All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Trump body slams Pence, Ryan and Sessions on green
President Donald Trump body slammed two high ranking members of his administration and the Speaker of the House today after missing a four-foot putt. The gymnastic feats occurred on the 16th hole at his exclusive Truth Monger Country Club in Pokawanakipsie County, Florida.
The attacks came in perfect sequence, surprising a hoard of onlookers but not insiders, who say that pressures related to daily functions have finally reached a boiling point. Many feel the President simply overreacted to harmless taunts about his golf game.
“Paul Ryan laughed when he bladed a nine iron last month,” said Trump spokesperson Yuri Putin. “That’s why the President secretly hates him. He calls him the Irish Undertaker…Says he heard it on cable television.”
Mike Pence is not out of the woods either according to Putin. Only Wednesday the Vice-President angered his boss with an off-handed comment somehow comparing the Commander-in-Chief’s swing with “the movements of an antique waffle iron.”
While the other two stew, Jeff Sessions has apologized for joking about the variety of plastic plants that don the Oval Office. He’s alleged to have said that the President is (to paraphrase) way out in front when it comes to the plastic plant culture. In addition he prefers to walk 18 holes rather than succumb to the slothful golf cart journeys preferred by Trump.
This reportedly irritates the President.
– Susie Compost
CANE LICENSE DEADLINE LOOMS
(Montrose) People carrying canes here have until Thursday to procure licenses for same or face stiff fines. Whether a citizen is using the cane as a tool, a crutch, a walking stick or simply an accessory he must comply with the new regulation.
Critics of the law say it is just another step toward a national ID card. They say that although the card is presented as necessary security against illegal aliens and terrorists it is just another attempt by the control freaks to look up your dress/down your shorts.
“I’d prefer trainloads of illegal immigrants in my backyard rather than have an ID number stenciled on my forehead,” said Rocky Flats, a semi-retired atomic scientist and frequent cane user from Olathe. “I’m gonna use my cane and I’m not gonna buy no damn license. Them that gets in my way wanting to see credentials will get a close up look at my walking stick, you betcha.”
A free-lance gov’ment source defended the action.
“We don’t want to get involved in people’s personal lives, no sireee…We just want to defuse a potentially explosive scenario before it becomes a life threatening situation,” smiled Suzanne Compost of the Committee for Public Safety.
“What with all those baby boomers hitting senior status we expect to see more people using canes. In fact, we estimate that cane use will all but double by the year 2022.”
Compost went on to deny rumors that the feds will patrol older neighborhoods checking paperwork, even kicking canes out from under elderly people who choose to ignore the law.
“That’s ridiculous,” she quipped. “Some of those old farts carry mace, bite and have mean cats. Why would we jeopardize the safety of our people? We can just wait till these criminals take a nap on a park bench, lay their canes down at the local cafeteria or go to pick up their sociable security checks at the mailbox, then we simply the seize the illegal cane.”
The AARP, the ACLU, Reader’s Digest, the manufacturers of Viagra and several prune juice processing plants have promised to appeal the new legislation.
– Uncle Pahgre
DOW Won’t Buy Bear Suits
The Colorado DOW will not purchase bear suits this summer.
The announcement comes as budget cuts dictate movements by the forest wardens. Most years (since 1951) the DOW has acquired bear suits from a local vendor so as to snoop on bruins in their natural habitat.
“Our findings have been remarkable but we still haven’t figured out what makes these monsters tick,” said Gabby Haze, a longtime state ranger in the Uncompahgre National Forest who works with law enforcement to identify bad bears who may be a problem down the road.
Haze went on to say that the bear always knew they were there snapping photos and measuring footprints.
“They just ignored us although, playing along with the charade. I remember once that an amorous female bruin took a shine to my partner Al. It was during making season and we had to transfer her heart’s delight to a desk job for the remainder of the summer.”
Another time a young cub mistook Betsy, our field engineer for his mother and wouldn’t go away. We finally found his angry mother and reunited the pair. Betsy, who has no children of her own, was devastated taking an extended sick leave. She now works only with hatchery fish who have no particular family ties.
“The main reason for the termination of the bear suit things is because it is degrading and stupid for a; parties. Rangers, say the experts, would be better off driving around in their green pickups dressed as people. Bear incidents are the same either way.”
How this decision will affect the local economy in nearby Pinkyville remains unclear. The town’s income, based on bear suit manufacturing is sure to suffer due to cutbacks here and in other regions.
“They haven’t ordered moose or elk outfits since 2015 and we don’t expect any new orders in the fox or fowl categories until the winter,” said a spokesman for Ed’s Furriers. “They say the agents were engaged in unnecessary risks climbing trees to observe eagles who saw them coming for miles.”
Ed’s plans to keep the finished suits in cold storage until new markets can be established. One veteran stitcher says “Halloween might save us, otherwise it will be a paltry winter for everyone in town.”
Authorities are on the lookout for an increase in poaching for some unknown reason.
– Muriel Armbruster
Cereal blamed for demise
(Pea Green) Too many choices in the cereal aisle, not overpopulation or pollution, has been blamed for the demise of Western Culture according to a ten-year study completed here this week.
After intense debate by social scientists, soccer moms and academians urban stress, the breakdown of family and overgrazing were listed as major components of the malady. Alcohol and illegal drug abuse, economic disparity, television and the lack of water rounded out the frightening roster.
“We don’t know what this means,” admitted Dr Efram Pennywhistle Dean of Wheat at Pea Green Academy, “which is in keeping with the tabulations of our other tedious studies since the Civil War. We’re not looking to take the gloves off with Tony the Tiger or mix it up with Snap, Crackle and Pop but the results are conclusive,” he burped.
Critics of the academy say participants in the study have sugar-coated statistics with regard to social ills and drown legitimate findings with the aid of the dairy industry.
“They’re all a bunch of flakes,” said Captain Crunch, a retired bore hero who now represents Ralston-Furina. “Are they really including icons like Quaker Oats and Kellog’s Corn Flakes on their hit list?”
Pennywhistle admitted his team may have been caught with egg on their faces with this premature announcement.
“We should have waited until the lunch line died down to release our findings,” he flinched. “Maybe they expected us to spoon feed them on this one.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
CONGRESS TERMINATES SALARIES
(Washington) The Senate yesterday passed legislation that effectively ends the practice of paying salaries to elected officials in Congress. The bill, approved by the House Thursday will go to the President’s desk where it is expected to be signed into law before the weekend.
“The only hang-up now could be White House fears that the new approach may affect salaries there,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA), “but we figure Don will go for it. He’s fat and illiterate in Chinese and doesn’t need Congress. Counting evil campaign contributions and keeping an eye on the family are fulltime gigs.”
Although the final stages of negotiations went well the beginnings were a bit shaky.
“At first the Senate was quite willing to ban salaries in the House and likewise that governing agency supported a cessation of pay for Senators,” explained Noise, heir to several dog food fortunes. “Then, after a tedious expose’ on one of those pinheaded network news programs, the public got wind of the goings on and the entire Congress had no other choice than to support the legislation.”
A retraining program, like so many conducted by the benevolent gov’ment, aimed at placing displaced people in functional positions, has already begun with just two politicians signing up for the gratis program. A large OSHA signs now hangs in the Senate where a painting of Thomas Jefferson was once on display.
A hastily hung OSHA information poster instructs former Congressional freeloaders to buck up and find a real job. Bi-lingual and a bit blue-collar in nature, the graphic is part of a post-gravy train program that hopes to retrain unskilled workers for a more productive future.
Noise admitted that the media had delivered the death blow and added that he hoped that journalists, especially TV news anchors, would follow suit and end the practice of taking home exorbitant salaries just for looking pretty on the screen.
Washington insiders insist that a sagebrush revolt is already in the works which may result with the abolishment of salaries for any and all elected officials and most appointed ones.
“We could see this wave wash away years of procedure at the state and local level too,” said one analyst. “Then we might even undress the cash cow issue of campaign finance reform.”
Already 80% of the Congress has quit claiming economic hardship.
“Ridiculous!” popped Noise. “These people are all millionaires! What would they be doing if they didn’t sit around in the House or Senate all day, play video games? Play tennis? Drink? I’m staying right here until I see how the lobbyists react to all this.”
The freed-up funds, formerly earmarked for Congressional pockets and exhumed from tax coffers, will now be spent on agricultural research and social rehabilitation programs with a healthy percentage going toward paying off the national debt.
“All this talk about a surplus is a lot of crap,” said Noise, “It’s just more party propaganda like the jaded pledges to fight the drug trade and stale blueprints for upgrading the schools.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Broncos Troll Wal-Marts For Offensive Line Help
A legion of Denver Bronco scouts have begun patrolling local Wal-Marts in the hope of landing some help on their offensive line. The NFL franchise, that experienced gaping holes, horrible run stats and inability to protect the quarterback last year plans to shore up these blatant inefficiencies and run the ball in 2017.
Although many of their discoveries have proved fruitless up until now, the team expects to find help in the aisles of the nation’s largest retailer. Acknowledging that many of the new recruits may be too slow to play football one coach says he will stay the course.
“Some of them are real big,” he explained, “flabby, obese and not terribly athletic. Many have never participated in team sports or daily exercise which has contributed to their sad physical state. Our job is to toughen them up. Two a day practices in the summer heat will do wonders.”
The source then continued insisting that the concept of tethering a lineman had not been discussed. He then employed simple physics to his projected formula for success.
“A body in motion stays in motion while a body at rest stays at rest,” he smiled. “Many of our best prospects won’t be easy to move on the line. They will simply stay in one spot and take up room. Often that’s enough.”
Other teams have responded to the move and have begun examining sources of talent in their own regions.
“These consumers are so used to buying worthless junk that they cannot differentiate between credit and cash,” said an unidentified scout in Baltimore. “We hope this reality will translate into lucrative contracts on our end. After we pay off their credit cards and get them on the field we will know how to proceed.”
– Fred Zeppelin
