All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Economics 101
- “We should teach the poor to breed flowers Everything grows in Uruguay. They can sell them to the rich. There will always be rich. They will do well. …The rich buy flowers. The poor buy food.” – Jose “Pepe” Mjica- President of Uruguay until 2015. from the film “El Pepe – A Supreme Life”
Faithful Traumatized by Damage Deposit Forfeiture
(Limbo) A majority of occupants, calling themselves “religious, but not particularly spiritual”, expressed shock and disbelief at the notion that the Creator would not be returning a damage deposit on the planet earth after humans vacate the premises. Emerging indications verified the fears, confirming the status of humans as “painfully purgatorial at best” by heavenly sources.
The deposit, paid in gold by the now disgraced Adam and Eve, has been held in trust by unnamed archangels since cave drawings depicted visits from outer space and sheep were nervous.
“We need that money to put down as a deposit on a new planet,” cried one of the eternally disappointed. “Coming up with first and last is hellish enough. With our poor credit we’ll never get a loan”
“According to one angel (I’m not just an angel I’m a bloody archangel”) the human experiment has failed.
“They (the renters) seemed peaceful and respectful at first but after that Cain and Abel business things went downhill fast. Their house is a mess and we’re not seeing much interest in cleaning up the yard either. We don’t know how many centuries that might take or what we will do with all of their orbiting possessions.”
For a related story please turn to:
Redneck Apostles Adopted Open Carry Partisanship after Lion’s Den Incident.
“The quiet realization that one has reached Nirvana arrives unannounced when he realizes he does not know which day it is today…only that it is an invention of evil timekeepers.”
– Small Mouth Bess
RANCHERS PRESERVED FOR PERPETUITY
Ridgway) In an attempt to sustain the cowboy culture, seven local ranchers have been preserved thanks to donations from an assortment of conservation entities.
Although details are sketchy at press time (and the cows are in the corn) it appears that the lucky seven have been soaked in a formula of turpentine, ditch water and honey.
“In just a few hours these guys will not only be protected from the elements and aging,” said an open space advocate, “but never again will we see subdivisions built right on top of their heads.”
Local residents, shocked at first by such new age planning, say rampant development threatens to destroy their lifestyle and that 35-acre rancheros and golf courses often crush their cowboy hats.
More on this as we make it up.
“An agnostic is just an atheist without balls.” – Stephen Colbert
FREE SKI AND BOBBY MCGEE
from a few years ago…
…when Crested Butte offered free skiing during a few days early in the season.
with apologies to Kris Kristopherson
Busted flat in Gunnison
waitin’ for the dump.
Been feelin’ bout as jaded
as my means.
Bobby flagged a pickup down
just before it snowed.
Rode it all the way
to Crested Butte.
Held onto my goggles
and my dirty red bandana
banking curves
while Bobby sang the blues.
Hungry magpies
makin’ time
holding Booby’s hand in line
We sang every song
that lift op knew.
Skiing’s just another word
for nothing much to do.
The skiing ain’t worth nothin’
‘less it’s free.
Feelin good was easy, Lord
when he missed a tree.
Feelin good was good
enough for me
Good enough for free ski
and Bobby McGee.
One day near East River
Lord, I let him slip away
He’s lookin’ for those bumps
and I hope he finds them
And I’d trade all my adventures
for one single powder day
to be holdin’ Bobby’s body
next to mine.
(Repeat chorus).
A Martian in El Jardin
The noise in this Colombian town was pulverizing during the holidays so I thought I’d invest in a pair of earplugs. I made my way through the disassociated throngs near the plaza and entered a pharmacy, the counter manned by several overworked women. My Spanish isn’t too bad, I thought, and asked if they sold tampones de los oidos.
“Tampones?” the first women asked. “Tampones for who?”
“For me I said as if it wasn’t clear enough. Tampones por mis oidos. (Tampones for my ears).
The other started laughing.
“You mean tapones, not tampones,” she said holding up both.
“Oh, no” I flinched. “I was wanting tapones,” I said looking around to see who was eavesdropping on the conversation.
I bought the tapones and mad a quick exit thankful that I knew the proper name for toilet paper.
Everyone says hello back
The majority of the residents here have never been out of Colombia and to many the concept of global geography is limited to the bright green world of coffee farms and the wondrous mountains of the Cafetera.
That said it is not surprising that a foreigner gets a few stares on the street. The antidote: A boisterous Buenos Dias! or colloquial Que mas? That changes playing field. The response is a friendly, though surprised, greeting, usually sincere.
It is clear that somehow they think 1.) gringos can’t speak Castillano 2.) visitors are here because it’ a cheap place to live 3.) foreign males spend 24 hours a day looking for women. Misconceptions as the arepa (corn tortilla concotion) turns.
Often, when they are more relaxed they will ask “De donde” (Where are you from). My answer to a robotic exchange is “Hollywood.” with no trace of a smile. Then I accessorize my claim by adding No es claro? (Isn’t it clear?). Then, depending on the person I confess my fib, and give them the real poop. Most give me a gentle slap on the arm and laugh.
Almost always, after I meet someone they remember my name (easy since there are few gringos living here) and a warm relationship begins. Just try eating at the same restaurant three days in a row. All of a sudden you are treated almost like family.
El Calle de Borachos (Drunk Street)
Sunday is a good day to stay home. That’s the coffee workers’ day off and many spend it slamming beers and aguardiente in the raucous parade of bars wedged on 9th Street or on the plaza. If you were a fly on the wall you’d need tiny, little tapones (see above). If the booze won’t kill you the loud music will.
Although the drunks are peaceful enough they are often over-friendly and a pain in the ass, especially if I am in the company of a woman. Is this a demented flirtation? Maybe these men are the official poster children for the recruitment of nuns. After observing their common ritual many women might just prefer the cloistered life. If a find myself in that inebriated barrio I just whisper a prayer to Saint Pancreas, the patron of fried food, and keep moving.
Trash Days Take the Cake
On Tuesday and Saturday the trash truck blows its horns at about 6 am. That’s the day to put out your organics. Friday is regular trash pickup while Wednesday is recycles day. I don’t know what the local hygienic engineers do on the other days. Maybe they hang out on Drunk Street but more than likely they tend their gardens, drive tourists around in moto-ratones (tuks-tuks or more precisely motor mice) or work their small coffee farms tumbling down the side of the mountains. Lazy bastards.
I simply take notes on the meticulous agenda so as not to be keeping trash on my balcony well after its time.
It’s all well done with an additional corps of street cleaners keeping the town very clean. They also get a hand from the regular afternoon rain that washes away the remnants of the Paso Finos, the horses with the natural four-beat gait that proudly grace the lanes of the village.
The rubbish and refuse are then taken to the landfill and buried. It is not, as many up north believe, magically transformed into cocaine to be sold in Miami. That is our problem, not theirs, in this cowboy-as-Colorado community of 1700 souls. The trash service is provided free of charge unlike some Latin American towns where residents, often of limited means, are forced to choose between paying for trash pickup and buying a six-pack of cold beer.
– Dolores Alegria
