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KNOT HOLE NEWS
PHOTOS BANNED IN WILDERNESS AREAS
(Lake City) The use of cameras or other mechanical machinery aimed at recording images will no longer be permitted in Wilderness Areas as of January according to a press release from the feds. Persons engaging in this illegal activity after the said date will be fined and prohibited from visiting these environs in the future.
“In regions where other machines are banned we have now caught up to ourselves,” said the memo. “Soon blenders, chain saws and generators will be taboo as well. Our goal is to rid the forests of people by next summer and cut down all the trees. Then we’ll be done with all this controversy once and for all.”
Shutterbugs from all across the West plan to block entrances to wilderness regions in an attempt to generate support for their hobby. They equate the ban to the helter-skelter of China’s Cultural Revolution that shadowed our own chaotic hippie era. The Geiger counter marches on.
“But the kind of alpha particle chaos detected by Hans William Geiger and his nuclear physicist buddies in Germany in the 1920s is not what is relevant here,” said Doc “Trail” Kneewalker, “We are talking about mindless restrictions and blockage of what most would agree is positive social behavior.”
However, Kneewalker agrees with experimental bans on selfies and what he calls the ignorant practice of snapping close-ups of predators. He equates stupidity to downed branches of ponderosa and aspen, desperate but inevitable.
“Taking a picture is not harmful in any way to the forests and/or their inhabitants,” said Nellie Nikon, heiress to the Studebaker fortune. “There’s no pollution, little noise and no impact on the earth. We just like to take pictures of mammals, birds and trees and flowers. We’re not bad people!”
The federal government, all wrapped up in another bells-and-mirrors presidential election has not had time to review the restrictive agenda. Multiple use advocates have already threatened a filibuster. Persons wishing to attend the proceedings should simply follow the brown forest service signs found all over the woods.
Department of Interior to start big fires
(Ouray) In a turnabout from an original plan to mechanically thin and burn about 10,000 acres near here, the USFS has decided simply to burn down 100% of the forests.
Operation No Trees-No Fires is already in place and a series of uncontrolled burns will start in mid-November.
Saying that the agency has finally found a way to silence all of the critics of our forest fire policies, a spokesman for the wardens of the woods called the plan foolproof.
Originally the USFS had charted specific problem areas for destruction with prime harvests going to lumber companies for a nominal fee. Then, after reconsidering the complaints of many citizens the agency decided to light a match.
“We expect the blaze to last 40 days and 40 nights leaving a heap of ashes that should mix well with the rocky soil,” said the source. “Then, after about five years we can begin growing cash crops like hemp where trees once stood.”
Radicals within the ranks say the initial plan called for the fires to be set during hunting season so as to send a message to the firearm lobby.
Biosphere III Filling Up
(Crested Butte) The massive glass dome built last month to accommodate herd refugees is filling up fast with an abundance of applicants showing up in person, their meager belongings strapped to their backs. Deer and elk, even bear and lion, are all willing to live peacefully together at least until the end of hunting season.
According to the ground rules endangered species have first crack at the digs followed by political refugees from the Rocky Mountains. Later, if room permits people will be included on the roster.
“It’s a sort of Noah and the Ark deal here,” said Estelle Marmotbreath, from behind the scenes. “We probably need two of everything just in case the world ends over the next couple of months.”
This biosphere is the third of its kind. The first two were employed as test cases involving an incredible assortment of living items from centipedes to barrel cactus. The shells were then donated to the modular housing industry.
Plants and mammals wishing to hide out here should call their elected officials or the President at home.
-Fred Zeppelin
Ghost of Col. Sanders Haunts Chicken Plant
(Wimpton) He prowls the coops of the processing plant dressed in his white linen suit, a cadaverous, ghastly smile across his pasty face. His goatee is death-white too and almost starched, his glasses slip down his nose as he makes his nightly rounds. He casts no shadow as he monitors the last hours of the feathered inhabitants.
Sightings have become almost commonplace here in a land of thoroughbreds, Ezra Brooks and Kentucky colonels.
“We saw him one dawn after a night of plucking,” said Andrea Capone, who has worked at the processing plant since flunking out of Lee Harvey Oswald Middle School back in 1966. “He was real creepy and didn’t touch the ground. He just drifted through walls, clucking to himself.”
Para-psychologists say the appearance of apparitions such as Colonel Sanders are rare but do occur often in places linked to traumatic memories and unresolved guilt.
“We’ve had almost 300 reported sightings since summer,” said Dr. Wince Ardvarke, of Cal Amari College. “Certainly all of these witnesses can’t be crazy.”
Ardvarke, Professor of Macabre Economics at the well respected Pacific Coast institution gained fame after recording a posthumous conversation with the ghost of Jean Laffite on the River Road near New Orleans in 1980. He is author of the best selling novel Phantoms in the Pudding (Testosterone Brothers, Boston) in which he clearly states:
“Why are people so surprised at the presence of ghosts like these roaming around after dark? Do they think the afterlife is so glamorous? Imagine sitting around playing cards or dominoes with a bunch of pale riders all morning then shuffleboard with more spooks in the afternoon. Anyone would want to break free of this bond and do a little exploring.”
Ardvarke laughed when asked by one cynical reporter if ghosts were dangerous.
“No more dangerous than eating a diet of grease-fried chicken and instant mashed potatoes,” he said. “Just so long as ye warsh it down with a toss of Basil Hayden’s.”
Local police have promised to increase patrols in the vicinity as well as around the nearby turkey processing plants buzzing with pre-holiday activity.
“Who knows,” cackled one officer, “we might even see Miles Standish or that Longfellow character out for a stroll looking for a gob of moonshine giblet gravy.”
Local farmer blows up vineyard with chili paste
(California Mesa) A local grape farmer’s seasonal salsa really hit the mark taking with it three acres of vines, a small metal shed and some abandoned yard appliances. Local law enforcement personnel joined frightened neighbors this morning to sort things out.
The explosion, on the mink farm operated by Earl Bloodcell, was heard all the way to Haley Draw, rattling the more than 4000-piece glass menagerie in a ramshackle, yet revered mud hut that borders Wingfield National Rocket Test Range. No injuries were reported although one unicorn bruised his nose slightly.
Maybe just a pinch less on the Serrano-gunpowder paste and a little more cilantro, heh Earl?
“That salsa has quite a kick. It blew the top off my metal shed My wife told me to use the measuring apparatus but my neighbor said he could eyeball the concoction so as to avoid cleaning more dishes after cooking. It was them damn habaneras!
Local authorities blame dormant Carolina Reaper peppers for the blast. Both are illegal in Colorado and Utah. The strain is usually crushed up and blended with other less noxious vegetables. It is widely employed as a topical aphrodisiac by Spartan tribes in New Guinea.
“I didn’t intend on breaking the law,” said Bloodcell. I only used a little of the Scotch bonnet to keep mountain lions out of my petunias. The rest I fed to the bear to keep them from raiding my still.
Concocted and cooked in a brand new cattle trough the spicy mixture should be classified as a weapon.
“Technically his hot sauces should be classified as explosives and classified in the gunpowder family,” said one gentleman caller, a retired ATF agent who lives up the hollow from Bloodcell.
“We were experimenting with dilution when the whole place lost its cool,” whisked Bloodcell. “It’s half an eyedropper to a gallon of water from now on.”
According to SF Gate: “The green chili group includes all green peppers that are hot, including “Anaheim” (Capsicum annuum “Anaheim”), “Jalapeno” (Capsicum annuum “Jalapeno”) and “Cayenne” (Capsicum annuum “Cayenne”). Technically, there is no difference between a green chili and a jalapeno. However, many chili fans are referring to the large, mild New Mexico peppers, such as “Anaheim” when they use the term green chili. These chilies are used to make green chili and canned chilies. Because these chilies are so mild, they can be used in large amounts in recipes. Jalapenos have more heat and they are often used as a condiment, rather than a main ingredient.”
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Relief for seniors
Are you 100 years old or more and have never had so much as a parking ticket? The Gov’ment may pay to paint your house. Little-known program available to seniors, juniors, snowflakes, rednecks and illegals.
Up to $5000 in non-fire zones. Flood plains slightly less. Enamel or gloss. Ladders not included. We do not use forced labor from the nation’s private prison population unless local ordinances deem otherwise.
For more please tear out the eligibility form from this months’ Magpie Magazine:
The slick ‘zine for those who see life strictly in Black and White.
Black Powder Days Slated for November
(Crested Butte) Licensed hunters can once again shoot deer or elk from the ski lifts during Black Powder Days, November 3 – 6. The annual celebration, controversial since its inception in 2013, is expected to draw more than 500 sharpshooters eyeballing some 200 special licenses to a late October draw.
Local hunters will be given priority when signup begins. Times are to be chosen at random and depend on snow depths and migratory patterns. Most veterans of the extreme sport agree that early morning and dusk are the most advantageous times to hunt and add that bonus reconnaissance lift ride offers a slew of benefits to the seasoned as well as the novice shooter.
The ski area, owned by Vail, says it can easily accommodate 1000 hunters but that limits are in place to keep the event small and homey. Sources on the I-70 Corridor confirmed plans to add “an assortment” of entertaining sidelines along with the traditional ski experience.
“We must be ready to pounce on any opportunities to expand our shrinking custom base,” said a Vail source. “We could never pull this off at Vail since we are in close proximity to the liberals on the Confront Range whereas Gunnison County is full of hicks who like this kind of thing. They even have a rodeo every summer.”
A spokesman for the Colorado Division of Wildlife denied any knowledge of Black Powder Days contending that Vail or any other ski concern does not receive privileges not extended to every citizen of the state.
“We don’t know anything about DOW bigwigs skiing for free either,” said the source.
– Filly Buster
