All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Cattle Truck Tours in Hot Water Again
(Ouray) A local company offering authentic cattle truck tours of the Uncompahgre Valley has been called onto the carpet again this year due to what civic leaders are calling bad taste.
A throng of detractors from both the public and private sector say Melvin’s Cattle Tours Ltd. has breached the thin line between what is entertaining and what is deplorable.
“This is the proto-type of bad tourism,” said a chamber source. “It’s not in keeping with the image that we are trying so very hard to project for the summer season.”
The unconfirmed comments went on to suggest that the operation, owned by Melvin Toole of Elk Meadows, creates an extremely bad precedence, ridicules the cattle industry and demeans innocent tourists out for some good clean fun. A mounting contingent of critics say hauling tourists around the mountains inside a cattle truck is unsavory enough on its own, and when coupled with the poor driving and bad judgment, common to Toole’s derelict staff of reckless drivers, it becomes downright dangerous.
Stopping short of banning what Toole calls “See The Mountains Like the Cows See Them”, the concerned citizens say they hope the proprietor will quit his bovine adventures voluntarily, adopting a more civilized method of making a living.
“Maybe he could arrange jeep tours, offer sky diving or open an art gallery,” said one county commissar.
Following a plethora of 2004 complaints relating to the condition of the cattle trucks and the bullying of passengers by drivers, the city has considered pulling Toole’s license. Last year hordes of angry visitors, feeling gouged by the $150 hourly fee, formed a constant parade through both the chamber and the mayor’s office.
When contacted at what he calls his Natty Dread Love Shack, nothing more than a corrugated bindle shift sans pinchbeck office, Toole said he didn’t care if the authorities pulled his license since he never really wanted the thing in the first place.
“I can just get me another one of those licenses up in Silverton for about ten bucks,” he blasted. “Now there’s a town that’s commerce friendly. This is America!” he raved on, “or at least it used to be. I will not be intimidated by this bureaucratic schlock, no sireeee. When the tourists hit I’ll be a-waitin’. Hell, I might even arrange to pick some of them up when they arrive at the airport.”
– Fred Zeppelin
RATING THE PORTA POTTIES
(The following is a local review of the porta-johns in our natural forests aimed at making your temporary stay a fulfilling one. Each facility is rated on the basis of general cleanliness, aroma, seating capacity, flies, the presence of tissue and overall motif.)
Deer Lakes, Slumgullion Pass: Quite clean as of bow season with air freshener provided by Mother Nature. Plenty of toilet paper and even a small mirror. Seating could be a problem. Some spaced out flies. Nice wallpaper.
Billy Creek: Screens on the window, one roll of floral toilet paper left, along with a 1963 calender. No air freshener available, because someone pried the dispenser off the wall. Situated on a flat surface for a comfortable stay.
Yankee Boy Basin: Locked. Premium pay site just over the next rise.
Paradise Basin: A beneficial redoubt for campers. Once used by Otto Mears. Magazine rack full of U.S. Department of Interior pamphlets. Lots of flies, but a well-stocked array of colored toilet paper. Needs a good pumping out as is evidenced by the presence of complaints scribbled on the wall.
Gothic Campground: No door knob, and the spring needs attention. Very few flies, due to continued use. Excellent graffiti. Seats six. Newly painted in a cheerful brown. Although engineered for optimum flow, its horizontal layout makes doing one’s business a little less than enjoyable.
Daisy Mill Campsites: No porta-john is present but the existence of many suitable logs saves the day. Watch for ticks.
Bridal Veil: Great views from the throne. Running water. Carpet needs to be vacuumed, and the drapes are really faded. FAX machine. No pets. Pack rats have taken over the attic. Smells a lot like a Chinese restaurant.
Swampy Pass: Great place to catch a nap as the commode pulls out into a bed. Attached garage quite functional on colder nights. Limited use facility. Please regulate the use of lime. Fly swatter on left wall. Incredible acoustics.
Colorado Goes To Pot on Housing Shortages
(Reefer Mesa) Lawmakers here have unanimously approved a bill that would encourage the construction of small hemp houses. The first of the low-income/employee residences, built entirely of hemp grown in the state, is slated for inspection in time for ski season.
The cottages, duplexes and apartments that will grace the mountains and valleys here give new credence to the concept of green. Abundant tax revenues, the result of burgeoning marijuana sales, will be applied to the program as needs become clear.
Some say marijuana was more fun when it as illegal. Others remember the days when finding suitable housing here was academic. Today many Colorado residents are not smoking the stuff. We’re building houses with it.”
Not only is the state spending tax revenue on housing but it is now the first state to approve the use of hemp as a building material.
“The stuff is strong and malleable, lightweight, easy to acquire and eco-friendly, while costing almost nothing” said one state legislator who had initially opposed the arrangement. “We are not puffing around here. We are on the cutting edge. Other states will follow our success.”
The Trump Administration, driven by Attorney General Jeff Sessions, has threatened to bulldoze the new structures if they are not compliant with federal restrictions on the use of controlled substances.
“We love to frame out a new house with hemp stalks and insulate the whole dog with shake,” said a carpenter turned grower and designer. – Tommy Middlefinger
It can’t be that bad
A golf bag transformed into a lovely planter? Yes, the game of golf can be difficult but a little perseverance goes a long way. Get out of the garden and onto the fairway!
DISNEY EYES COMMUNIST THEME PARK IN CUBA
(Havana UPS) Unconfirmed sources within the Disney corporate network have announced plans to pursue the rights to the construction of a Communist Theme Park here in Old Havana. Alluding to the fact that Cuba is the sole heir to the Marxist ideology, Disney wants to document that period in history with frightening roller coaster rides, sub-tropical sweetmeats and tumultuous economic amusements aimed at recording the ongoing social experiment.
Despite the large campaign contributions from Cuban dissidents in Miami, world opinion will dictate a change. Politicians in the Estados will soon be forced terminate the bully approach and make peace with Cuba,” said Mickey Duck, vice president of pasteurized cruise lines for Disney. “and when they do our systems will already be in place, insuring visitors from the north that they can set foot on Cuban soil without really having to deal with any Cubans. Our hermetically sealed vacations are the stuff of which legends are made,” he said. “Dirt is out and the cleanliness is in.”
At present, however, negotiations are at a standstill. The Cuban government wants portraits of fatigued Fidel Castro and the late Che Guevara displayed all about the park while the Disney people are holding firm on trademarks, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck. and Goofy (coincidentally the logo of the Department of Cuban Affairs since Castro came to power). In this clash of ideologies insiders confirm that money will win out over revolution.
The Yanquis are so sure of the outcome that they have already sunk millions of dollars in the planning stages. The structure of the proposed park is expected to follow the Disney blueprint with segmented attractions following distinct themes. Most of the rides in the exhilarating, yet squeaky clean, Caribe Village will be built with parts from Fifties era autos that currently line Havana’s streets and back alleys. Attractions like the Joe Stalin Mustache Ride and the Batista Whirl are sure to be favorites.
A dazzling, antiseptic Third World Night life park, offering safe, diluted 3.2 rum drinks and politically incorrect hand-rolled Monte Cristo cigars at inflated prices, will rock until at least dark. Although clean jean Disney stockholders, uncomfortable out of their Puritan comfort zone have began squirming at the thought of vices within the confines of the park, they are expected to bow to lucrative fiscal projections (profits). This sector will be built next to the loud, brightly colored Habaneraland, which celebrates the golden age of Cuban music and dance despite the almost forty-year economic embargo.
Sugar Cane Denial Land, chronicles CIA efforts to sabotage desperate Cuban attempts to harvest its major crop in the Sixties. (It was legitimate. The god-less commies were sending sugar to Russia). A proposed haunted house complete with snarling Communist bogeymen is sure to be a hit. The Latin American version of Frontierland will substitute Bay of Pig exiles for warpainted Indians and Russian missiles for coonskin caps according to Disney spokespersons.
Finally, in what is perhaps the most demanding challenge to date, Disney will wade into the surf with Cuban Flotillaland (rhymes with tortillaland) with 24-hour ferries from the island nation to the Florida Keys. This theme will be carried over like a video game only involving real Cuban gunboats, desperate economic refugees and the vigilant U.S. Coastguard.
Virgin charter flights are already being arranged from Nicaragua, Canada and Mexico.
– Richard “Santiago” Ricardo
