All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
End of world already happened says scientist
(Ouray) A transcendental scientist here says the much-feared apocalypse (end of the world) has already taken place and that what we are seeing and experiencing now is simply a dream. Dr. Melrose Tinkleholland, BFD, LSMFT, former director of the Macro-Buddhist Study Institute on Red Mountain says the end came fifteen years ago but that everyone had been too busy and self-absorbed to notice it.
“Today,” he asserted, “our entire spectrum is dependent on the generally Lilliputian human imagination to support cosmic flow created by the revolutions and desertions of other heavenly bodies.”
Tinkleholland, who catapulted to fame in early 1988 after proving that Elvis Presley was alive and living on the planet Neptune, is the former chair of the Department of Astrology and Sports Medicine at the prestigious Cal Amari Institute.
Later he offered strong evidence that our daily lives are an illusion created by our memories and fears.
“It’s like going to the movies without sound or even popcorn,” said the professor.
The extraterrestrials, he insists, not only visited our mountain towns during tourist season but that these every one of these space wanderers bought cowboy hats while in the Rockies.
“They still like to dress up like cowboys when given the chance,” said Tinkleholland. “Who wouldn’t?”
Pornographic evidence of an alien visitor riding a bull at the 2009 Ouray Rodeo is allegedly in the possession of the state police.
“He made it to the bell but then swallowed his chew,” laughed Tinkleholland. “They sure don’t make other world cowpokes like they used to.”
Restating his appraisal that our world is only a dream, the professor looked down his nose at assembled guests saying, “There’s really no reason to worry anymore. We might just as well have a good time. Bring me another rum!”
– Estelle Marmotbreath
“I coulda had lots of religion
saved for all to see
but fo’ bad women and smooth whiskey,
I just could not let them be.”
– Jefferson Washington, “King of the Blues”
CAR ALARM CHECK POINTS PRESERVE THE PEACE
(Howardsville) Visitors to Western Colorado are reminded to check their car alarms with the local magistrate before entering downtown areas. Adherence to this law is easy and fun!
Just pull over at any one of the many checkpoints and leave your car alarm there. Although some people find the regulation somewhat inconvenient, simple compliance will ensure the safety of everyone.
“The days where everyone waltzed around our towns with a car alarm on his hip are over,” said one deputy. “We’re civilized now and the boom and bust Wild West has been tempered. We’ve got leash laws, parking meters, zoning laws, speed limits, and noise ordinances. Nobody wants to be confronted by some trigger-happy drifter anxious to show off his car alarm.”
Since the law went into effect in June, car alarm noise has all but disappeared from the dusty streets. Locals have returned to the primitive practice of leaving their keys in the ignition. Kids steal hubcaps. Sheep graze happily on Elysian ridges. All is one.
Persons failing to comply with this law face arrest and subjection to hours of badly recorded heavy metal music. Further resistance will be dealt with harshly with offending motorists ostracized and facing feudal banishment.
– Rocky Flats
BAT BOY SIGNS FOR 1.2 MILLION
(New Jork) Your New York Mets’ batboy has signed a multi-year contract extension estimated to be in the neighborhood of 1.2 million dollars with incentives. Mickey Mandolin, the instant millionaire was unavailable for comment because he was in school. The Mets front office acknowledged that the contract would probably set a dangerous precedent but feared losing the 14-year-old to free agency.
“Did you ever try to get a decent batboy on a weekend,” said Marvin Tinkleholland, Player Support Coordinator for the team. “If we’re paying players millions we have to keep up on player support personnel or we’re dead in the water. Paying the batboy by the hour while the rest of the team rakes in the cash is akin to serfdom. Mr. Doubleday would not have been pleased.”
Insiders agree that the Mets are searching for the right chemistry that will produce a pennant sometime soon. Consistency is the key and they appear unwilling take the time to break in another batboy for next season.
“Mandolin’s salary is equivalent to what most of our players spend on their laundry,” smiled Tinkleholland. “We’ll just jack up the ticket prices and double the price of a hot dog. New Yorkers are accustomed to getting screwed.”
The young New York “lumber clerk” is the first batboy to exceed a million dollars in salary. Three others make an annual salary in the neighborhood of $600,000, not counting an initial signing bonus, lucrative endorsements, retirement packages and incentives.
“That’s not a bad payday for about six months work,” stressed Tinkleholland. “In the spastic spectator frenzy of the 21st Century entertainment, even the batboy is a major draw.
– Rocky Flats
Slagman Mulls Comeback
Slagman PI, pictured above at one of his many affordable housing projects, is reportedly pondering a return to the 4th Estate. Could an avalanche of social media demands in tandem with the scribe’s crisp command of the regional subtleties lead the bad boy of the press back to the private hell of a monthly column? Will he put an end to tediously long sentences on his watch? A cast of supporting actors says yes while his seedy publicist says no. “He could always smell the blood in the water,” said leading lady, Labiana Fettuccine. “All the pain and suffering was just an act.”
Space Visitors Talk Directly to Lower Primates
(Manaus, Brasil) More and more, visitors from outer space are talking directly to less-developed primates rather than to their allegedly evolved counterparts. Aliens from other planets are purposely avoiding contact with the more intelligent humans because they are difficult, violent and petty, according to a de-coded message intercepted on Stellar IV Friday.
“The future of the earth is definitely in the hands of monkeys and not humans,” said the correspondence. “We are now firmly convinced that they shall inherit the place after they (people) are gone and that we should continue a meaningful dialogue for the future.”
The message did not state when or by what means the humans would “be gone” or where they would go.
Officials at NASA continue to discount rumors of any contact with alien beings.
“It’s all a lot of monkey business,” said one NASA source. “Those apes don’t even have cell phones and most are loaded with fleas. Who could want to carry on an intelligent conversation with them?”
Officials here have still not explained a massive drop of bananas into the jungle near the forest fires along the Amazon River Basin giving credence to rumors that the primates and aliens have already come to certain good faith agreements as to the future stewardship of the planet.
“The war they’re at over in France, this last while.” says Eneas.
“Jesus, that’s for English boys, Eneas.” says his Pappy kindly.
“No,” says Eneas. “There’s rakes of Sligomen gone out.”
“Now, but not boys,” says his mother. “Not boys…I don’t like you fighting in a foreigner’s war,” says his Mam. “Nor any war where my first-born boy might be murdered.”
“What’s foreign if there’s Irishmen in it? says Eneas.
-from The Whereabouts of Eneas McNulty by Sebastian Barry
State Plans 60 New Scenic Views by 2020
(Denver) Transportation engineers here have decided to grace the state with more than 60 new scenic viewing pull-offs on Highways 50, 550 and 145 it was disclosed this morning.
The new construction is expected to hold up traffic for months despite the fact that most of the work is being done off-road. Crews from as far away as Mack will begin preliminary dozing as early as October 15 hoping to complete the improvements before the snow falls.
“We plan to include bathrooms in the more upscale views,” said Melvin “Slim” Toolini, planner and strategist behind the effort. “When we’re done it oughta be damned panoramic around here!”
The scenic views are said to be repayment for all of the water stolen by Front Range communities since the 50s.
“It’s all very politically correct,” said Toolini. “I love the smell of asphalt going down on a hot road. When we’re all done we’ll have scenic views looking on to other scenic views.”
– Uncle Pahgre
