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Icy Streets and Leash Laws Clash
Council Reconsiders Priorities
(Crested Butte) The town council here may rescind a 150-year-old leash law, due to safety considerations on Crested Butte’s icy streets and alleys. The primary action came Monday night as elected officials argued the merits of the long standing ordinance compared with the well being of its dog-walking citizens.
Arctic weather and seasonal moisture often create treacherous conditions here, especially on the town’s north-side streets and alleys. The principle thoroughfare, Elk Avenue gets a little dicey early in the morning and after sunset.—a high priority time for dogs that have been holding it all night and sometimes all day. They are exited to be out and in a hurry to hit the next fire hydrant or communal tree.
According to local veterinarian Dr. Laura Ramos: “When a pedestrian mixes an already precarious stroll with the approved dog walking methodology a chain reaction is likely to take place. The walker often finds himself flat on his face, horizontal with the pavement, compliments of his over-eager mutt.”
Of course, a well trained dog, accustomed to healing, will not create such a hazard but even the most well behaved animal cannot be expected to perform to perfection with all the distractions (canine and otherwise) common to the town limits.
“We need leash laws in Crested Butte or we’d have dogs running around everywhere,” said one councilperson. “The restrictions are necessary for animals as well as the general populace. However when butted up against icy sidewalks and dangerous streets we must reconsider the legislation.”
In a rare departure from existing policy another councilman warned that a slick walk at the receiving end of aggressive canine thrust could easily result in injury, and possible lawsuits.
“If we just rescind the law during periods when the streets are bullet-proof we might save everyone a lot of hassle,” he said. “We could operate along the lines of the parking laws with certain areas off limits on certain days. We could put up hundreds of signs telling people when and where they could safely walk their dogs.”
Taking no action of the matter and leaving decisions in the hands of the people was not an option, according to the first council member who insisted that maintaining the current status would not solve the problem and that allowing people to police themselves was ridiculous.
“That’s like a Washington lobbyist volunteering for military duty in Iraq,” she said. “It may look good on paper but it will never happen. If we just suspend leash laws until mud season we should avoid disaster. When the real thaw arrives we might even implement higher fines for dogs at large and recoup any loss of control by June.”
After an hour of proposals it appeared that the law makers would suspend the leash laws for a trial period.
“Either we terminate the law altogether or groom Elk Avenue,” laughed one rogue councilman sitting in the back of the room. “What about protecting drunks and persons too busy making love to their cell phones to pay attention to the conditions? What about flatlanders unaccustomed to negotiating ice? They are people too!”
He then angrily departed the chambers, slamming his laptop, hurling his Sorrels and designer Italian sunglasses into the hallway for dramatic affect.
In other developments the remaining council members voted to deny further liquor licenses to canine groups (the first such action taken toward any applicant in over 30 years) and to ban heated dog houses due to cited high energy use in the often inefficient dwellings. Critics of the action say the council is merely punishing outside dogs for any part they might have in the above-mentioned crisis.
– Fred Zeppelin
Concern over missile tests “unfounded” say Chinese
(Shanghai) Chinese officials are downplaying recent missile tests, saying they were aimed only at old weather satellites and did not threaten the spirit of cooperation between their country and the rest of the world. Despite protests from a slew of nations concerns remain as to military modernization and China’s intentions in space.
One top-level government official here told The Horseshoe that the missiles, which look a lot like egg rolls are in fact, only egg rolls.
“They are the same egg rolls that we send to the United States as part of the trade deficit,” said one official. “How we project them is our business.”
A recently snapped infra-red photo may reveal an assortment of North Korean missiles, which the Chinese say are only egg rolls. Above we view a group of men condemned for drawing mustaches on Mao posters and scalping NBA tickets. Normally the men would be deported but there’s no place to send them. (Photo by Thumbellina Etchabarron)
U.S. Intelligence head, John “Half” Pint disagrees.
“We are gravely concerned about ground-based ballistic missiles that could be used against us. This latest episode is vital to our interests not to mention the debris fields it creates in space,” he warned. “however we will most likely do nothing about it since we are busy with Iran, Iraq, Somalia, North Korea and the Mexican border.”
Pint did not allude to China’s current coziness with the Philippines or the Coronavirus chaos.
In another developing story, Iran has announced that it will pursue its solar energy program despite weak-kneed United Nations’ opposition. The Trump Administration, a strong opponent of solar energy since it can not as yet be sold for profit, has demanded that Iran cease all experiments.
“You have solar…why can’t we? say Iranian officials.
More moderate voices in the U.S. suggest that we stay out of Persian affairs and let the coming rejection of the Mullahs take its normal course.
“We cannot afford to give the current leaders a common enemy and ally political factions against us,” said a newly elected Democrat, who preferred anonymity until tomorrow’s opinion polls come out.
Economics 101
- “We should teach the poor to breed flowers Everything grows in Uruguay. They can sell them to the rich. There will always be rich. They will do well. …The rich buy flowers. The poor buy food.” – Jose “Pepe” Mjica- President of Uruguay until 2015. from the film “El Pepe – A Supreme Life”
Faithful Traumatized by Damage Deposit Forfeiture
(Limbo) A majority of occupants, calling themselves “religious, but not particularly spiritual”, expressed shock and disbelief at the notion that the Creator would not be returning a damage deposit on the planet earth after humans vacate the premises. Emerging indications verified the fears, confirming the status of humans as “painfully purgatorial at best” by heavenly sources.
The deposit, paid in gold by the now disgraced Adam and Eve, has been held in trust by unnamed archangels since cave drawings depicted visits from outer space and sheep were nervous.
“We need that money to put down as a deposit on a new planet,” cried one of the eternally disappointed. “Coming up with first and last is hellish enough. With our poor credit we’ll never get a loan”
“According to one angel (I’m not just an angel I’m a bloody archangel”) the human experiment has failed.
“They (the renters) seemed peaceful and respectful at first but after that Cain and Abel business things went downhill fast. Their house is a mess and we’re not seeing much interest in cleaning up the yard either. We don’t know how many centuries that might take or what we will do with all of their orbiting possessions.”
For a related story please turn to:
Redneck Apostles Adopted Open Carry Partisanship after Lion’s Den Incident.
“The quiet realization that one has reached Nirvana arrives unannounced when he realizes he does not know which day it is today…only that it is an invention of evil timekeepers.”
– Small Mouth Bess
RANCHERS PRESERVED FOR PERPETUITY
Ridgway) In an attempt to sustain the cowboy culture, seven local ranchers have been preserved thanks to donations from an assortment of conservation entities.
Although details are sketchy at press time (and the cows are in the corn) it appears that the lucky seven have been soaked in a formula of turpentine, ditch water and honey.
“In just a few hours these guys will not only be protected from the elements and aging,” said an open space advocate, “but never again will we see subdivisions built right on top of their heads.”
Local residents, shocked at first by such new age planning, say rampant development threatens to destroy their lifestyle and that 35-acre rancheros and golf courses often crush their cowboy hats.
More on this as we make it up.
“An agnostic is just an atheist without balls.” – Stephen Colbert
