered behind Spleene’s Auto Salvage, a known scalpers’ haven, Mortality Mutual has offered Bronco and Rockies tickets as sales incentives for the past two years.

Insurance spokesman say the tougher restrictions were part of a general crackdown on abuses within the industry.

SWAT Team Responds to late flies

(Ridgway) The local volunteer civilian SWAT team has released figures on its celebrated autumn fly offensive of 2016, which stretched, at high water mark, from Cow Creek to Elk Meadows. Confirmed kills number in the tens of thousands. In Carne Canyon alone the orange-clad troops told of heavy fighting and a complete defeat for the bothersome insects who, affected by recent cold weather, seemed listless and slow to react to assaults.

One local red crack told The Horseshoe that all the commotion was disturbing the local bear, many whom already suffer from acute hibernative interruptus. He called on all sides to cease hostilities until the spring.

In a related piece the local chapter of the Unwed Mother’s of the American Revolution is hosting a rummage sale to benefit operations along the border with Latin America. With over 4000 members patrolling the stretch between Nogales and Naco the UDAR hopes to raise $20,000 to purchase lemonade and cookies given to refugees in the Sonoran Desert.

Huey Long Demands Recount

(Baton Rouge) Former Louisiana governor Huey Pierce Long, who was assassinated in 1935, has returned from the grave and is demanding a recount on some municipal election or the other held in Bayou La Fouche or some such place. Saying he was cheated, Long insists that the election was actually a mandate and that he should have been crowned king.

Long was a free-wheeling governor who ran the state in an unorthodox manner until his murder. He may have been a crook but at least he has a bridge named after him which is more than can be said for most folks. He is the first governor from south of the Mason-Dixon Line to come back from the dead (although the 3,028th to demand a recount). Colorado Governor James H. Peabody performed the feat at least three times after his death, once at Vail during a birthday party for then President Gerald Ford and then later while house sitting for Buffalo Phil Cody, the great-niece of Schuyler Colfax.

It is not known how long Long will be in town.

Judiciary Contest Winner Announced

(Crested Butte) Little Melvin Toole of Irwin has won first place in the 2017 Judiciary Contest sponsored by the local civil liberties union. Toole, 6, took home $300 for correctly defining habeas corpus as the right to stand before one’s accuser and the right to protection from unlawful restraint.

The second place finisher Marigold Swami of Crestone defined habeas corpus as producing a dead body while three others said it was a lusty, hummus-like porridge favored by those of Scottish origin.

In the final tally 35% of those participating said habeas corpus was a disease common to wild boar while almost 50% said it was the name of a Roman Emperor. One woman told us it was the name of a popular Durango micro brew.

In addition to the cash Toole will receive an Attica basketball jersey and a free boat trip around Alcatraz Island.

– H. L. Menoken